The ability to resist pressure and say “no.” “Harvard School of Negotiation. How to Say NO and Achieve Results "William Urey The ability to say no read online

© Irina Lad, 2017

ISBN 978-5-4483-7803-4

Created in the intellectual publishing system Ridero

What are we missing in life?

A sage once said: “The best medicine for a person is love and care.”

They asked him again: “What if it doesn’t help? What to do then?"

The sage replied: “Increase the dose!”

In the soul of each of us, regardless of passport age, lives Small child who we once were. If in childhood this child was loved by his parents, grandparents, and all the world rejoiced at his very existence, then in adulthood such a person trusts the world and feels protected.

Imagine that little man who came into this world and expects warmth and love from it, receives indifference in his family and a whole list of requirements, only by fulfilling which he will receive a measured piece of attention.

Which of these children do you think will be more self-confident in the future, will not depend on other people’s opinions and will not wait for approval for any reason?

You probably already understood from the parable I gave at the beginning that every person needs love and understanding?

What should we do if we did not receive this love in childhood? What should I do? What do you need to change in yourself so as not to feel like a second-class citizen?

We'll talk about this in the next chapter.

Abilities to “Love” and “Know”

Every person, without exception, has two basic abilities - the ability to know and the ability to love. Both of these abilities belong to the essence of every person. Depending on his physical characteristics, his environment and the time in which he lives, these two abilities are differentiated in a person, and this leads to unique combinations of basic personality traits.

The ability to cognition determines the rational, intellectual part of a person. It is coordinated by the left hemisphere of the brain and determines a person’s ability to engage scientific methods knowledge of the world: mathematics, medicine, chemistry, physics, electronics and other areas.

Dedicated to Eckhart Tolle for inspiring us with the first twelve letters of his bestseller,

to the reader for not saying NO to reading this book

From the publication: THE POWER OF NO (Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance and Happiness) by James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher, 2014.

© 2014 by James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher

© Translation. Edition in Russian. Decor. Potpourri LLC, 2015

Your NO. Bill of rights

“No” is an incredibly painful and difficult word. It takes a lot of courage to say it.

How many times have you had to say “no” and it only brought pain, despair, tears or an outburst of anger?

Even the hours, days and months before you have to say “no” are filled with excitement and worries: “Should I?”, “Will I be able to?”, “What will happen?”

But you have the right to say no. In fact, you have an entire Bill of Rights. And all these rights are already yours. This book will help you understand them fully.

1. You have the right to defend your life.

You have the right to say NO to everything that can harm you: fire, jumping from a tall building, poison, drugs.

People categorically say “no” to dangers like fire. In other cases, their NO does not sound so confident. Apparently, it is more difficult to say “no” to cigarettes, alcohol or drugs. But you decide what to say no to. You and no one else.

2. You have the right to healthy relationships and true love.

Decide on your own, to whom say NO. You have the right to choose your environment regardless of public opinion. You decide for yourself who takes away your life energy, and then cross these people out of your life. This doesn't mean you become a hermit; this means that you choose your family, your friends, your colleagues, your environment, own life.

3. You have the right to use your abilities and talents to let in own life material well-being

You have the right to say NO to everything that interferes with the development of your creative potential and the acquisition of material well-being. This world needs you, but only if you say no to obstacles and obstacles.

U you there is a mission. Only you can give away the priceless gift that you have. You deserve prosperity, success and recognition for your work.

4. You have the right to have everything you want.

Every day, colleagues, bosses, friends and loved ones want you to meet their interests and needs. They do this not out of selfishness or evil motives. They act this way because that’s how people are: for them, their own interests are above all.

And you have the right to protect your interests. You don't have to do what "everyone else" does. You are a unique combination of DNA, environment, culture and personal experience. You say yes to what matters. for you.

As for everything else, regardless of the consequences, you have the right to say NO to it.

When you say yes to something you don't want to do, what happens is that you hate what you're doing, you get angry at the person who asked you to do it, and you hurt yourself.

5. You have the right to choose what to believe.

Why did humans end up at the top of the food chain 70,000 years ago? Because we have learned to speak and tell stories. Stories, myths, religions and institutions allow us to interact with millions of other people.

People are great storytellers. This is what distinguishes us from the rest of the animal world. In social mythology, there are thousands of different myths that are firmly rooted in the mass consciousness and which we take for granted. Here are just a few of them. College. Own house. Family. Children. Good job. Postponing dreams until better times, until money appears. “Work like an ox and you will succeed!” Ten thousand hours of practice to become a pro. Etc.

You have the right to say NO to myths and attitudes that interfere with your personal growth, and “yes” only to those that contribute to your spiritual development, happiness and opportunity to live full life.

The ability to draw a clear line between true and false beliefs protects you from the seven billion people who want to keep you in line.

6. You have the right to manage your time.

People often want answers right now! When they tell you to jump, they want you to ask, “How high?”

But you have the right to think things through and weigh them before making a decision. The right to say, “Okay, give me some time to think about this.” The right to get to know better the people who come into your life - both personal and business - and see how well they fit in there.

We spend most of the day communicating with people. Often The best way negotiations - take a time out. Say “yes” only when you are one hundred percent sure of it.

By temporarily removing yourself from the situation, you reduce"offering" yourself. In economics, price is subject to the law of supply and demand. When demand exceeds supply, the price rises.

Slight delay in time to accept correct solution, increases your value in any situation or relationship. But this is not about taking advantage of the situation, although such an effect can also occur. It's about taking the necessary pause, calmly assessing the situation and making an informed decision, instead of getting carried away and acting at random.

7. You have the right to be honest with yourself first and foremost.

You have the right to say NO to wearing a mask to please others. You can be confident that there is nothing wrong with you, that your sincerity and honesty are the qualities that attract people to you, and that your truth is what lights your inner fire.

The modern world is shrouded in fog. Honesty is a beacon. Your honesty—the ability to say no to lies—is the guiding star that shows the ships the way home. This is what will bring you health, love and prosperity.

8. You have the right to a happy and fulfilling life.

You have the right to say NO to an inferiority complex and any other complexes that prevent you from living a happy, fulfilling life. You have the right to notice any negative, self-destructive thoughts - both your own and those that others plant in you - and get rid of them once and for all.

9. You have the right to be “here and now”

You have the right to say NO to time travel. Regrets about the past. Worries about the future. Traveling to the past or the future will not help you live a fulfilling life in the present. It will not solve your future problems, but will only worsen your present ones. You have the right to say “no” to everything that is not happening “here and now.”

10. You have the right to silence

You have the right to say NO to environmental noise, news, responsibilities and overload. You can sit for a while every day in silence, alone with yourself - with the best part of yourself that wants to help you - and allow she should do it. You can listen to silence every day and know that it is enough for you.

Silence is the key to eternity and infinity.

11. You have the right to submit.

You have the right to abandon even your own beliefs about yourself. This is the most powerful NO: saying NO to what you think about yourself. think.

It means you submit higher power. Do you believe that loving hand will guide you on the right path and help you take the first step.

You don't need to impress anyone. Nobody is judging you. And no one can stop you.

Step by step - and the road itself will lead you to the right place.

Why this book is for you

If only because you chose this book and are reading this page, we already know something about you.

You want to improve your life. You want to become happier. You want to add and remove some borders.

These may be physical, mental, emotional or even spiritual boundaries. You want to get rid of the blocks that prevent you from living a full life.

And you, of course, are a generous, magnanimous person. Perhaps one of those people who would rather say “yes” to those who need help than “no” to those who ask for too much.

We want to convey to the reader that NO comes from the very depths of our inner essence. Spiritual essence. The one that allows you to discover a power within yourself that you may not have even guessed about until now.

The power that will bring prosperity into your life—incredible prosperity. The power to bring love into your life - the love you deserve. The power that will bring peace and tranquility into your life when you say no to the noise and turmoil around you.

The power of NO helps us writers survive in the literal sense of the word. With it, we become free from society, institutions, friends, loved ones, colleagues, bosses and social myths that try to force us into a certain framework. From all those who tried and are still trying to control us.

Every NO destroys these frames. Each level of NO that we describe in this book makes us free. We have a right to this freedom, whatever form it takes. In whatever form we want to see it.

Why not? Eternity existed even before our birth. And it will exist after we leave this world. Why not use our full potential and discover our own limitless possibilities while we are still here?

Since you are reading this book, it means that you are a very brave person. And they are ready to take the final leap to find their inner strength.

This power helps us remove negativity from our lives and fill it with positivity. Attract money, love, health and new opportunities into it. When you take risks, you become unique; you break away from the crowd and can reach for the stars. NO is a risk, but you already have enough courage to find the Power of NO.

In different life circumstances, it is important to ask yourself the question: “Should I say no?” By thinking about it, racking your brains over it, weighing all the pros and cons, you better understand yourself and what is preferable for you and the people around you. This will ultimately lead you to situations where you can say yes to the well-being you've always wanted.

Ultimately, despite the title of this book, its main purpose is to say yes to happiness, well-being and love.

How to read this book

We want you to have only positive emotions when reading our book. So right now we'll give you some practical recommendations about how it works.

"Hello!" (from Claudia)

"Hello!" (from James)

"Hello!" (from both of us)

All chapters are built on the principle of logical madness.

There are seven levels of NO.

They match different levels energies - from more powerful ones that protect our body, life and basic boundaries, to more subtle ones, which, thanks to the Power of NO, bring true love, compassion and wisdom into our lives.

First we explore everyday NO's - those that might occur in relationships, at work, in dealing with health problems, or in a chance encounter with space aliens (tell them no, and then run!).

Then we'll start digging deeper. Society uses our formative years to teach us to say yes to everything we are “supposed” to say yes to. Now we have to figure out which things are better to say no to. Society may wish us well, but ultimately we decide how we want to live.

It's not our parents' fault. And it's not the school's fault. And it's not the government's fault. And it's not the friends' fault. They have enough worries and problems of their own - so there is nothing to blame them for. But saying “yes” to their attitudes is also not necessary. It's time to create your own settings.

The final level of NO is deep within us. Silence. Source of eternal wisdom. Once we reach this Well of Wisdom, we will be able to drink from it forever.

This is the NO that brings real strength.

When you gain this power, you will be able to say “Yes!” consciously and from the heart. Because you will know that it is “Yes!” comes from the source of one's own wisdom.

Basic thoughts for reading this book:

a) Reading this book is good.

b) Understanding it after reading it is 100 times better.

c) Putting what you read into practice is 100,000 times better.

Learning to say “no” is very difficult - it takes practice. That's why many chapters contain exercises. It is daily and conscious practice that will help you unlock your inner strength.

You won't find exercises in every chapter. After all, the main idea of ​​the book is to get rid of the noise and chaos in your life and make room for silence and inner strength. Therefore, we do not want to overload you with work. We added only those exercises that we found most useful.

It's good to have exercises on hand that you can practice if necessary. We know this because every time we forget to say no, it leads to sad consequences. It is much better to practice, acknowledge your feelings, be aware of what is happening and have the Power of NO, than to experience these consequences yourself.

Always remember: saying no is one thing. Having the Power of NO is something else entirely.

To begin with, let us give as an example a metaphorical story about “Little and Big NO,” heard by one of the authors in Germany. Here's a modern parable:

Little NO sits in the park and eats chocolate. She is really very small and very quiet. A big fat woman comes up and asks, “Can I sit with you?”

Little NO whispers quietly: “No, I want to sit alone.” The big, fat woman doesn’t hear and sits down on the bench. A young man runs up and asks: “Can I have your chocolate?” Little NO whispers again: “No, I want to eat it myself.” But the young man doesn’t hear, takes chocolate from little NO and starts eating. An older man, who had often seen little NO in the park, walks by and says: “Hello little girl. How cute you are! Can I kiss you?" Little NO whispers for the third time: “No, I don’t need any kiss.” But the man doesn’t understand NO and goes to kiss her right on the lips.

At this point, little NO finally loses her patience. She stands up, stretches herself tall and screams at the top of her lungs, “Nooooo!”

And again: “No, no, no!!! I want to sit alone on my bench, I want to eat my chocolate by myself and I don’t want to be touched, much less kissed. Leave me alone now!”

The big fat woman, the young man and the man make wide eyes: “Why didn’t you say so right away?” and go home.

And who is sitting on the bench now? No, not a little NO. She became big, strong and loud. And she thinks: “This is how it always happens, when you say “no” quietly and shyly, people don’t hear you. We must say loudly and clearly, clearly and clearly - NO.”

So from a small “no” a big “NO” turned out.

Many people feel very uneasy at the mere thought of having to refuse someone. Sometimes such a reaction is quite understandable and even adequate. But although the desire to protect others from negative emotions and deserves respect, it is technically impossible. You can’t answer yes to every request your entire life. If you try to satisfy everyone's wishes, you will inevitably end up with not a single person satisfied with your actions. In addition, you will lose control over your time and personal space. When we are asked for something, in many cases we secretly begin to experience doubts at the same moment: should we agree or not? And if we feel that for some reason we need to refuse, then we begin to experience remorse, dissatisfaction with ourselves, and most importantly, we don’t know how to say that most decisive “no.” However, refusal is a necessary part of our life experience. The technology of competent refusal is worth learning, developing and consolidating this useful skill in yourself.

We can increase our level of self-confidence by learning to:

Talk openly and sincerely to your partner about your feelings and desires;

Constructively overcome conflicts in interpersonal relationships;

Answer “no” to proposals and demands from others that do not suit us;

Determine the circle of people close to us and our behavior with them;

Constructively express criticism towards loved ones.

Behind the reluctance to say “no” are social fears, such as fear of rejection, ridicule, or loss of face. Low self-esteem and irrational beliefs go hand in hand with this and fears.

Saying “no” becomes more difficult the more irrational principles we have accumulated and consolidated in our behavior. We avoid refusals, wanting to always be “good”, because we are allegedly unable to withstand pressure, we don’t want to offend a person, we are afraid of losing a friend, or darkening our relationships with business partners. Saying “no” is for many the same as admitting “I am a bad, evil, greedy person.” We are afraid to refuse because we are afraid of not being liked. But be honest with yourself, because you are not a five hundred euro bill to please different people equally.

At the same time, the short “no” is one of the easiest words in the language and one of the first that we learn in childhood. Only as we grow older do we begin to experience fear of it. If you want to become more organized and achieve results in business and personal life, you must overcome fear and reacquaint yourself with the word “no”, rehabilitating its rights.

Indicate to yourself that your habit of agreeing with everyone is exactly yours. bad habit. You've just been doing this for a long time and are used to ignoring it. And it doesn’t matter where you once started doing this: the important thing is that you now do it regularly and are simply accustomed to it. What to do? Get out of the habit. Relearn. Teach yourself to say “no” skillfully. How is it? The ability to say “no” is the ability to say this word thoughtfully, without offending the interlocutor and without stressing yourself.

Ability to say NO

OPINIONS:

- Successful people use the word “no” more than “yes.”

- There are two most important words which it is vital for every person to learn to say. These words are “no” and “thank you.”

- In many cases, the ability to say “no” is not a manifestation of weakness, but of one’s own strength, will and dignity.

Please also remember that you have the absolute right to refuse. Just like you can’t stop another person from asking for a favor or help. But only you can decide what to answer: “yes” or “no”. And remember, the closer and dearer the person is, the softer the refusal will be. So, you need to be able to refuse.

Learning to say no to people is very important. This way you will gain time and energy that you can spend on yourself, and you will be able to save a good relationship with the people around you, get the respect you deserve.

Why is it difficult to refuse

Fear of failure leads to failure-free behavior. Unfortunately, refusal is an initially uncomfortable situation for both parties. Therefore, some people prefer not to refuse at all, so as not to bring all these troubles into their lives. They become practically fail-safe because they cannot hurt another person. Such people would rather sacrifice their interests, but will not say the cherished “no”.

- Fear that a person will be offended or angry

- Fear that you will no longer be loved, respected, or simply treated well

An axiom learned in childhood: refusing help is rude and impolite.

It’s one thing when an old neighbor asks you to run to the store for groceries because it’s hard for her to walk, and it’s quite another thing when a work colleague tries to shift his part of the work onto you. It is clear that in the first case it is a matter of conscience, and in the second it is a clear example of manipulation. In a word, you need to understand well in which cases your help is really needed.

The fear of saying “no” is sometimes imposed by society itself

Ask yourself two very simple questions: how often do you ask for favors from others, if at all? Are there people around you who do things only as a quid pro quo? After answering them, think about whether you should be so afraid of refusing. Maybe you rely only on yourself in all matters, and people who help only in exchange for something, why are they needed at all? Don’t give in to society’s manipulations, don’t be afraid: there will always be people ready to help just like that.

Lack of contact with YOUR desires.

Attitude: Other people's needs and desires are more important than mine. In this case, ask yourself: “Why can’t I refuse people? Are my affairs really so petty and insignificant?” Most likely, you just need to accept yourself for who you are and understand your own importance to the people around you.

Consequences of failure to refuse

Firstly, you are forcing yourself to do something that you absolutely don’t want to do. And, as you know, if you do any work under duress , no positive charge energy and useful skills you won't get it. After its completion, a strong fatigue and feeling completely empty.

Secondly By constantly indulging the desires of other people, you risk becoming a victim. This means that soon those around you will get used to imposing their work, interests, point of view, and will overwhelm you with requests and favors. In a word, he will try manipulate. And the result will be take for granted. But this is only half the story; it’s worse if a person deliberately becomes a victim. Its logic usually comes down to a simple thought, contained in one phrase: let everyone be happy, let them not value me now, let them understand when they lose me. Like this pride, elevating a person above all others.

Third, permanent guilt. As often happens, you make a promise that, due to some circumstances, you cannot fulfill. As a result, you have to lie, dodge, and hide. All this leads to one thing - a feeling of guilt towards oneself and others, not to mention a damaged relationship with a person. Quick "YES". Sometimes we answer “yes” without thinking. We assure the person that we are able to fulfill his request. Some time passes, we “cool down” and begin to look at things rationally. And suddenly we realize that we are not able to fulfill our promise.

Fourthly, Unfortunately, most often a reliable person acquires a reputation as unreliable and loses confidence those around you. And all because he cannot and does not know how to refuse directly and clearly. Instead, he promises to fulfill the request, and then hides, letting the person down with such behavior.

When to Say NO

Let's start off with, why do this? First of all, you will have more time to do what really matters.

The best answer to this question is “often.” Although, of course, you cannot and should not refuse any request. If you feel uncomfortable saying no, ask yourself:

Do I have enough strength and ability to complete this assignment? ? If you are not confident that you will succeed, the answer should be one - “no”.

And I have time for this ? No matter how attractive the offer sounds, in most cases it takes time. Your time.

Do you want to do this ? Healthy egoism in in this case is not a hindrance, especially if it involves your effort and time.

What could be the consequences? ? If you refuse to go to a match with a friend, will that stop him from being your friend? Of course not. Remember that refusing a request does not mean that you are offending someone. After answering all the questions above, saying “no” will become much easier for you.

Good to remember:

Rule #1: Saying “no” is not selfish

Every time you say “yes” to something, you make a commitment. Can you really give them the effort and attention they deserve?

When you say no, you are honestly communicating that you can't do what you're asked to do as well as it deserves.

When you say no, you are showing respect for your existing commitments.

How will this affect the person asking? He may be hurt that you said no, but he will see that you are an honest person.

How will this affect you? Raises your self-esteem and strengthens your commitment to important goals.

Rule #2: Saying yes doesn't mean you're making friends.

Many of us say “yes” to things we don’t want because we want to feel accepted, wanted, and important. But if the commitment you made upsets you and you fulfill it carelessly, people will notice and wonder why you agreed to help in the first place.

Rule #3: Taking on too many responsibilities can be detrimental to your health!

When the number of obligations goes through the roof, it leads to constant stress and lack of time for rest. You spin like a squirrel in a wheel, and eventually this leads to overwork or even illness.

Focus your time and energy on what is important to you.

Rule #4: You have the right to focus on what is important to YOU!

You are under no obligation to help make other people's dreams come true to your own detriment. Their dreams are their path, not yours. And they will meet the right people along the way.

Rule #5: When you say no, you create an opportunity to help other people.

The person who contacted you will have to look for someone else, but that's normal. If you're not the right person for the job, that's for the best anyway, and if you are, you're not the only one who can do it.

How to learn to refuse and how to do it correctly

Take a PAUSE.

The best solution, in any case and when contacting you, is to pause before giving your answer. And if the proposal is serious, explain to your interlocutor that you are not ready to agree right now. Think and schedule a time for a specific response. Ask questions

to make sure you understand what is being asked of you. Asking questions is one of the ways to answer: HOW, WHAT, WHERE, WHY, WHEN, HOW MUCH.

Ask yourself: what do I really want? What I feel? What is MY goal?... Show your interlocutor your attitude to the request . These may be the most

different emotions This means that refusal should be understood precisely as refusal, and not as feminine coquetry or an attempt to hide in the bushes.

The other person should not see your embarrassment, so your words should be accompanied by a direct look, a fairly firm voice, and no fuss. There is no need to be afraid of pauses and there is no need to give up hope or give the person the opportunity to latch on to further dialogue. A person must understand that a decision has been made, which means it is accepted. And there is no point in talking about this topic anymore.

Let us recall the classic dialogue between Shvonder and Professor Preobrazhensky from Heart of a Dog:- Buy magazines to support children in Germany. - Don't want. - Don’t you sympathize with the children of Germany? - I sympathize with the children, but I don’t want to buy magazines. - Professor, don’t you like the proletariat? - Yes, I don’t like the proletariat...

Clearly explain the reason for refusal . The reason should not be directly related to the person. And it cannot be easily refuted.

Think and suggest alternative solution to the problem.

This will help you avoid unnecessary hassle, and the person will see that you care about his problems. The main purpose of refusal is to allow you to do what you need to do at this time.

Necessarily

listen to your partner, don't interrupt him.

Find a form of refusal that does not hurt the other person’s pride and self-esteem.

- We need a specialist who knows the language perfectly. - This position should be filled by a person with ten years or more experience. - This position is only suitable for very mature people. Refusal through a compliment. Note the strong features of the person, his positive qualities, your positive feelings towards him, and again put forward an insoluble reason.

- You are a creative person, and we need simple, routine administrators... - You are a really good professional, but we cannot accept you. - Thank you for the interesting conversation, we can’t take you.

If, after the above arguments, you still have not changed your decision to refuse correctly, repeat your thought again, only taking into account the words of your interlocutor . and conscious use of the vulnerable strings of the human soul. This is already disrespect for your free choice, a conscious attempt to use it for personal gain, and all this should be punished under the harsh laws of war. Namely, you stop this very feeling of pity and discomfort by willpower and internal self-command and, in a firmer voice, give out clearly understood refusal.

Here's how to say no and feel great about it:

Be brief

You don't need to tell your life story. The more you explain why you can't agree, the more it sounds like excuses. “No, I can’t” is all you need to say.

Show respect

Someone believes in what they are doing and needs help. You can help with praise, encouraging and inspiring words without making any additional commitments.

Just say no

Don't be afraid to say the word “no”! A firm “no” is better than a sluggish “well, I don’t know,” with which you assume that they may contact you again (perhaps next time you will say “yes”!).

Be honest

Don't invent reasons that don't exist. You have every right to spend your time and energy on what is important to you. Including on vacation, when you have no obligations at all!

Be firm

They may ask you very persistently. Stay calm and repeat your “no.”

Do not apologize!

You don't have to say you're sorry. You should not apologize for not taking on a load that you are unable to lift!

You are important. Your goals and values ​​are important. Show respect for them - say “no” to everything that contradicts them. Feel joyful about the good you are doing by contributing achieving your goals!

Give up feelings of guilt. Let go of the situation. You are not responsible for another person's feelings. His reaction to rejection is his choice.

So where to start?

1. Out loud, loudly and clearly, say the word “no” several times. Do this until it becomes familiar to you.

2. Model and scroll through in your imagination situations in which it is difficult for you to answer “no.” But the only difference is that you are not afraid to refuse the applicant and do not make excuses. You simply inform your interlocutor that you cannot help him.

H. For training purposes, start with small things. Look for simple and small situations in which you can say “no” gently but confidently. In the future, this will help you make the right decision in more complex situations.

THREE-STEP FAILURE MODEL

Confirm that you understand the other person's request and point of view, for example: "Yes, you really need..., I can understand your difficulties."

Refuse, giving reasons. They should be short and to the point, for example: “I can't lend you my.... Because…".

Let the other person know that the conversation is over by directly saying “no.” For example: “...therefore no...”

Three rights for everyone:

the right to do what is best for you.

the right to choose for yourself.

the right to change the decision.

In order to learn it's right to say "no"“, you need to explore several refusal options and use them depending on the specifics of the situation. 1 . A straight no. If a stranger approaches you with a request that you know is unpleasant, it is better to refuse immediately. Just tell him "no, I can't" - without explaining why you can't or apologizing. 2. Detailed "no". If the feelings of the person who is asking you are important to you, or you are afraid of ruining your relationship with him, use this option. Say, for example: “I understand how important it is for you to submit your report on time, but, unfortunately, I cannot help you.” Of course, this must be said in a very polite tone. 3. “No” with an explanation. If you know that your interlocutor only accepts reasoned refusals, say “no” and explain, why can't you help him. Just don’t go into lengthy discussions and speak frankly - otherwise your colleague will think that you are trying to come up with an “excuse”. For example, say something like, “I can’t help you write your report because I’m going to a parent-teacher conference this evening.” 4. "No" with delay. If you know that in this moment If you can’t help your colleague, but you don’t want to give him a definitive “no,” say this: “I won’t be able to help you today, but maybe I can do it next week.” Be careful not to make specific promises. You are just giving your colleague the opportunity to ask you for help again, rather than promising to help him. 5. "No" with an alternative. If you strive at all costs to maintain a good relationship with a colleague and be at least useful to him in some way, tell him this: “I won’t be able to help you with the report, but if I can help you with anything else, please contact me.” 6. A persistent “no.” This option should be used if your interlocutor insists on his request and persuades you to help him, ignoring your refusal. Just repeat “no” as many times as necessary. For example: your dialogue might look like this:

-Could you help me with the report?

-No, sorry.

-Well, please, I really need your help.

-No, sorry, I can't.

-Please, I won’t be in debt!

-No, I'm sorry, I really can't help you.

Your personal workbook to increase awareness, self-confidence and freedom.

Many people find it difficult to answer “no” to a question, request, or assignment. The reasons are different - from the reluctance to feel discomfort and guilt to the fear of becoming unnecessary. Think about it: someone who constantly says “yes” makes life much easier for those around them, but pushes their own interests into the background. It’s so good that everyone can learn to listen sensitively to themselves and their needs, defend their position and no longer say “yes”, meaning “no”.

This workbook will help you understand the reasons that prevent you from saying “no”, and will suggest strategies and simple tools with which you can set the boundaries of your own freedom, forcing you to respect your friendly but firm refusal.

Some exercises will be easy to complete, while others will take time. It is not necessary to do the exercises in order; you can always choose what seems most suitable at the moment. And if you want to sum up the interim results, flip through the notebook a few pages back.

Grab a pencil quickly and go! You will see how easy it is to say no.

Who is this book for?

For those who want to learn how to firmly, politely and confidently refuse others.