And adequate behavior of low ratings. Inadequate self-esteem of a junior schoolchild. What to do? Types and levels

A person is part of society, and the attitude of others, the assessment of his qualities and attractiveness are important to him. But no less important for us is self-esteem, the attitude towards oneself that is formed in a person throughout his life. The place we occupy in society and the degree of social activity largely depend on the level of our own assessment of our strengths and weaknesses.

In psychology, self-esteem is considered as a complex of a person’s ideas about himself, which were formed on the basis of comparing himself with others. These ideas play an important role in the formation of the image of one’s own “I” or.

Consciously or unconsciously, we always compare ourselves with others and evaluate ourselves from the position of “better”, “worse” or “the same as everyone else”. Important qualities that are significant for society are assessed first. For example, for young man It was normal for the noble class of the first quarter of the 19th century to talk about whether he danced the mazurka better or worse than Lieutenant Rzhevsky. And for modern man this quality does not matter, and therefore is not assessed.

Thus, self-esteem is based on socially significant values, without which it is impossible to recognize oneself as worthy of respect in a given society and at a given time.

It is clear that we can evaluate ourselves in different ways, especially since there are situations when we are satisfied with ourselves and like ourselves, but at other times some action makes us experience acute dissatisfaction, and we engage in self-flagellation. But self-esteem as a part of the personality is a stable formation; although it can change, it does not depend on the situational attitude towards oneself. On the contrary, self-esteem corrects this relationship:

• A person with a high opinion of himself will say: “How could I do this, it’s completely out of character for me,” and will try to forget about the mistake.
• And the one who has low self-esteem, on the contrary, focuses on his mistakes, will reproach himself for them for a long time, and will think that “in life he is a crooked loser who really doesn’t know how to do anything.”

Types and levels of self-esteem

In psychology, there are two types of self-esteem: adequate and inadequate. Sometimes they also talk about optimal and suboptimal self-esteem, thereby emphasizing that many people tend to evaluate themselves slightly above average, and this is more the norm than a deviation. Another thing is how highly we value ourselves.

Adequate self-esteem

Adequate self-esteem, to one degree or another, correctly reflects the abilities and qualities of an individual, that is, it is a person’s idea of ​​himself, which corresponds to the real state of affairs. Such ideas can be either with a + or a − sign, because people are not ideal. For example, when a person says that a bear stepped on his ear, this may not be a belittlement of his own abilities in music, but an adequate assessment of them.

Self-esteem influences all human behavior and his attitude towards himself and towards other people. Thus, with adequate self-esteem an individual:

• correctly assesses the relationship between his desires and abilities;
• sets realistic goals that he can achieve;
• able to look at oneself critically from the outside;
• tries to foresee the results of his actions.

In general, for a person with adequate self-esteem, the people around him are important. But he also evaluates their opinion adequately, focusing more on his own ideas about the benefits or harm of his actions.

Inadequate self-esteem

Not adequate self-esteem There are two types: underestimated and overestimated. There is a degree of inadequacy different levels. Self-esteem at a level slightly above or slightly below average is a fairly common phenomenon, and they almost do not manifest themselves in an individual’s behavior and do not interfere with his life and interaction with others. The deviation in this case can only be determined using special psychological tests. And self-esteem that is slightly above average does not even need correction, since a person can quite deservedly respect and value himself, and self-esteem has never bothered anyone.

But it happens (and often) that self-esteem is far from optimal and significantly above or below the average level. In this case, it has a serious impact on a person’s actions and can lead to inappropriate behavior with others.

Individual characteristics of people with high self-esteem

People with excessively high self-esteem can be quickly noticed in any team - they strive to be visible, advise everyone, lead everyone and dominate everywhere. Such people are characterized by the following characteristics:

• they estimate their capabilities and their importance too highly;
• they do not accept criticism, and they are irritated by other people’s opinions that do not coincide with their own;
• often have a superiority complex, considering themselves to be right in everything;
• emphatically independent and even arrogant;
• reject the help and support of others;
• blame other people or circumstances for their failures and problems;
• don't notice theirs weak sides or pass them off as strong, for example, stubbornness as perseverance, and arrogance as determination;
• are often distinguished by a demonstrative type of behavior, they like to perform actions for show;
• have a tendency to treat others with disdain.

There is an opinion that it is better to have high self-esteem than low self-esteem. But here it all depends on the level - people who value themselves too highly can be very unpleasant.

Low self-esteem

People with a level of self-esteem significantly below average cannot always be immediately noticed, especially in a team. They do not strive to be visible and seem simply modest. But in the process of communicating with them, their far from pleasant qualities are revealed:

• indecisiveness and excessive caution;
• dependence on the opinions of other people and the constant need for their support;
• the desire to shift responsibility, including for one’s actions, onto the shoulders of others;
• inferiority complex and, as a consequence of it, excessive vulnerability, quarrelsomeness;
• excessive demands on oneself and others, perfectionism;
• pettiness, vindictiveness and envy;
• Suffering from low self-esteem, they nevertheless try to prove to everyone that they are “cool” and commit inappropriate actions.

Low self-esteem also makes people selfish, only this is a different kind of selfishness. They are so immersed in their failures and obsessed with self-pity that they do not notice the problems of their loved ones. Very often those who have too much low level self-esteem, they cannot respect or love.

Self-esteem structure

In the structure of self-esteem, psychologists distinguish two components: cognitive and emotional:

• The cognitive component (from the Latin cognition - knowledge) includes a person’s knowledge about himself, his abilities, skills, capabilities, weaknesses and strengths Oh. This component is formed in the process of self-knowledge and largely affects the level of self-esteem. Inadequate self-esteem, as a rule, is associated either with ideas about one’s own “I” that do not correspond to reality, or with their unformedness.
• The emotional component is the individual’s attitude towards himself and various manifestations of his own personality. The feelings we feel for ourselves are very contradictory: approval and disapproval, self-respect or lack thereof, .

The differences between these two components are purely theoretical, in real life they coexist in inextricable unity - our knowledge about our qualities is always emotionally charged.

Factors influencing the formation of self-esteem

Inadequate self-esteem is always bad; it creates discomfort and problems for both the person himself and his environment. But can an individual be blamed for having a wrong self-image? Under the influence of what is self-esteem formed?

Social factors

The foundations of self-esteem are laid in childhood, from the moment when the baby becomes aware of his “I” and begins to compare himself with other children and adults. But in preschool, and even in junior school age Children cannot yet adequately analyze their qualities and their behavior, so the evaluative sphere is formed entirely under the influence of adults. Remember how V. Mayakovsky wrote: “The little son came to his father, and the little one asked: - What is good? And what is bad?

People with a sensitive psyche worry more about their failures and about the assessments of others than those who are less emotional.

• A person whose melancholic traits predominate tends to get upset even over a minor random remark and remember it for a long time.
• A phlegmatic person may not even pay attention to the remark.
• Closed and unsociable people worry less about the assessments of others than sociable extroverts. On the other hand, due to their tendency to demonstrate behavior, they often suffer from inflated self-esteem. But people who avoid people and prefer solitude often consider themselves superior to others and despise those around them who are unworthy of communicating with them.

That is individual characteristics Personalities certainly influence the formation of self-esteem, but the vector sets it primarily social environment. There is another important factor related to a person’s assessment of his own “I”.

Level of aspiration

We all strive for something in life, we set goals for ourselves. And these goals are different: some want to earn money for a new apartment, some want to create their own thriving company, and for others, a trip to the sea is the ultimate dream. The degree of complexity, difficulty of a goal or task that a person defines for himself is the level of his aspirations.

Just like self-esteem, the level of aspirations can be adequate or inadequate. Adequate is one where goals correspond to human capabilities. If a school graduate with poor knowledge and low Unified State Exam grades decides to apply to a prestigious metropolitan university, then he clearly has an inadequate, inflated level of aspirations. And when a good student refuses to enter higher education? educational institution, because he is afraid of failure, then his level of aspirations is too low. Both are bad.

The level of aspirations is formed under the influence of successes and failures that accompany a person throughout his life. life path, and, in turn, influences the formation of self-esteem. After all, an athlete, constantly setting a bar for himself that he cannot jump over, will very quickly become disappointed in his abilities and in the ability to achieve success. And a low level of aspirations does not contribute to the development of self-esteem and self-confidence.

But psychologists still believe that a low level is worse than a high level and has a bad effect on the formation of personality and its position in society. It makes a person a socially passive loser who does not strive for success.

Self-esteem correction

The possibility of changing one's self-esteem towards a more adequate one worries many people. This is especially typical for mature and seemingly accomplished individuals, when a person realizes that an incorrect assessment of his strengths and capabilities prevents him from achieving success and has a negative impact on relationships with others.

Self-esteem can be corrected even independently, although in particularly advanced cases the help of a psychotherapist or psychological consultant is required. But it is easier to increase self-esteem than to reduce inadequately inflated ones. More precisely, there are conditions under which self-esteem decreases, but most often they are unpleasant and even...

If an individual realized that he had an inadequately inflated self-esteem, it means that he was able to look at himself critically, and therefore, his self-esteem is not so inflated. In any case, he is already on the right track.

There are many tips for increasing self-esteem. But first you should figure out in what area you underestimate yourself. What don't you like most about yourself or what do you need to increase your self-esteem? Write down on a separate sheet in a column the main areas in which a person is realized:

• relationships with people;
• professional activity (or choice of profession);
• appearance;
• knowledge level, ;
• hobbies;
• family.

You can add something important to you yourself. Now rate your success in these areas on a 10-point scale. If the scores are slightly higher than 5 points, then your self-esteem is within the normal range, but you can improve it. And if it is significantly below 5, then special attention should be paid to this area.

Think about why you think you are unsuccessful in this area? What do you need to feel more confident, begin to respect yourself and even admire yourself? Write down on a separate sheet what you are missing. And start working to eliminate these shortcomings.

As you can see, nothing complicated. And if you would like a “magic pill” or a ready-made recipe, there are none. People are all different, our problems are also different. But you can give some general tips to increase self-esteem:

• Stop comparing yourself to others. Remember, every person is unique, not better or worse, just different. And your advantage is that you are different from others.
• Look around and try to see all the good and bright things. Stop, consolidate this feeling in your head and try not to allow negative thoughts anymore - they attract failures.
• When starting any business, focus on success; defeat comes to those who wait for it.
• Smile. A smile is a powerful tool that adjusts our state to positivity. But it is no less important that it incites the people around us to appreciate us more highly.
• Write down all your strengths on a piece of paper and re-read them often, especially when you feel insecure and afraid of failure.
• Be more open. Don't hesitate to ask people for help and support.

To increase self-esteem, the approval and praise of others is very important. Therefore, find yourself a hobby or interests in which you can succeed, and do not be shy to demonstrate these successes. Draw, knit, cross-stitch, assemble pictures from plastic corks or photograph unusual clouds. And share your successes, seek praise. Now with the development of communication in in social networks it's not difficult to do.

Attempts to make sense of the conflicting results regarding the consequences of high self-esteem, to find out whether high self-esteem is really a good thing to strive for, lead to a problem adequacy self-esteem. IN domestic psychology this problem It was established quite a long time ago: they distinguish between adequate and inadequate self-esteem, i.e. correct, accurate, appropriate and incorrect, inaccurate, inappropriate to the real achievements and potential capabilities of the individual (Bozhovich, 1968; Lipkina, 1976; Neimark, 1961; Slavina, 1966, etc.). Moreover, each of them can vary in height, i.e. there is both high adequate self-esteem and high inadequate (inflated) self-esteem; low adequate self-esteem and low inadequate (underestimated).

A review of the literature on the problem of the level of self-esteem carried out by R. Baumeister (Self-esteem.., 1993) shows that high self-esteem in itself is not necessarily “good”. Excessive focus on having high self-esteem can lead to a rapid decline in self-esteem when a person shows failure in areas considered important. Synonyms for high self-esteem include pride, narcissism, arrogance, complacency, narcissism, vanity, and a sense of superiority (Baumeister et al., 2003). M. Rosenberg (1965) introduces two additional meanings for high self-esteem: persons with high self-esteem (“egophiles”) think that they "very good" or " good enough" which corresponds to inadequately inflated and adequately high self-esteem. S. Coopersmith (Coopersmith, 1959) also distinguishes two types of high self-esteem: “ protective" And "true". A person with “defensive” high self-esteem claims to have high self-esteem despite the lack of confirming achievements or corresponding behavior; he reports high self-esteem, but nevertheless feels his own low value, taking the path of denying or avoiding negative information about his personality. A person with "true" high self-esteem actually has a feeling self-esteem, feels valued and exhibits behavior that confirms this level of self-esteem.

It is from this perspective that we can consider the problems of high self-esteem: if it is adequate, then it really ensures a person’s harmony with himself and others. Man with high adequate self-esteem realizes the value of himself, realizes his capabilities and abilities; he respects himself, considers himself a worthy person; but he does not overestimate himself and does not underestimate others; does not treat himself with reverence and does not expect such treatment from others; he is devoid of arrogance and pride, admits that he is imperfect, and agrees with criticism that can help him (Fly, Dobbs, 2008; Rosenberg, 1965). Man with inflated self-esteem is constantly in a “defensive position”, not /[omitting criticism of himself and using any means and strategies to protect his exaggerated opinion of himself and reject doubts about its inadequacy. D. Turkat (1978) calls this self-esteem protective high self-esteem, Unlike true high self-esteem. Individuals with truly high self-esteem base their self-esteem reports on their personal sense of self-worth; their self-worth criteria are more internalized and less influenced by the values ​​of other people. A person with high self-esteem (high defensive self-esteem) is distinguished by the fact that he has a strong need for social approval, depends on the opinions of other people, and has a tendency to present himself in a more favorable light (Turkat, 1978). This defensive position contributes to the development of emotional barriers; leads to distortion and ignoring of experience, increased aggression, alienation, and decreased interest in activities; the emergence of self-justifications; infantile forms of behavior, etc. (Zakharova, 1989; Lipkina, 1976; Safin, 1975), causes low school marks, hooliganism, etc. (Self-esteem.., 1993).

Persons with high self-esteem react especially sharply to failure, negative feedback and other, real or imaginary, threats to their own “I”. These reactions are characterized either by denial of the very fact of failure, or by shifting responsibility for it to others and are manifested in increased sensitivity, distrust, suspicion, aggressiveness and negativism. In Russian psychology, these emotional reactions are called "affect of inadequacy"(Bozhovich, 1968; Neimark, 1961; Slavina, 1966).

The emergence of “affect of inadequacy”, as shown by the research of L.S. Slavina and L.I. Bozhovich, are most characteristic of children who, as a result of past experience, have firmly established inflated self-esteem and a corresponding inflated level of aspirations. The experimental situation in which the manifestation of the “affect of inadequacy” clearly appeared was that students were asked to choose and solve a problem of a certain degree of difficulty themselves (according to their self-esteem). The proposed problems were of increased difficulty, and attempts to solve them, as a rule, ended in failure. It turned out that the reaction to failure was very different among adolescents with different self-esteem. Students with adequate self-esteem, although sometimes annoyed with themselves and upset, behaved calmly, rationally correlated their capabilities with the degree of complexity of the chosen task: if they did not solve the chosen one, they lowered their claims, and if they solved it easily, they took on a more difficult one. A completely different type of behavior occurred in adolescents with high self-esteem: having failed to solve the chosen problem, they took on an even more difficult one, and this could be repeated many times, up to attempts to solve the most difficult problems. In the process of work, these guys became angry, worried, scolded the tasks, objective circumstances, blamed the experimenter, left, demonstratively slamming the door, began to cry, etc. This kind of emotional experience, called the “affect of inadequacy,” is associated with the fact that the student does not want to allow consciousness thinks about its insolvency and therefore rejects its failure, distortingly perceiving and interpreting all the facts indicating its defeat. As researchers have seen, affective breakdowns occur only in cases where children have a mismatch between conscious high self-esteem, high aspirations that go beyond their actual capabilities, and unconscious self-doubt (Bozhovich, 1968).

Of particular interest are data showing that to experience well-being and happiness, self-esteem must be slightly elevated; if it is adequate, i.e. corresponds to the abilities of the individual, then we are talking about the so-called depressive realism, which, by the way, the authors consider characteristic of the Russian mentality (Solovieva, 2009). Overestimation and overestimation of positive properties, skills, and abilities allows a person to take on seemingly insoluble tasks and, most importantly, solve them (Possokhova, 2009).

In contrast to the study of adequate and inadequate high self-esteem, the problem of establishing differences between adequate low and low self-esteem has not received adequate coverage in the literature. Here, perhaps, we can only refer to the study of S. Coopersmith, who found that students with adequate low self-esteem are characterized by a low need for achievement, a low ideal “I” and high anxiety, showing that they are aware of their low position in school, but not strive to improve it, realizing that they can perform at their best if they accept their low status (Coopersmith, 1959). Students with inadequately low self-esteem (underestimated) are also characterized by high anxiety, but they are characterized by a high need for achievement and a high ideal “I.” This to some extent correlates with the data of L.S. Slavina (1966), according to which among affective children there are not only schoolchildren with inadequately high self-esteem, but also with inadequately low self-esteem, who are constantly afraid of discovering an imaginary failure. This kind of self-doubt appears, according to L.I. Bozovic (1968), only reverse side desire for self-affirmation and serves as a defense mechanism against the possibility of not being at the level of the child’s too high aspirations.

An analysis of the relationship between self-esteem and the level of aspirations in terms of the adequacy parameter revealed that if at least one parameter is inadequate, a whole motivational-affective complex: dissatisfaction with the current situation, lack of clear ideals, lack of self-confidence; the time perspective is stretched out, being at the same time unfilled with content; claims deviate towards unproductivity; emotional stability decreases; there is a focus on conflict-free interpersonal interaction in order to establish useful connections, which is dictated, on the one hand, by friendliness and an attitude of cooperation, and on the other hand by the desire for leadership combined with doubts in one’s abilities (Zinko, 2007).

The problem of measuring the adequacy of self-esteem is quite complex. Self-esteem is always subjective, so the question arises, what kind of self-esteem is considered adequate, but on what grounds can one judge its adequacy or inadequacy? As criteria for measuring the adequacy of self-esteem, researchers propose “the degree of correspondence between the individual’s performance results and his value judgments about them” (Lipkina, 1976), assessments of an “honest witness” (expert) who knows everything about the individual, or group assessments according to the principle: “the group is always right” (cited from: Avdeeva, 2005). However, a number of authors believe that the assessments of others may not be more objective than a person’s self-esteem. For example, teacher evaluations personal qualities students are often quite erroneous, since they are determined by a number of significant characteristics of the teachers themselves (Kolomiisky, 2000).

In addition, as noted, most people have “above average” effect(Sedikides, Gregg, 2002); evaluating himself according to certain parameters, a person has a tendency to evaluate himself "just above the middle"(Rubinstein, 1970), which can distort the adequacy of self-esteem. When evaluating others, it often appears avoiding extreme judgments(both low and high): the reason for underestimation of very high results is considered to be the expert’s desire to unconsciously “link” the data of the person being assessed to his own achievements; and the reason for the overestimation of low estimates is leniency effect- the tendency to give a positive assessment to another, which elevates the expert in his own eyes (cited from: Druzhinin, 2001). In any case, the expert rating scale is deformed and compressed, and ratings are grouped around the average level. Therefore, the adequacy/inadequacy of self-esteem is most easily established in relation to individual parameters, rather than the personality as a whole, and according to those parameters that can be objectively measured.

What is self-esteem and the level of aspirations of an individual we described in the book of the same name article, now we will discuss the types of inadequate self-esteem and tell you how they are formed.

Inadequate self-esteem can be either underestimated or overestimated. Some psychologists describe not two types of unrealistic self-esteem, but several more. Let's get to know them.

1. Low self-esteem: constant use of machinery psychological protection, diffidence. A person with low self-esteem prefers to behave in accordance with the strategy of “guaranteed success,” that is, he chooses only goals that he knows he can achieve without the risk of failure - and very often these goals turn out to be below his real capabilities. Both in school and in work, such people behave passively, keeping in the shadows - not because they are really not capable of anything, but because they are too afraid to make some mistake. The level of success is usually below average, but generally stable: a fairly constant “mediocre”.

2. Unstable, predominantly low self-esteem: activated psychological defense mechanisms. Preference is given to such methods of behavior that support the strategy of “devaluing failure”, such as “we couldn’t achieve what we wanted - well, okay, it didn’t hurt what we wanted.” People with this type of self-esteem have an inflated level of aspirations and, setting too much for themselves difficult task, do not make concerted efforts to solve it.

However, there are also stubborn people who try to jump to the bar that is set too high; but they do it without any preliminary preparation, without relying on their capabilities and abilities - this is where low self-esteem manifests itself: these people do not see or appreciate their strengths and choose goals more or less at random. The successes that can be achieved in school or in professional activity, insignificant and unstable. At the same time, a person with unstable low self-esteem explains his failures by third-party reasons, injustice of his superiors, etc.

3. Inflated self-esteem: the main desire is to protect yourself from failure at any cost, and therefore people with such self-esteem, like the first type, strive with all their might to avoid goals, the achievement of which is not 100% guaranteed. This is the “guaranteed success” strategy we are already familiar with. Such people strive to hide even from themselves the fact that their capabilities are below their aspirations, and therefore avoid any situations in which this discrepancy could be revealed. As a result, the activities of these people may even be quite successful (and stable), but still below their real capabilities.

4. Sustained high self-esteem: unreasonable confidence in one's own abilities, opportunities, talents. Often such self-esteem is formed in people who actually have significant abilities in one type of activity: for example, a person can “automatically” transfer success in sports to the field of business, believing that in entrepreneurship he will certainly achieve the same success as in running. path. At the same time, he does not realize that he does not possess the qualities necessary for effective entrepreneurial activity, and his victories in short-distance running are by no means a guarantee great achievements in an area unknown to him.

A person with persistently high self-esteem “overclocked” sets difficult, difficult to achieve goals in unfamiliar areas of activity, ignores the first failures and attributes them to chance. But repetition of failures leads to very strong experiences, to a real emotional storm.

Formation of self-esteem.

Initially, self-esteem is formed in a child through the experience of achievements and failures: taking the first steps (both literally and figuratively), interacting with the world around him, he begins to realize his capabilities, find out what he can do and what he cannot do, what results do his or her actions lead to? And of course, a very powerful source for the formation of self-esteem is the attitude of adults towards the child - first of all parents, then educators, teachers, and with the onset adolescence The opinions of peers also become extremely important.

And even in adulthood, our attitude towards ourselves, of course, depends to a fair extent on the opinions of other people - but, of course, not at all as much as in childhood.

But if a person’s self-esteem deviates from adequate, this always manifests itself in the fact that he relies excessively on the attitude of others towards him: knowledge of himself is not sufficiently developed, and a “mirror” is constantly required.

The problem is that if a person relies entirely on the approval of others to determine his worth, he is doomed to very unpleasant experiences when he is no longer praised or even begins to be criticized (even if this criticism is quite constructive). If other people do not support such a person's self-esteem, he will inevitably begin to feel like a hopeless loser.

Now that we have understood a little about the types of self-esteem, we can move on to the fight against inadequate self-esteem, in particular low self-esteem, so continue the topic by reading the article " How to increase self-esteem".

Every person tends to constantly evaluate himself, his behavior and actions. This is necessary for the harmonious development of personality and building relationships with other people. The ability to evaluate oneself correctly has a huge impact on how society perceives a person and on his life in general.

The concept of self-esteem in psychology

All people analyze their character from time to time, looking for pros and cons in themselves. The concept of self-esteem in psychology is the ability of a person’s consciousness to form an idea of ​​himself and his actions, as well as to judge his skills, abilities, personal qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Self-esteem allows people to think critically about themselves, set various goals and achieve them, compare their capabilities with the requirements in certain areas of life, think about actions and make informed decisions.

The ability to self-analysis has a great influence on shaping people's behavior. Personal qualities such as uncertainty and determination, activity and restraint, sociability and isolation directly depend on self-esteem. A person’s opinion of himself determines the attitude of others towards him.

Types of self-esteem in psychology

What types are there? Depending on how correctly a person evaluates himself, the following main types of self-esteem in psychology can be distinguished: adequate and inadequate.

If a person’s opinion about himself coincides with what he really is, then it is considered adequate. It should be common to all adults. Adequate self-esteem in psychology is the ability of an individual to more or less objectively form an opinion about his or her person.

People with inadequate self-esteem have a self-image that is sharply at odds with what others think about them. Moreover, such an opinion may be overestimated or underestimated.

Depending on exposure to external factors, stable and floating self-esteem are distinguished. Stable self-esteem in psychology is a person’s unchanging opinion about himself in any situation. In cases where self-image changes depending on mood, success or defeat, approval or condemnation of others, it is floating.

What influences the formation of self-esteem

Every person tends to compare himself with a certain ideal image, with who he would like to be. The coincidence of the real self-image with the desired one plays a huge role in the formation of self-esteem. The further the true image is from the perfect one, the lower a person’s opinion of himself.

The attitude of others towards an individual has a significant influence on the formation of self-esteem. Of particular importance are the opinions of those closest to you: parents, relatives and friends.

A person’s actual achievements in a particular field of activity also affect self-esteem. The higher the personal success, the better the person’s opinion of himself.

How to instill positive self-esteem in a child?

All parents want to see their child succeed and be happy. How much results a person can achieve in life directly depends on self-esteem. To instill in a child a positive self-esteem, it is necessary to adhere to the recommendations given by psychology. A person’s self-esteem begins to form in the very early childhood. Approval and encouragement from adults and their peers is important for a child. If there is none, the child develops low self-esteem.

Children very clearly perceive attention to them from adults. If a child notices that he is being ignored, he gets the impression that he is uninteresting to others. In turn, this negatively affects his self-esteem. Thus, in order for a child to form a positive opinion about himself, he must constantly feel protected, significant and important.

What problems does inadequate self-esteem lead to?

When people do not know how to correctly evaluate themselves, to adequately judge their strengths and weaknesses, they can have many problems. Both low and high self-esteem negatively affect a person’s life.

When people tend to always make choices for the worse, believing that they are not worthy of anything else. This applies to finding a partner, work and much more. As a result, people feel constant dissatisfaction, but at the same time they are afraid to take decisive steps to somehow change the situation.

In psychology, this is when a person considers himself much better than he really is. This is also a big problem for humans. First of all, it affects relationships with others. It is difficult for people to communicate with those who constantly put themselves above others, brag and extol their person. As a rule, a person with overly high self-esteem has very few friends.

signs and causes

It is important for any person to feel confident. However, thinking too highly of yourself often does more harm than good.

It is quite easy to identify a person with high self-esteem. These people are very selfish. They always put their own interests above those of others. They love to talk about themselves, often interrupt and change the topic of conversation if it is not interesting to them. They do not want to know the opinions of other people; they consider their point of view on any issue to be the only correct one. A person with high self-esteem gladly takes on difficult, sometimes impossible work, and in cases of failure falls into despair and depression.

What leads to the formation of high self-esteem in people? First of all, this is incorrect upbringing. When parents indulge their child in everything, do not limit anything and are ready to fulfill all his desires at the first request, the child develops the opinion that he is the most main man in the world, and everyone should adore and worship him.

How to learn to adequately evaluate yourself?

If you notice that your child has high self-esteem, it is urgent to take measures to ensure that he learns to form an adequate opinion about himself, otherwise it will be very difficult for him to build relationships with others. First of all, it is worth limiting the child’s praise, trying to explain in which situations success is his merit, and in which successful circumstances led to it.

Correcting high self-esteem in an adult is much more difficult. Such people most often do not see or do not want to see the problem, and, accordingly, fight it. It is almost impossible to explain to a person that he has inadequate self-esteem.

If you realize that your self-image is inflated, you need to make considerable efforts to learn to evaluate yourself adequately. The most important thing is to understand that every person has the right to their own opinion, and if it differs from yours, this does not mean at all that it is wrong. Learn to hear others, make concessions, and selflessly help people.

and its signs

Low self-esteem in psychology is a condition in which a person thinks of himself much worse than he really is. It leads to problems such as isolation, stiffness, jealousy, envy, and resentment.

The problem of many individuals is low self-esteem. The psychology of such people is such that they, as a rule, strive to get a position that requires a minimum degree of responsibility. When choosing a partner, they unconsciously attract people who only strengthen their self-doubt. They are prone to excessive self-criticism and concentration on their shortcomings. Such people often complain, consider themselves unlucky and helpless.

How to increase your self-esteem?

According to statistics, men are more likely to inflate their self-image. Women are more prone to underestimating their merits; they often look for shortcomings in themselves - this is their psychology. is a very difficult problem for them.

As a rule, the reason for low self-esteem in women lies in dissatisfaction with their appearance or figure, as well as hidden complexes caused by failures in personal relationships or career.

How to increase a woman's self-esteem? Psychology advises first of all to start concentrating on your strengths. Think about what your positive qualities are? Why do you deserve better in life than you have? Every woman can find something good in herself. For example, someone is an excellent cook, someone sings and dances beautifully, someone is endowed with a List of their positive qualities need to be repeated as often as possible so that they are deposited at the subconscious level.

To increase your self-esteem, try to communicate with people who respect and support you. Keep track of your appearance, dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable and confident. It can be very difficult to increase your self-esteem, the main thing is not to give up and believe that you will succeed.

Where does inadequate self-esteem even come from? From childhood, of course! Those who were tirelessly praised in childhood, never scolded for anything, and allowed to do whatever their heart desires, without restrictions, have too high an opinion of themselves. Such children, having learned during their school years that they are not the center of the earth, experience serious emotional stress; although their self-esteem suffers, it remains in the same position. Everyone around is to blame, but not themselves.

Of course, children need to be loved and praised, but do not forget: if the praise is not deserved, that is, “What a smart, beautiful girl you are” sounds in advance, a personal problem can develop from this. Who hasn’t met people with incredible pride, arrogance out of nowhere and contempt for others?

This is doubly troublesome for women. Because even if you are lucky and nature has rewarded you with beauty, narcissism and arrogance are still unpleasant to others. And with modest external data they cause bewilderment. Instead of learning to skillfully mask shortcomings and develop strengths, such a woman sincerely does not understand why she is unlucky in her personal life, and looks for reasons not within herself, but in other people. And then the road to self-improvement closes.

As for low self-esteem, it appears in a child when he is uninteresting to his parents as a person, is not respected by them, and communication comes down to the banal: “Have you eaten? Have you learned your lessons? Well, go ... "Parental indifference occurs in apparently prosperous families, paradoxically, more often than in low-income families. Children here have everything except the main thing - sincere participation in their lives.

If a son or daughter was rarely told: “You are beautiful”, “And you are smart”, “I am proud of you, I always love you”, if parents gave preference to the younger one, ignoring the older one, then where does a good opinion of themselves come from? Low self-esteem (LS) blocks self-development (thoughts interfere: “Well, I can’t… I won’t succeed”) and puts obstacles in your personal life. Girls with DS respond to proposals from unworthy men, throw in their lot with alcoholics and psychological sadists, subconsciously believing: “I deserve this.” It happens that low self-esteem traumatizes a person so much that he begins to work hard on himself, and as a result, self-esteem, bypassing the neutral zone, jumps into high self-esteem.

How to raise children so that they do not develop low self-esteem?

Don’t compare your child with others: “Masha already knows how to read and write, but you’re growing up like a dunce,” “Take an example from your brother: he takes care of toys, and you break everything, you crooked one!”, “Well, where do you want to be an artist? You’re burping!” And don’t compare him to yourself either - he’s different! “I was your age... And you...”

Take a closer look at your children. Adequate self-esteem is characterized by activity without aggression, resourcefulness without necessarily expecting praise, optimism, a sense of humor, and sociability. And when it is underestimated, the child experiences passivity, suspiciousness, resentment, and fear of playing and communicating (“What if they see that I’m worse than others?”). Usually such children have an offended expression on their faces; in case of any mistake, they immediately find someone else to blame and rejoice at the mistakes of others.

I was once struck by a friend’s son, nine-year-old Denis, with whom we were on vacation together.

“Denis, please go to the room and bring my phone,” the mother asks her son.

- Mom, what are you doing? I won't find our room! What if I get lost?

She persuaded him for a long time, and he finally left. Five minutes later he returned:

- Well, I told you so! Didn't find the number!

It’s a pity that my mother reacted incorrectly, saying:

- Okay, sit here. I'll go myself.

I should have answered:

- Denis, please go again and finish what I asked you to do. I'm sure you can handle it, my dear son.

Be observant. With inflated self-esteem, children strive to be first in everything and experience failure acutely (for example, they get sick after receiving a B). If it is too low, they don’t get down to business at all and compare their successes with those who have no successes at all. “I got a B for the test, but Masha got a D!” If a child often says: “I can’t do this...”, “I’ll still do worse than...”, “He’s just lucky...”, “It’s not my fault that...”, “The teacher doesn’t love me...” , “Everyone is against me...”, etc. - it’s time to sound the alarm.

The good news: self-esteem can be changed with various exercises, bringing it closer to adequate. The bad news is that if you let everything go on the brakes and don’t monitor your internal state, then these will turn out to be only temporary adjustments. The “insecure child” often lives in 70-year-old people. Surely you have met old people who remember with resentment their childhood, in which they were little loved. Such individuals themselves do not know how to love.

So, if you don’t have time to go to a psychologist, try to work on your self-esteem yourself.

1. If you have SS, then never compare yourself to other people. There will always be someone better, more beautiful, smarter and luckier than you. If you don’t get rid of the habit of comparison, you will become envious and bitter.

2. Stop scolding and judging yourself. Talk about yourself only in a positive way. For phrases addressed to yourself: “What a stupid chicken! Fat cow! Loser! pay yourself a fine. And not 10 rubles, but 100 for each. Put your money in a box and give the accumulated amount to those in need once a month.

3. Watch your appearance and posture. Do you want to crawl into a secluded corner and hide there? You are on the road to recovery, so overcome your fears and finally straighten your shoulders!

4. Do not attach any significance to other people's negative statements about you and your abilities. Of course, if management is dissatisfied with you, still try to meet their expectations. But if your boyfriend has bad habit inform you: “Eat less! And since it’s a bun,” then ignore the comments or (what’s smarter) change the man.

5. Try to overcome suspiciousness. People with ES often imagine a universal conspiracy. The boss's secretary nodded slightly when they met - maybe the boss is dissatisfied with you? Come on! The girl just didn't get enough sleep today.

6. Make a list of those qualities of yours (external and internal) that you like. “I have beautiful hands, a long neck, clear skin, I take good photographs, I am a wonderful friend.”

7. Write down your social achievements and review the list daily. For example: “In just three years in Moscow, I managed to achieve a lot at work, I can drive a car well, and I started going to the gym regularly.”

8. Do this exercise in writing: describe your problems and try to translate them into achievements. For example: “I have few friends, but they are real and faithful. And this shows that I am a selective person.” Or: “I’m not popular with men, but the few novels I’ve had are bright and memorable.”

9. Do not seek friendship with those who consider you stupid, tasteless, or somehow different. The fact that they don't notice how wonderful you are impoverishes them, not you!

10. Affirmations (positive statements) that increase self-esteem help with SS. For example: “I am worthy of joy and happiness. God created me, and he loves me,” etc. Hang the leaves with these pleasant words in the bedroom and, when you wake up, re-read them for a few minutes.

11. Remember that if you don’t give anything, you won’t receive anything! Therefore, do as many good things as possible. You can, as in childhood, agree with yourself that you will do 10 good deeds in a week. Then 20, 30... Don't pay attention to the fact that someone is ungrateful and didn't say thank you. Try to show generosity (but not condescension - this quality is inherent in people with high self-esteem).

12. Watch your speech and gestures. With inflated self-esteem, arrogance often creeps into the tone. The words sound as if you are telling people: you are all idiots! If it is understated, the gestures are fussy (which is unacceptable), and there are too many words. And laughter is often inappropriate. Don't try to please people! Behave with dignity, calm and kindness.

13. Do what you really like. A job you hate is bad for your self-esteem. If possible, try to change it and find a field of activity in which all your abilities will be demonstrated.

14. Learn to calmly, without scandals, distance yourself from negative, unpleasant, aggressive people. Don't live by other people's thoughts and advice. On one's own decisions made, although not always true, increase self-esteem.

15. Learn to make risky and bold decisions for which you can respect yourself (without self-respect, adequate self-esteem is impossible). Do you dream of living on the ocean for a year? Well, what's stopping you? Everything is in your hands, and don't make excuses. Feeling inner strength equalizes self-esteem. Once you stop being afraid of people's refusals and mistakes and stop paying attention to what others think of you, your self-esteem will increase. John Lennon said: “If you worry about what your neighbors think of you, you will never achieve anything!”

16. Stop making unrealistic demands on the world and others. Evaluate your abilities objectively, then you will be less likely to fail. And self-esteem will not fall.

17. Forgive yourself all your mistakes, mistakes (even gross ones and those for which you are very ashamed). Laugh at them.

18. Decent self-esteem always accompanies peace of mind, the ability to love and be loved, the joy of every day of life lived.

Photo: Fotolia/All Over Press

Psychologist Alla Zanimonets gives in her blog practical advice not only for men and women looking for their soulmates, but also for those who want to live in harmony with themselves and others.