To all my family members

A nation in which everyone was General Patton would no more succeed than a nation in which everyone was Vincent van Gogh. I prefer to think that our planet is equally we need athletes, philosophers, sex symbols, artists, scientists; sympathetic and callous, rational and easily vulnerable people have their own role. The world needs those who will devote their lives to studying the specifics of the salivary glands in dogs, as well as those who can capture a short moment of cherry blossoms in a poem of fourteen syllables or devote twenty-five pages to describing feelings little boy, lying in the silence of the night on his bed, waiting for his mother's kiss before bed.

The presence of any pronounced talent indicates that something was sacrificed...

Allan Sean

© Susan Cain, 2012

From the author

Formally, I have been working on this book since 2005, but, in fact, my entire life. I spoke and corresponded with hundreds, if not thousands, of people discussing the issues presented in the book, and read countless books, scientific and journal articles, and discussions on forums and blogs. I quote some of the authors verbatim; the thoughts of others permeate every sentence in this book.

The book “stands on the shoulders” of many people, mainly scientists and researchers, whose work taught me a lot. In an ideal world, I would list each and every one of those who helped me and shared knowledge. But, to protect the reader from an endless stream of names, some authors are mentioned only in the “Notes” section.

For the same reason, I sometimes omitted quotation marks when quoting other people, but at the same time I was careful that new words did not distort the meaning intended by the author. If you want to get acquainted with the original of this or that idea, you can find a detailed list in the “Notes” section.

I have changed the names and physical descriptions of several people whose stories I share here, as well as stories from my law practice. In order not to intrude on the privacy of the participants in Charles di Cagno's seminars, who did not at all expect that they would become characters in a book when they signed up for the courses; The history of my first seminar is a composition of general impressions throughout the entire period of training. The same goes for Greg and Emily's story, which is compiled from interviews with many couples. Due to the imperfection of my memory, many stories are given in the form in which I remembered them. It should also be said that I did not check their reliability, placing in the book only those that seemed plausible to me.

Introduction
Poles of temperament(1)

Montgomery, Alabama. First December 1955(2). Early evening. A city bus stops and a modestly dressed woman in her forties gets on.

Her posture is upright, despite spending the day hunched over an ironing board in the basement of a local department store laundry. Her legs are swollen, her shoulders ache from fatigue. She sits in the front row of the "color" section 1
Places in public transport reserved for people of other races. A common practice in the southern US states of those years, part of the segregation policy. Note ed.

And he calmly watches as the bus is filled with passengers. This continues until the driver asks her to make room for a white passenger.

A woman utters a single word that will later give birth to one of the most important movements in the fight for civil rights in the twentieth century - a word that will lead America onto the path of moral renewal.

This word is no.

The driver threatens to arrest her.

“You can do it,” Rosa Parks replies.

A policeman arrives. He asks Parks why she refused to give up her seat.

– Why do you always tell us where it is? – she answers simply.

“I have no idea,” he says, “but the law is the law!” - you are under arrest.

On the day of her trial, she is found guilty of unlawful conduct and convicted. Following the verdict, the NAACP in Montgomery holds a rally in support of Parks at Holt Street Baptist Church, in the city's poorest neighborhood. Five thousand people gathered to show their support for this woman's lonely act of courage. They squeeze into the church until all the pews are occupied. Those who remain have to wait outside and listen to public address systems. Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. addresses the crowd. “There comes a time when people get tired. We are gathered here tonight to tell those who have treated us so poorly for so long that our patience has run out. We are tired of segregation and humiliation, we are tired of the iron fists of the oppressors." 2
Quote by Miller W. Martin Luther King. Life, suffering and greatness. – Text, 2004. Note ed.

He praises Parks' courage and hugs her. All this time she stands quietly next to him, and her mere presence is enough to inspire enthusiasm and strength in the crowd. The association launches a citywide bus boycott campaign that lasts 381 days. People walk miles to work or ask strangers for a ride on the roads. By their behavior they are changing the course of American history.

I always imagined Rosa Parks as a statuesque woman with a challenge in her eyes - in short, the kind of person who could easily be insolent on a bus full of passengers. However, after her death in 2005 at the age of 92, a stream of obituaries described her as a medium-sized woman with a gentle personality and a pleasant personality. She was said to be "modest and shy" but had "the courage of a lion." The descriptions contained many phrases such as “deep humility” and “quiet perseverance.” What does it mean to be quiet and stoic? What does this mean? How can you be humble at the same time? And brave?

Parks, seemingly aware of this paradox, titled her biography Quiet Strength, a title that forces us to reconsider our ideas about strength and resilience. Why is it quiet? can not to be strong? And what can be combined with calmness that we didn’t think of before?

* * *

Our lives are determined as much by character as by race or gender. And the main personality trait – “southern and north pole temperament,” as one scientist puts it, is belonging to an extroverted or introverted type. The degree to which these qualities are expressed affects our behavior, the choice of circle of friends and acquaintances, the manner of conversation, the way we solve problems and show love. The tendency towards extraversion or introversion affects the choice of profession and success in it. It also determines our desire to engage in physical exercise; determines the tendency towards adultery; affects the ability to function normally in conditions of insufficient sleep; forces you to learn from your mistakes or strive for risky play on the stock market, and also affects the ability to abstain from pleasure; be a good leader and look for alternative ways 3
The distribution of these qualities between extroverts and introverts looks like this: a penchant for sports - extroverts; tendency towards adultery (3) – extroverts; do better without sleep (4) – introverts; learn from their mistakes (5) – introverts; more adventurous(6) – extroverts; delay gratification - introverts; the best leaders (7) - depending on the type of leadership, either introverts or extroverts; tendency to think about alternative options (8) – introverts. Note auto

All these qualities are determined by the functioning mechanism nervous system, her individual characteristics. Today, introversion and extraversion are among the most deeply researched personality traits, but the interest of scientists and psychologists in this topic is still very high. Behind last years with help modern technologies researchers have made many amazing discoveries.

Interest in the question of temperament has very deep roots. Poets and philosophers have pondered human character since the beginning of time, as evidenced by historical documents. Descriptions of both personality types are found in the Bible (9), in the works of doctors Ancient Greece and Rome. Some evolutionary psychologists argue (10) that examples of extroverted and introverted behavior of individuals can be found in the animal kingdom: introverts and extroverts are found both among fruit flies and among highly developed rhesus macaques. As with other important pairs of opposites—masculine and feminine, East and West, liberal and conservative—humanity would be much less diverse without the two personality types.

Consider, for example, the tandem of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. An influential speaker who refuses to give up his seat on a bus would not have the same effect as a quiet woman who prefers to behave modestly unless an emergency prevents her from doing so. Parks wouldn't have been able to get the crowd going if she'd gone up to the podium and declared that she had a dream. 4
An allusion to Martin Luther King's most famous "I Have a Dream" speech, delivered on August 28, 1963 from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial during the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom! Note ed.

But thanks to King, she didn't have to do that.

Yet a very narrow range of expression is considered socially approved. personal qualities. We are told that to be successful is to be brave, and to be happy is to get along with people easily. We see ourselves as a nation of extroverts and therefore lose sight of who we really are. The results of various studies, depending on which one you look at, show that between a third and half of Americans are introverts, in other words, one of two or three people you know(eleven). (Given that the United States is considered one of the most extroverted(12) nations, the number of introverts should be at least as high in other parts of the world.) Even if you yourself are not an introvert, your spouse, colleague, friend or relative may well be.

If this statistic surprises you, it's most likely because many people just pretend to be extroverts. A naturally introvert can be very successful at hiding his true colors on the playground, in the school locker room, or in the office hallway. Some even succeed in self-deception, at least until a certain point in life—a layoff, an empty nest stage, or an unexpected inheritance—that allows them to live the life they always wanted and opens their eyes to their true selves. Try to bring up this topic in conversation with friends and acquaintances, and you will be surprised to find that many people, by their own admission, consider themselves introverts, despite the striking difference in their behavior from your stereotypical ideas.

Considering all that has been said, it becomes absolutely clear why many introverts hide their true colors from others and from themselves. Our society is governed by a value system I call the “Ideal Extrovert,” or the pervasive belief that the ideal self should be outgoing, dominant, and comfortable in the spotlight. According to the archetypal model, an extrovert prefers action to contemplation, risk to caution, and confidence to doubt. He tends to make quick decisions, despite the high probability of them being wrong, works well in a team and has no problems with socialization. We like to think that we value individuality, when in most cases there is only one type of personality that we admire - the person who is used to overcoming difficulties, who works hard to achieve their goals. Of course, we allow all the gifted eccentrics who create companies in garages to express their personality as they please, but this is rather the exception to the rule - our tolerance usually extends to those of them who manage to get fabulously rich, or at least those who give hope for this.

Introversion, like its “cousins” - sensitivity, seriousness and shyness, is considered a second-class quality, almost beyond the norm, and causes disappointment. The life of introverts in the world of an ideal extrovert resembles the life of a woman in a man's world. They are not accepted because of what constitutes the very core of their personality and defines their true essence. Extroversion is extremely attractive, but we have turned this quality into the only standard that everyone somehow has to live up to.

The existence of the ideal extrovert standard is indirectly confirmed by many studies, although all this data has never been united by a single conclusion. It has been proven, for example, that talkative people (13) are considered more intelligent, beautiful, interesting and desirable as friends. At the same time, both the rate of speech (14) and its volume matter: people who speak quickly seem more competent and attractive compared to those who speak slowly. A similar trend can be seen in other studies: talkative people (15) always seem smarter and more pleasant to talk to than their silent counterparts, despite the complete lack of correlation between the ability to generate good ideas and how well a person speaks. Even the meaning of the word “introvert” has taken on a negative connotation: in one informal experiment (16) conducted by psychologist Laurie Halgo, it was found that most introverts use a rich and colorful vocabulary to describe their own appearance (“blue-green eyes”, “exotic” , “high cheekbones”), but when asked to describe the average introvert, they paint a vague and unattractive picture (“awkward,” “colorless,” “bad skin”).

In my opinion, we make an unforgivable mistake by blindly praising the ideal of extroversion. Some of man's greatest ideas, works of art, and inventions—take the theory of evolution, or Vincent van Gogh's Sunflowers, or personal computers—have come from the quiet, thinking people who are able to tune into their inner rhythm and find true treasures in the nooks and crannies of the mind. Without introverts, the world would lose:

– theory of gravity (17) by Sir Isaac Newton;

– theory of relativity (18) by Albert Einstein;

– poem “The Second Coming” (19) by William Butler Yeats 5
Irish poet and playwright. Note ed.

– nocturnes by Fryderyk Chopin (20);

– “In Search of Lost Time” by Marcel Proust (21);

– “Peter Pan” (22) by James Barrie 6
Scottish playwright and novelist. Note ed.

– “1984” and “Animal Farm” by George Orwell (23);

- "The Cat in the Hat" by Dr. Seuss 7
Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss) – American children's writer. Note ed.

– Charlie Brown 8
One of the Peanuts comic book characters created by artist Charles Schulz. Note ed.

Charles Schultz (24);

– “Schindler’s List”, “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” and “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” by Steven Spielberg (25);

– Google(26) Sergey Brin and Larry Page;

– “Harry Potter” by JK Rowling (27).

According to scientist-journalist Winifred Gallagher, the ability to perceive and reflect on the reality around us, rather than immediately interact with it, is more likely to lead to the creation of outstanding works of art and science. Neither E=mc 2 nor “Paradise Lost”(28) 9
Poem by John Milton. Published in Russian: Milton J. Paradise Lost. – M.: Eksmo, 2004.

Couldn't be on a quick fix cobbled together cheerful partygoer. Even in fields such as finance, politics, and the civil rights movement, where a certain degree of extroversion would seem to be required, some remarkable breakthroughs have been made by introverts. So, in this book you will find examples of Eleanor Roosevelt, Al Gore, Warren Buffett, Mahatma Gandhi and Rosa Parks - people who achieved victory without contrary to, A thanks to your personal qualities.

Since childhood, we spend time at desks arranged in ever-expanding groups, which fosters the habit of group learning, and according to some studies, most educators believe(29) that the ideal student should be an extrovert. We watch all sorts of television shows whose participants don't resemble us at all. real people that we meet in life; we see rock stars and outrageous hosts with inflated egos like Hannah Montana 10
The heroine of an American television series about a teenage girl, broadcast on the Disney Channel. Note ed.

And Carly Shay from iCarly 11
Character in the youth comedy series on Nickelodeon. Note ed.

Even little Sid from Sid the Science Kid 12
Character from an American educational cartoon show. Note ed.

PBS-funded 13
Public Broadcasting Service is an American non-profit television broadcasting service. Note ed.

Who should serve as a model for a preschooler, starts every day in the garden by dancing in the hallway with his friends. (“Check out my moves! I’m a rock star!”)

As adults, many of us find ourselves working in companies that require teamwork and force us to work in open offices under bosses who value getting along with people above all else. To move up the corporate ladder, we must unceremoniously put ourselves forward at every opportunity. Scientists who manage to get funding often turn out to be very confident people, maybe even too confident. Artists whose works adorn exhibition halls modern galleries, taking an impressive pose, flaunt at the entrance in elaborate outfits. Authors whose books are published—once considered a strange breed of recluse—now have to prove their ability on talk shows and press conferences. (You wouldn't be reading this book if I hadn't convinced the publisher that I was a good enough pseudo-extrovert to promote it.)

An introvert has probably had to deal with the destructive impact on the psyche of all these prejudices. Maybe in childhood you overheard parents apologizing for their child’s shyness. (Why can’t you be like the boys in the Kennedy family? This was a question one of the people I interviewed often heard from the parents of one of the people I interviewed.) At school, you were quite likely forced to “come out of your shell” - even this strange expression reflects a lack of understanding of that , why some animals carry a portable shelter everywhere and why some people do the same. “All those comments I heard as a child still ring in my ears, telling me I’m lazy, stupid, slow, boring,” writes one member of the online community Introvert’s Haven. “By the time I was able to understand my introverted nature, part of me had already been influenced by the belief that there was something wrong with me. It would be nice to be able to find this grain of doubt that torments me and get rid of it forever.”

Even as an adult, it is quite possible to feel some remorse when turning down an invitation to dinner in favor of reading a good book. Or perhaps you like to dine alone at a restaurant and would prefer not to be stared at by other diners. Or you are often told that you “withdraw into yourself” too often, which is often heard by calm and thoughtful people.

Of course, they can be called one more word - thinkers.

* * *

I have personally seen how difficult it can sometimes be for introverts to learn new skills and how successfully they use them afterwards. For over a decade, I have trained a diverse audience (corporate lawyers, hedge fund managers, university students, and married couples) on negotiation. Naturally, my trainings touched on basic issues: how to prepare for negotiations, when to make the first offer, how to behave if the other side insists: “agree or leave.” But besides this, I helped clients understand themselves better and use their potential more successfully.

My very first client was a female Wall Street lawyer. Quiet and dreamy, Laura avoided unnecessary attention and did not tolerate aggression. Somehow, miraculously, she was able to graduate from Harvard Law School - in this harsh place, classes are held in huge amphitheaters suitable for gladiator fights. (Once, from stress, Laura threw up right on the way to class.) And now, in real world, she wasn't sure she could advocate for her clients as forcefully as they expected.

During her first three years as a junior associate at the firm, she had no opportunity to test her assumption. But one day the senior lawyer she was assisting went on vacation, and Laura had to take on the responsibility of conducting some very serious negotiations. Laura represented a South American industrial company that was behind on a bank loan and was hoping to negotiate new terms; On the other side of the negotiating table sat the lawyer for the syndicate of bankers who issued the loan.

Laura would have happily preferred to hide under the above table, but managed to overcome this desire. Courageously, if nervously, she took her seat, placing herself between her clients: the general counsel and the senior finance employee. It must be said that these were Laura’s favorite clients - sophisticated and courteous, very different from the company’s other clients, who behaved like rulers of the world. In the past, Laura had the opportunity to attend a Yankees game with the main consultant. 14
The New York Yankees are a professional baseball club in the United States. Note ed.

In addition, she helped him choose a handbag as a gift for his sister. But now all these sweet activities—the kind of social interaction Laura liked—seemed like a distant dream. On opposite side sat at the table were nine irritated bankers in expensive suits along with their lawyer, a woman with a square chin but friendly manners. This lady, clearly not a timid woman, immediately gave an impressive speech about how incredibly lucky Laura’s clients were: after all, they were given the opportunity to accept the bankers’ conditions. She said it was an incredibly generous offer on their part.

Everyone expected Laura to say something in response, but absolutely nothing came to her mind. And she just sat there and blinked. Under the gaze of everyone present. Laura's clients fidgeted tensely in their chairs. In the woman’s brain, ordinary thoughts rushed through the usual circle: “I’m too timid for this kind of work, indecisive, I think too much.” She saw a man who would be more suitable for this task: confident, cocky, ready to slam his fist on the table. At school, they were called “outgoing” - on the seventh-grader rating scale, this quality is even higher than “nice” for girls and “sporty” for guys. Laura promised herself that today she would endure her final torment. Tomorrow she will start searching new career. But then Laura remembered what I had told her so many times: that as an introvert, she had unique negotiating skills—perhaps less pronounced, but no less effective. She probably prepared for these negotiations like no one else. Her speech was calm but confident because she rarely spoke without thinking. Soft-spoken, Laura could take a strong, even aggressive stance, passing it off as a calm and thoughtful approach. She also knew how to ask questions, a lot of questions, and listen to the answers - and this is a very useful quality in negotiations, regardless of personality type.

Susan Kane

Introverts. How to use your personality traits

To all my family members

A nation in which everyone was General Patton would no more succeed than a nation in which everyone was Vincent van Gogh. I prefer to think that our planet needs athletes, philosophers, sex symbols, artists, scientists in equal measure; sympathetic and callous, rational and easily vulnerable people have their own role. The world needs those who will devote their lives to studying the specifics of the salivary glands in dogs, and also those who can capture a short moment of cherry blossom in a poem of fourteen syllables or devote twenty-five pages to describing the feelings of a little boy lying in the silence of the night on his bed in waiting for your mother's kiss before going to bed.

The presence of any pronounced talent indicates that something was sacrificed...

Allan Sean

Formally, I have been working on this book since 2005, but, in fact, my entire life. I spoke and corresponded with hundreds, if not thousands, of people discussing the issues presented in the book, and read countless books, scientific and journal articles, and discussions on forums and blogs. I quote some of the authors verbatim; the thoughts of others permeate every sentence in this book.

The book “stands on the shoulders” of many people, mainly scientists and researchers, whose work taught me a lot. In an ideal world, I would list each and every one of those who helped me and shared knowledge. But, to protect the reader from an endless stream of names, some authors are mentioned only in the “Notes” section.

For the same reason, I sometimes omitted quotation marks when quoting other people, but at the same time I was careful that new words did not distort the meaning intended by the author. If you want to get acquainted with the original of this or that idea, you can find a detailed list in the “Notes” section.

I have changed the names and physical descriptions of several people whose stories I share here, as well as stories from my law practice. In order not to intrude on the privacy of the participants in Charles di Cagno's seminars, who did not at all expect that they would become characters in a book when they signed up for the courses; The history of my first seminar is a composition of general impressions throughout the entire period of training. The same goes for Greg and Emily's story, which is compiled from interviews with many couples. Due to the imperfection of my memory, many stories are given in the form in which I remembered them. It should also be said that I did not check their reliability, placing in the book only those that seemed plausible to me.

Introduction

Poles of temperament(1)

Montgomery, Alabama. First December 1955(2). Early evening. A city bus stops and a modestly dressed woman in her forties gets on. Her posture is upright, despite spending the day hunched over an ironing board in the basement of a local department store laundry. Her legs are swollen, her shoulders ache from fatigue. She sits in the front row of the “colored” section and calmly watches the bus fill with passengers. This continues until the driver asks her to make room for a white passenger.

A woman utters a single word that will give birth to one of the most important civil rights movements of the 20th century - a word that will set America on the path to moral renewal.

This word is no.

The driver threatens to arrest her.

You can do it, says Rosa Parks.

A policeman arrives. He asks Parks why she refused to give up her seat.

Why do you always tell us where it is? - she answers simply.

“I have no idea,” he says, “but the law is the law!” - you are under arrest.

On the day of her trial, she is found guilty of unlawful conduct and convicted. Following the verdict, the NAACP in Montgomery holds a rally in support of Parks at Holt Street Baptist Church, in the city's poorest neighborhood. Five thousand people gathered to show their support for this woman's lonely act of courage. They squeeze into the church until all the pews are occupied. Those who remain have to wait outside and listen to public address systems. Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. addresses the crowd. “There comes a time when people get tired. We are gathered here tonight to tell those who have treated us so poorly for so long that our patience has run out. We are tired of segregation and humiliation, we are tired of the iron fists of the oppressors."

To all my family members

A nation in which everyone was General Patton would no more succeed than a nation in which everyone was Vincent van Gogh. I prefer to think that our planet needs athletes, philosophers, sex symbols, artists, scientists in equal measure; sympathetic and callous, rational and easily vulnerable people have their own role. The world needs those who will devote their lives to studying the specifics of the salivary glands in dogs, and also those who can capture a short moment of cherry blossom in a poem of fourteen syllables or devote twenty-five pages to describing the feelings of a little boy lying in the silence of the night on his bed in waiting for your mother's kiss before going to bed.

The presence of any pronounced talent indicates that something was sacrificed...

Allan Sean

© Susan Cain, 2012

From the author

Formally, I have been working on this book since 2005, but, in fact, my entire life. I spoke and corresponded with hundreds, if not thousands, of people discussing the issues presented in the book, and read countless books, scientific and journal articles, and discussions on forums and blogs. I quote some of the authors verbatim; the thoughts of others permeate every sentence in this book.

The book “stands on the shoulders” of many people, mainly scientists and researchers, whose work taught me a lot. In an ideal world, I would list each and every one of those who helped me and shared knowledge. But, to protect the reader from an endless stream of names, some authors are mentioned only in the “Notes” section.

For the same reason, I sometimes omitted quotation marks when quoting other people, but at the same time I was careful that new words did not distort the meaning intended by the author. If you want to get acquainted with the original of this or that idea, you can find a detailed list in the “Notes” section.

I have changed the names and physical descriptions of several people whose stories I share here, as well as stories from my law practice. In order not to intrude on the privacy of the participants in Charles di Cagno's seminars, who did not at all expect that they would become characters in a book when they signed up for the courses; The history of my first seminar is a composition of general impressions throughout the entire period of training. The same goes for Greg and Emily's story, which is compiled from interviews with many couples. Due to the imperfection of my memory, many stories are given in the form in which I remembered them. It should also be said that I did not check their reliability, placing in the book only those that seemed plausible to me.

Introduction
Poles of temperament(1)

Montgomery, Alabama. First December 1955(2). Early evening. A city bus stops and a modestly dressed woman in her forties gets on. Her posture is upright, despite spending the day hunched over an ironing board in the basement of a local department store laundry. Her legs are swollen, her shoulders ache from fatigue. She sits in the front row of the “colored” section and calmly watches the bus fill with passengers. This continues until the driver asks her to make room for a white passenger.

A woman utters a single word that will give birth to one of the most important civil rights movements of the 20th century—a word that will set America on the path to moral renewal.

This word is no.

The driver threatens to arrest her.

“You can do it,” Rosa Parks replies.

A policeman arrives. He asks Parks why she refused to give up her seat.

– Why do you always tell us where it is? – she answers simply.

“I have no idea,” he says, “but the law is the law!” - you are under arrest.

On the day of her trial, she is found guilty of unlawful conduct and convicted. Following the verdict, the NAACP in Montgomery holds a rally in support of Parks at Holt Street Baptist Church, in the city's poorest neighborhood. Five thousand people gathered to show their support for this woman's lonely act of courage. They squeeze into the church until all the pews are occupied. Those who remain have to wait outside and listen to public address systems. Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. addresses the crowd. “There comes a time when people get tired. We are gathered here tonight to tell those who have treated us so poorly for so long that our patience has run out. We are tired of segregation and humiliation, we are tired of the iron fists of the oppressors."

He praises Parks' courage and hugs her. All this time she stands quietly next to him, and her mere presence is enough to inspire enthusiasm and strength in the crowd. The association launches a citywide bus boycott campaign that lasts 381 days. People walk miles to work or ask strangers for a ride on the roads. By their behavior they are changing the course of American history.

I always imagined Rosa Parks as a statuesque woman with a challenge in her eyes - in short, the kind of person who could easily be insolent on a bus full of passengers. However, after her death in 2005 at the age of 92, a stream of obituaries described her as a medium-sized woman with a gentle personality and a pleasant personality. She was said to be "modest and shy" but had "the courage of a lion." The descriptions contained many phrases such as “deep humility” and “quiet perseverance.” What does it mean to be quiet and stoic? What does this mean? How can you be humble at the same time? And brave?

Parks, seemingly aware of this paradox, titled her biography Quiet Strength, a title that forces us to reconsider our ideas about strength and resilience. Why is it quiet? can not to be strong? And what can be combined with calmness that we didn’t think of before?

* * *

Our lives are determined as much by character as by race or gender. And the main personality trait – “the southern and northern poles of temperament,” as one scientist puts it – is whether one belongs to an extroverted or introverted type. The degree to which these qualities are expressed affects our behavior, the choice of circle of friends and acquaintances, the manner of conversation, the way we solve problems and show love. The tendency towards extraversion or introversion affects the choice of profession and success in it. It also determines our desire to engage in physical exercise; determines the tendency towards adultery; affects the ability to function normally in conditions of insufficient sleep; forces you to learn from your mistakes or strive for risky play on the stock market, and also affects the ability to abstain from pleasure; be a good leader and look for alternative ways. All these qualities are determined by the functioning mechanism of the nervous system and its individual characteristics. Today, introversion and extraversion are among the most deeply researched personality traits, but the interest of scientists and psychologists in this topic is still very high. In recent years, with the help of modern technology, researchers have made many amazing discoveries.

Interest in the question of temperament has very deep roots. Poets and philosophers have pondered human character since the beginning of time, as evidenced by historical documents. Descriptions of both personality types are found in the Bible (9) and in the works of doctors of Ancient Greece and Rome. Some evolutionary psychologists argue (10) that examples of extroverted and introverted behavior of individuals can be found in the animal kingdom: introverts and extroverts are found both among fruit flies and among highly developed rhesus macaques. As with other important pairs of opposites—masculine and feminine, East and West, liberal and conservative—humanity would be much less diverse without the two personality types.

Consider, for example, the tandem of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. An influential speaker who refuses to give up his seat on a bus would not have the same effect as a quiet woman who prefers to behave modestly unless an emergency prevents her from doing so. Parks wouldn't have been able to get the crowd going if she'd gone up to the podium and declared that she had a dream. But thanks to King, she didn't have to do that.

And yet, a very narrow range of manifestation of personal qualities is considered socially approved. We are told that to be successful is to be brave, and to be happy is to get along with people easily. We see ourselves as a nation of extroverts and therefore lose sight of who we really are. The results of various studies, depending on which one you look at, show that between a third and half of Americans are introverts, in other words, one of two or three people you know(eleven). (Given that the United States is considered one of the most extroverted(12) nations, the number of introverts should be at least as high in other parts of the world.) Even if you yourself are not an introvert, your spouse, colleague, friend or relative may well be.

If this statistic surprises you, it's most likely because many people just pretend to be extroverts. A naturally introvert can be very successful at hiding his true colors on the playground, in the school locker room, or in the office hallway. Some even succeed in self-deception, at least until a certain point in life—a layoff, an empty nest stage, or an unexpected inheritance—that allows them to live the life they always wanted and opens their eyes to their true selves. Try to bring up this topic in conversation with friends and acquaintances, and you will be surprised to find that many people, by their own admission, consider themselves introverts, despite the striking difference in their behavior from your stereotypical ideas.

Considering all that has been said, it becomes absolutely clear why many introverts hide their true colors from others and from themselves. Our society is governed by a value system I call the “Ideal Extrovert,” or the pervasive belief that the ideal self should be outgoing, dominant, and comfortable in the spotlight. According to the archetypal model, an extrovert prefers action to contemplation, risk to caution, and confidence to doubt. He tends to make quick decisions, despite the high probability of them being wrong, works well in a team and has no problems with socialization. We like to think that we value individuality, when in most cases there is only one type of personality that we admire - the person who is used to overcoming difficulties, who works hard to achieve their goals. Of course, we allow all the gifted eccentrics who create companies in garages to express their personality as they please, but this is rather the exception to the rule - our tolerance usually extends to those of them who manage to get fabulously rich, or at least those who give hope for this.

Introversion, like its “cousins” - sensitivity, seriousness and shyness, is considered a second-class quality, almost beyond the norm, and causes disappointment. The life of introverts in the world of an ideal extrovert resembles the life of a woman in a man's world. They are not accepted because of what constitutes the very core of their personality and defines their true essence. Extroversion is extremely attractive, but we have turned this quality into the only standard that everyone somehow has to live up to.

The existence of the ideal extrovert standard is indirectly confirmed by many studies, although all this data has never been united by a single conclusion. It has been proven, for example, that talkative people (13) are considered more intelligent, beautiful, interesting and desirable as friends. At the same time, both the rate of speech (14) and its volume matter: people who speak quickly seem more competent and attractive compared to those who speak slowly. A similar trend can be seen in other studies: talkative people (15) always seem smarter and more pleasant to talk to than their silent counterparts, despite the complete lack of correlation between the ability to generate good ideas and how well a person speaks. Even the meaning of the word “introvert” has taken on a negative connotation: in one informal experiment (16) conducted by psychologist Laurie Halgo, it was found that most introverts use a rich and colorful vocabulary to describe their own appearance (“blue-green eyes”, “exotic” , “high cheekbones”), but when asked to describe the average introvert, they paint a vague and unattractive picture (“awkward,” “colorless,” “bad skin”).

In my opinion, we make an unforgivable mistake by blindly praising the ideal of extroversion. Some of the greatest human ideas, works of art and inventions - take the theory of evolution, or Vincent van Gogh's Sunflowers, or personal computers - arose from quiet, thoughtful people who are able to tune into their inner rhythm and find the true ones in the nooks and crannies of the mind. hidden treasures. Without introverts, the world would lose:

– theory of gravity (17) by Sir Isaac Newton;

– theory of relativity (18) by Albert Einstein;

– poem “The Second Coming” (19) by William Butler Yeats;

– nocturnes by Fryderyk Chopin (20);

– “In Search of Lost Time” by Marcel Proust (21);

– “Peter Pan” (22) by James Barrie;

– “1984” and “Animal Farm” by George Orwell (23);

– “The Cat in the Hat” by Dr. Seuss;

– Charlie Brown Charles Schultz (24);

– “Schindler’s List”, “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” and “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” by Steven Spielberg (25);

– Google(26) Sergey Brin and Larry Page;

– “Harry Potter” by JK Rowling (27).

According to scientist-journalist Winifred Gallagher, the ability to perceive and reflect on the reality around us, rather than immediately interact with it, is more likely to lead to the creation of outstanding works of art and science. Neither E=mc 2 nor “Paradise Lost” (28) could have been hastily put together cheerful partygoer. Even in fields such as finance, politics, and the civil rights movement, where a certain degree of extroversion would seem to be required, some remarkable breakthroughs have been made by introverts. So, in this book you will find examples of Eleanor Roosevelt, Al Gore, Warren Buffett, Mahatma Gandhi and Rosa Parks - people who achieved victory without contrary to, A thanks to your personal qualities.

Since childhood, we spend time at desks arranged in ever-expanding groups, which fosters the habit of group learning, and according to some studies, most educators believe(29) that the ideal student should be an extrovert. We watch all sorts of television shows whose participants do not at all resemble the real people we meet in life; we see rock stars and outrageous hosts with inflated egos like Hannah Montana and iCarly's Carly Shay. Even Little Sid from the PBS-funded Sid the Science Kid, who is supposed to serve as a model preschooler, starts each day at kindergarten by dancing in the hallway with his friends. (“Check out my moves! I’m a rock star!”)

As adults, many of us find ourselves working in companies that require teamwork and force us to work in open offices under bosses who value getting along with people above all else. To move up the corporate ladder, we must unceremoniously put ourselves forward at every opportunity. Scientists who manage to get funding often turn out to be very confident people, maybe even too confident. The artists whose works adorn the exhibition halls of modern galleries strike an impressive pose and flaunt at the entrance in elaborate outfits. Authors whose books are published—once considered a strange breed of recluse—now have to prove their ability on talk shows and press conferences. (You wouldn't be reading this book if I hadn't convinced the publisher that I was a good enough pseudo-extrovert to promote it.)

An introvert has probably had to deal with the destructive impact on the psyche of all these prejudices. Maybe in childhood you overheard parents apologizing for their child’s shyness. (Why can’t you be like the boys in the Kennedy family? This was a question one of the people I interviewed often heard from the parents of one of the people I interviewed.) At school, you were quite likely forced to “come out of your shell” - even this strange expression reflects a lack of understanding of that , why some animals carry a portable shelter everywhere and why some people do the same. “All those comments I heard as a child still ring in my ears, telling me I’m lazy, stupid, slow, boring,” writes one member of the online community Introvert’s Haven. “By the time I was able to understand my introverted nature, part of me had already been influenced by the belief that there was something wrong with me. It would be nice to be able to find this grain of doubt that torments me and get rid of it forever.”

Even as an adult, it is quite possible to feel some remorse when turning down an invitation to dinner in favor of reading a good book. Or perhaps you like to dine alone at a restaurant and would prefer not to be stared at by other diners. Or you are often told that you “withdraw into yourself” too often, which is often heard by calm and thoughtful people.

Of course, they can be called one more word - thinkers.

* * *

I have personally seen how difficult it can sometimes be for introverts to learn new skills and how successfully they use them afterwards. For over a decade, I have trained a diverse audience (corporate lawyers, hedge fund managers, university students, and married couples) on negotiation. Naturally, my trainings touched on basic issues: how to prepare for negotiations, when to make the first offer, how to behave if the other side insists: “agree or leave.” But besides this, I helped clients understand themselves better and use their potential more successfully.

February 17, 2014 at 08:19

Review of the book “Introverts - how to use your personality traits” or why you shouldn’t watch porn in the workplace

Who are introverts

Conventionally, all people can be divided into two groups, introverts and extroverts. An introvert is a person who is able to interact one-on-one better than in a group. They work better alone and express thoughts better in writing. They like to dive deep into work, do not cope well with the need to multitask, and get very out of rhythm when they are distracted. Introverts really don’t like to discuss things until they are completed, they don’t like direct conflicts, and they don’t like to take a lot of risks. With extroverts, accordingly, everything is exactly the opposite. But we must remember that there are very few pure introverts and extroverts.

Myths

At least the following myths are examined and dispelled in the book:

Physiology

The first chapters of the book discuss the main physiological characteristics of extroverts and introverts. The first key point lies in an area of ​​the brain called the amygdala. It is the brain that receives information from the senses and then transmits information to the nervous system about how to react. Introverts react more strongly than extroverts; such people are collectively termed “highly reactive” or “highly sensitive.” These are the people who grow up to be prudent, cautious, and serious. This is understandable, if you perceive any irritant acutely, you will begin to worry.

Of course, this reason alone does not affect who you become, an introvert or an extrovert; experience that builds character also plays a significant role. In one situation temperament may have more influence, in another environment. As always in psychophysiology, there is always more than one reason.

But not the amygdala alone. There is also a prefrontal cortex, which helps us, among other things, overcome unreasonable fears. However, the prefrontal cortex does not control the amygdala, which is what “quenches signals.” Therefore, in stressful situation a long-forgotten fear of heights or performing may return because the prefrontal cortex is occupied with more important things.

The second key difference between introverts and extroverts is the level of activity in the brain structure, which is often referred to as “ reward system" In introverts it is less active, as a result they are less susceptible to “overexcitement in anticipation of a reward.” Moreover, please note that they are no less sensitive to rewards, they are just better able to control this craving and ask the question “do I really need this carrot?”

QUOTE FROM THE BOOK (about porn... erotica).

Research has found that men who were shown erotic photographs before gambling took more risks than those who were shown neutral images, such as tables and chairs. It turns out that the anticipation of any reward, even one unrelated to the photo in question, activates the dopamine reward system and makes us act more recklessly. (This may be the only compelling argument for banning pornographic images in the workplace.)

A world of extroverts (but not really)

The book goes on to examine the indisputable fact that extraversion is an ideal behavior in American society. And not only in America, it’s still the same here.

QUOTE FROM THE BOOK.

Our society is governed by a value system I call the “Ideal Extrovert,” or the pervasive belief that the ideal self should be outgoing, dominant, and comfortable in the spotlight. An extrovert prefers action to thinking, risk to caution, and confidence to doubt. He is inclined to make quick decisions, despite the high probability of them being wrong., works well in a team and has no problems with socialization. We like to think that we value individuality, when in most cases there is only one personality type that we admire - the person who is used to overcoming difficulties, who works hard to achieve their goals.

Of course, we allow all the gifted eccentrics who create companies in garages to express their personality as they please, but this is rather the exception to the rule - our tolerance usually extends to those of them who manage to get fabulously rich, or at least those who give hope for this.

But society needs both extroverts and introverts. Extroverts often don’t hear what introverts say (and they don’t talk idle), while extroverts push through their idea, even if it’s not good enough. Harvard is an environment for extroverts. From there come people who subsequently occupy high positions and decide our destinies. Susan has an entire chapter dedicated to the 2008 Wall Street crash. In hand aggressive people capable of taking risks turned out to be too great power. The prudent did not decide, but they did not suffer as much.

An interesting point is that in Asia the opposite is true - the ideal is an introverted thinker, activity and the habit of speaking confidently, thoughtlessly, is considered a sign of narrow-mindedness and emptiness.

In general, various tips and tricks are scattered throughout the book, but mixed in a bunch of reasoning and examples. However, some chapters give quite direct, specific advice.

The fifth chapter, for example, has the subtitle “beyond temperament (and the secret of public speaking for introverts).” Although the “secret” itself is discussed somewhere closer to the end of the chapter, and it is not a secret at all... But I will not quote it. Another reason Read the book itself, believe me, it will be interesting;)

The last part of the book (three chapters long) is called “How to love, how to work” and contains answers to questions like “how can an introvert communicate with an extrovert (and vice versa).” If in 14 words, then the introvert will have to go into pseudo-extrovert mode, and the extrovert will have to make sure that what, not how says his interlocutor and take into account that one-on-one negotiations will give great benefit for both of them.

The very last chapter is entirely devoted to the question of “how to raise an introverted child,” and I think any parents will find it useful. Still, how do we work with introverts in schools? Diary entries like “Lena doesn’t communicate much with other students! This is a serious problem!” - a common thing. Parents adhere to the same logic of violence against the child’s psyche, which is fundamentally wrong. But throughout the entire book, a red line runs through the idea that introversion is not a disease, not a deviation or a vice, it is simply a different way of perceiving the world and interacting with it.

Disadvantages of the book

However, before reading this wonderful book, it is worth learning about some of its shortcomings.

Firstly, it is written in a very American style. That is, any thought will be chewed down to a subatomic level, from this you simply begin to get physically tired. There is a feeling that it’s not even 10 * , and all 15%-20% could be thrown away without damage. On the other hand, this is just my opinion.

* This is Stephen King’s advice from the book “How to Write Books”, “finish copy = draft - 10%”. An excellent book, I recommend it as a bonus to those who have read this far.

Secondly, the style is somewhat tongue-tied in places, perhaps this is the fault of the translator. For the most part, though, the book remains quite readable.

Thirdly and most importantly, DC Comics fans are indignant when they look at this quote from the book: “...equal to Batman’s loneliness, last son Krypton..." No, perhaps this was a deliberate mixing of two franchises for fun, but still more like a joint. I do not deny the possible initiative of translators.

Who should read this book

Everyone without exception.

For introverts, it will help you overcome problems of self-identification, draw conclusions, do what you like, change your job or work organization style, and sort out relationships. The book will go as planned practical advice, and in motivational terms, there will be something to think about. In the end, the message that runs throughout the book is that introversion is not a vice or a flaw, so you just need to learn to use your strengths. Even if someone takes away only this idea from the book, it’s a victory.

Extroverts - because, judging by research, introverts make up between a third and half of the population. There are probably introverts among your colleagues, even if some of them behave like pseudo-extroverts. Without the need to play this role, they could work more comfortably, and therefore more efficiently. Would you agree to live in a world without Newton or Einstein, Linus Torvalds or Bill Gates?

So now you simply have no excuses! Moreover, I could not list everything that is in this book in such a short article. Read, reflect and make this world a little better.

P.S. Thank you very much

Susan Kane

Introverts. How to use your personality traits

To all my family members

A nation in which everyone was General Patton would no more succeed than a nation in which everyone was Vincent van Gogh. I prefer to think that our planet needs athletes, philosophers, sex symbols, artists, scientists in equal measure; sympathetic and callous, rational and easily vulnerable people have their own role. The world needs those who will devote their lives to studying the specifics of the salivary glands in dogs, and also those who can capture a short moment of cherry blossom in a poem of fourteen syllables or devote twenty-five pages to describing the feelings of a little boy lying in the silence of the night on his bed in waiting for your mother's kiss before going to bed.

The presence of any pronounced talent indicates that something was sacrificed...

Allan Sean

Formally, I have been working on this book since 2005, but, in fact, my entire life. I spoke and corresponded with hundreds, if not thousands, of people discussing the issues presented in the book, and read countless books, scientific and journal articles, and discussions on forums and blogs. I quote some of the authors verbatim; the thoughts of others permeate every sentence in this book.

The book “stands on the shoulders” of many people, mainly scientists and researchers, whose work taught me a lot. In an ideal world, I would list each and every one of those who helped me and shared knowledge. But, to protect the reader from an endless stream of names, some authors are mentioned only in the “Notes” section.

For the same reason, I sometimes omitted quotation marks when quoting other people, but at the same time I was careful that new words did not distort the meaning intended by the author. If you want to get acquainted with the original of this or that idea, you can find a detailed list in the “Notes” section.

I have changed the names and physical descriptions of several people whose stories I share here, as well as stories from my law practice. In order not to intrude on the privacy of the participants in Charles di Cagno's seminars, who did not at all expect that they would become characters in a book when they signed up for the courses; The history of my first seminar is a composition of general impressions throughout the entire period of training. The same goes for Greg and Emily's story, which is compiled from interviews with many couples. Due to the imperfection of my memory, many stories are given in the form in which I remembered them. It should also be said that I did not check their reliability, placing in the book only those that seemed plausible to me.

Introduction

Poles of temperament(1)

Montgomery, Alabama. First December 1955(2). Early evening. A city bus stops and a modestly dressed woman in her forties gets on. Her posture is upright, despite spending the day hunched over an ironing board in the basement of a local department store laundry. Her legs are swollen, her shoulders ache from fatigue. She sits in the front row of the “colored” section and calmly watches the bus fill with passengers. This continues until the driver asks her to make room for a white passenger.

A woman utters a single word that will give birth to one of the most important civil rights movements of the 20th century - a word that will set America on the path to moral renewal.

This word is no.

The driver threatens to arrest her.

You can do it, says Rosa Parks.

A policeman arrives. He asks Parks why she refused to give up her seat.

Why do you always tell us where it is? - she answers simply.

“I have no idea,” he says, “but the law is the law!” - you are under arrest.

On the day of her trial, she is found guilty of unlawful conduct and convicted. Following the verdict, the NAACP in Montgomery holds a rally in support of Parks at Holt Street Baptist Church, in the city's poorest neighborhood. Five thousand people gathered to show their support for this woman's lonely act of courage. They squeeze into the church until all the pews are occupied. Those who remain have to wait outside and listen to public address systems. Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. addresses the crowd. “There comes a time when people get tired. We are gathered here tonight to tell those who have treated us so poorly for so long that our patience has run out. We are tired of segregation and humiliation, we are tired of the iron fists of the oppressors.”

He praises Parks' courage and hugs her. All this time she stands quietly next to him, and her mere presence is enough to inspire enthusiasm and strength in the crowd. The association launches a citywide bus boycott campaign that lasts 381 days. People walk miles to work or ask strangers for a ride on the roads. By their behavior they are changing the course of American history.

I always imagined Rosa Parks as a statuesque woman with a challenge in her eyes - in a word, the kind of person who could easily be insolent on a bus full of passengers. However, after her death in 2005 at the age of 92, a stream of obituaries described her as a medium-sized woman with a gentle personality and a pleasant personality. She was said to be "modest and shy" but had "the courage of a lion." The descriptions contained many phrases such as “deep humility” and “quiet perseverance.” What does it mean to be quiet and stoic? What does this mean? How can you be humble at the same time? And brave?

Parks, seemingly aware of this paradox, titled her biography Quiet Strength, a title that forces us to reconsider our ideas about strength and resilience. Why is it quiet? can not to be strong? And what can be combined with calmness that we didn’t think of before?

* * *

Our lives are determined as much by character as by race or gender. And the main personality trait - “the southern and northern poles of temperament,” as one scientist puts it - is whether one belongs to an extroverted or introverted type. The degree to which these qualities are expressed affects our behavior, the choice of circle of friends and acquaintances, the manner of conversation, the way we solve problems and show love. The tendency towards extraversion or introversion affects the choice of profession and success in it. It also determines our desire to engage in physical exercise; determines the tendency towards adultery; affects the ability to function normally in conditions of insufficient sleep; forces you to learn from your mistakes or strive for risky play on the stock market, and also affects the ability to abstain from pleasure; be a good leader and look for alternative paths. All these qualities are determined by the functioning mechanism of the nervous system and its individual characteristics. Today, introversion and extraversion are among the most deeply researched personality traits, but the interest of scientists and psychologists in this topic is still very high. In recent years, with the help of modern technology, researchers have made many amazing discoveries.

Interest in the question of temperament has very deep roots. Poets and philosophers have pondered human character since the beginning of time - this can be judged from historical documents. Descriptions of both personality types are found in the Bible (9) and in the works of doctors of Ancient Greece and Rome. Some evolutionary psychologists argue (10) that examples of extroverted and introverted behavior of individuals can be found in the animal kingdom: introverts and extroverts are found both among fruit flies and among highly developed rhesus macaques. As with other important pairs of opposites - male and female, East and West, liberal and conservative - humanity would be much less diverse without the two personality types.

Consider, for example, the tandem of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. An influential speaker who refuses to give up his seat on a bus would not have the same effect as a quiet woman who prefers to behave modestly unless an emergency prevents her from doing so. Parks wouldn't have been able to get the crowd going if she'd stepped up to the podium and declared that she had a dream. But thanks to King, she didn't have to do that.

And yet, a very narrow range of manifestation of personal qualities is considered socially approved. We are told that to be successful is to be brave, and to be happy is to get along with people easily. We see ourselves as a nation of extroverts and therefore lose sight of who we really are. The results of various studies, depending on which one you look at, show that between a third and half of Americans are introverts, in other words, one of two or three people you know(eleven). (Given that the United States is considered one of the most extroverted(12) nations, the number of introverts should be at least as high in other parts of the world.) Even if you yourself are not an introvert, your spouse, colleague, friend or relative may well be.