Statuses about the bitterness and pain of losing a loved one. Psychological help. How to cope with the death of a loved one

At the very beginning I would like to say that in our modern society a healthy and adequate attitude towards human death has not been developed. Perhaps they talk about her if she died old man. There is death that happens to middle-aged people, they talk about it less often and more quietly. And, of course, when grief overtakes a small child, they are often silent about it. What is this connected with?

First, every person has a fear regarding his own death. This phenomenon is uncontrollable, causing a lot of feelings, anxiety and worries. Therefore, sometimes it is easier for a person to close himself off from the topic of death than to think or talk about it. Magical thinking can work here: if I don’t come into contact with this, it won’t happen to me or my loved ones.

Secondly, in our culture there is no specific mechanism for how to behave if someone close to us dies. There are funerals, wakes, memorial days. People cry, eat and drink on them. And often we are faced with a problem when we don’t know what to say or how to behave in the event of a tragedy among our friends. The usual phrase is: “Please accept our condolences.”

Thirdly, those in whose family grief has occurred do not always understand how to behave with people. Should I talk about my troubles, and who should I tell? People can choose two courses of action. One of them is to close yourself off, withdraw into yourself, and experience grief alone. The second is to ignore feelings and transfer everything to the level of intellect: here there may be explanations that the deceased is now in the next world, that he feels good, that everything happened for a reason.

Sometimes it happens that a person does not can survive grief and gets stuck in German These are called "complicated loss symptoms" and they come in several forms:

1. Chronic grief. A person cannot accept that a loved one is no longer there. Even years later, the reaction to memories can be very acute. Let’s say a woman cannot get married again if she lost her husband even more than a few years ago; his photos are everywhere. The man doesn't go out real life, lives on memories.
2. Exaggerated grief. In this situation, a person can increase the feeling of guilt, exaggerate it. This can happen when losing a child: a woman strongly blames herself and, accordingly, becomes emotionally strongly attached to death.
3. Masked or suppressed grief. A person does not show his experiences, he does not feel them. Usually such suppression results in psychosomatic diseases, including headaches.
4. Unexpected grief. As they say, when nothing foreshadowed trouble. Suddenness of death loved one provokes the impossibility of acceptance, aggravates self-recrimination, aggravates depression.
5. Postponed grief. It is as if the person is postponing going through the stages of loss for a while, turning off or blocking his feelings. This does not mean that he coped with the situation.
6. Absent grief. The person denies the loss and is in a state of shock.

In fact, psychologists have long described healthy stages of coping with loss or acute grief. Each person has their own duration and intensity. Someone may get stuck at one of the stages or go in circles. But in any case, knowing the stages of grief can help you truly grieve for a person you will never see again. There are two classifications in describing what happens to a person who has experienced loss. I suggest considering both.

First classification

1. Denial. It is difficult for a person to believe what happened. It's like he's in denial about what happened. Usually the stage is accompanied by the following phrases: “This can’t be”, “I don’t believe it”, “He’s still breathing.” A person may try to feel the pulse himself; it seems to him that doctors may be mistaken. And even if he has already seen the deceased, there may be a feeling inside as if death had not happened.

What to do: I used to be good tradition, when the deceased person was at home for 3 days, this helped to understand what had happened. Now those who say goodbye come up to the coffin and kiss the deceased on the forehead - this is a very important action. This is how a person feels that a truly loved one has died. You can put your hand on your forehead, on your body, feel and feel the cold. If you have not seen the body of the deceased, have not seen the funeral, then the denial stage may be delayed. You will understand that the person has died, but at the level of feelings there is a feeling that he is alive. Therefore, it is more difficult to accept death when a loved one is missing or there was no funeral.

2. Anger. A person becomes aggressive. And here everything depends on the causes of death. He can blame doctors, God, fate, circumstances. And also myself, that, let’s say, I did something wrong. He may blame the deceased himself for not being careful or not taking care of his health. Anger can be directed at other relatives. Here you can find the following phrases: “I can’t accept this!”, “It’s unfair!”

What to do: It is important to understand that anger is a normal reaction. The basic emotion that is associated with loss. It's important to react. Be angry, discuss your anger, write it on paper. Share feelings and actions. Yes, you have the right to be angry, it’s very painful right now, the process of experiencing loss goes through its natural stages. All people go through them.

3. Bidding. At this stage, it seems to the person that he could change something in the current situation. It looks something like this: “If I had spent more time with my mother, she could have lived longer.” In the case of the loss of a loved one, a person retreats into his fantasies and tries, as it were, to come to an agreement with God or fate.

What to do: let your mind play out these scenarios for a bit. It is still very difficult for our psyche to accept changes, it is difficult to realize that a loved one will never be around again. The main thing is to stop in time and not join a sect. Remember the cases of fraud with the resurrection of soldiers?

4. Depression. Usually here a person feels unhappy and says: “Everything is pointless.” Depression can come in different forms. It is very important to treat yourself with care and seek help in a timely manner. People complain of bad mood, depression, lack of energy. Because change is inevitable. We will have to build our lives in a new way. The man realized what had happened, got angry, and tried to bargain. Now he understands that nothing really can be changed.

What to do: neither in under no circumstances should you be left alone, be sure to invite friends, relatives, ask them to take care of them, let them stay in yourself, cry a lot, worry. This is fine. Timing is really important now.

5. Acceptance. When a person has actually gone through all the previous stages, there is now a chance that he will accept death. He will come to terms with what happened, agree and begin to build his life in a new way. Of course, he will remember his loved one, cry, be sad, miss, but with less intensity.

What to do: be grateful to yourself for finding the strength to honestly experience grief. Death is an inevitability that we face sooner or later. Yes, we will miss a loved one, but now we look at the situation with adult eyes. It is important to note that the first 4 stages do not guarantee a transition to acceptance and integration of experience. A person can walk in circles or return to one or another stage. Only the stage of acceptance indicates that grief has been experienced.

Second classification

Surely you know that usually a person is buried on the third day after death. Then they gather on the 9th, 40th day, six months and a year. Such dates were not chosen by chance; it is precisely such a time frame that allows us to gradually come to accept the situation.

9 days. Usually a person has not yet can realize up to the end of what happened. There are, most often, two tactics here. Or care in yourself, or excessive activity in funeral preparations. The most important thing in this period is really to say goodbye to deceased. Cry, sob, talk to other people.

40 days. At this stage, the grieving person still cannot accept what happened, cries, and dreams of the deceased.

Six months. The process of acceptance gradually occurs. Grief seems to “roll up”, and this is normal.

Year. There is a gradual acceptance of the situation.

How to help yourself cope with the loss of a loved one

1. Cry. It doesn't matter if you are a woman or a man. It is very important to have a good cry and do it regularly as long as you need it. So that feelings find a way out. If you don’t want to cry, you can watch a sad movie or listen to sad music.
2. Talk to someone. Discuss your grief as much as necessary. Even if you tell the same thing to the tenth person you know, it doesn’t matter, this is how you process the situation.
3. Get busy with your life. It is very important to give yourself the opportunity to grieve, but do not disconnect from life - very gradually, day by day. Clean the table, make soup, go out for a walk, pay the bills. It grounds you and helps you stay grounded.
4. Follow the regime. When you have regular activities, it also helps your psyche to be calmer.
5. Write letters to the deceased. If you have guilt or other strong feelings towards the deceased, write him a letter. You can put it in the mailbox without an address, take it to the grave, or burn it, as you prefer. You can read it to someone. It is important to remember that the person died, and you remained, to take care of your feelings.
6. Contact a specialist. Of course, there are situations when it is difficult to overcome the situation on your own or even with the help of loved ones, and a specialist will help you. Don't be afraid to see a psychologist.
7. Take care of yourself. Life goes on. Don't deny yourself simple joys.
8. Set goals. It is important for you to understand the connection with the future, so start planning. Set your immediate goals and start implementing them.

What to tell the children?

It is very important not to lie to your child. The child has the right to know about the death of a loved one. Psychologists here disagree on whether to take a child to a funeral. Some children may perceive the process of burying in the ground negatively. Therefore, it is important to have an emotionally stable person next to children. If a child's mother or father dies, there must be a farewell procedure.

It is important not to tell your child about the mother who looks from the clouds. This can add anxiety to what is happening. Help your child cry out the pain and get through the situation. Each specific case is unique, so it is better to contact a child psychologist who will help in dealing with the trauma.

Only in in the rarest cases a person is prepared in advance for the death of a loved one. Much more often, grief overtakes us unexpectedly. What to do? How to react? The story is told by Mikhail Khasminsky, head of the Orthodox Center for Crisis Psychology at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya (Moscow).

What do we go through when experiencing grief?

When a loved one dies, we feel that the connection with him is broken - and this gives us extreme pain. It’s not the head that hurts, it’s not the arm that hurts, it’s not the liver that hurts, it’s the soul that hurts. And it is impossible to do anything to make this pain stop once and for all.

Often a grieving person comes to me for a consultation and says: “Two weeks have already passed, but I just can’t come to my senses.” But is it possible to come to your senses in two weeks? After all, after a major operation we don’t say: “Doctor, I’ve been lying there for ten minutes, and nothing has healed yet.” We understand: three days will pass, the doctor will take a look, then remove the stitches, the wound will begin to heal; But complications may arise, and some stages will have to be completed again. All this may take several months. And here we are not talking about physical trauma - but about mental trauma; in order to heal it, it usually takes about a year or two. And in this process there are several successive stages, which are impossible to jump over.

What are these stages? The first is shock and denial, then anger and resentment, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance (although it is important to understand that any designation of stages is conditional, and that these stages do not have clear boundaries). Some go through them harmoniously and without delay. Most often, these are people of strong faith who have clear answers to the questions of what death is and what will happen after it. Faith helps you go through these stages correctly, experience them one after another - and ultimately enter the stage of acceptance.

But when there is no faith, the death of a loved one can become an unhealed wound. For example, a person can deny a loss for six months, saying: “No, I don’t believe it, this couldn’t happen.” Or “get stuck” in anger, which can be directed at doctors who “didn’t save”, at relatives, at God. Anger can also be directed at oneself and produce a feeling of guilt: I didn’t love him, I didn’t say enough, I didn’t stop him in time - I’m a scoundrel, I’m guilty of his death. Many people suffer from this feeling for a long time.

However, as a rule, a few questions are enough for a person to deal with his feelings of guilt. “Did you really want this man to die?” - “No, I didn’t want to.” - “What then are you guilty of?” - “I sent him to the store, and if he had not gone there, he would not have been hit by a car.” - “Okay, but if an angel appeared to you and said: if you send him to the store, this person will die, how would you behave then?” - “Of course, I wouldn’t send him anywhere then.” - “What is your fault? Is it that you didn't know the future? Is it that an angel did not appear to you? But what does this have to do with you?

For some people, a strong feeling of guilt may arise simply because the passage of the mentioned stages is delayed for them. Friends and colleagues do not understand why he has been gloomy and taciturn for so long. This makes him feel uncomfortable, but he can’t help himself.

For some, on the contrary, these stages can literally “fly by”, but after a while the trauma that they have not lived through emerges, and then, perhaps, even experiencing the death of a pet will be difficult for such a person.

No grief is complete without pain. But it’s one thing when you believe in God, and quite another when you don’t believe in anything: here one trauma can be superimposed on another - and so on ad infinitum.

Therefore, my advice to people who prefer to live for today and put off the main life issues for tomorrow: do not wait for them to fall on you out of the blue. Deal with them (and yourself) here and now, look for God - this search will help you at the time of parting with a loved one.

And one more thing: if you feel that you cannot cope with the loss on your own, if there has been no dynamics in experiencing grief for a year and a half or two, if there is a feeling of guilt, or chronic depression, or aggression, be sure to consult a specialist - a psychologist, a psychotherapist.

Not thinking about death is the path to neurosis

Recently I analyzed how many paintings by famous artists are devoted to the theme of death. Previously, artists took on the depiction of grief and sorrow precisely because death was inscribed in the cultural context. There is no place for death in modern culture. They don’t talk about it because “it’s traumatic.” In reality, it is just the opposite that is traumatic: the absence of this topic in our field of vision.

If in a conversation a person mentions that someone has died, then they answer him: “Oh, sorry. You probably don’t want to talk about it.” Or maybe it’s just the opposite that you want! I want to remember the deceased, I want sympathy! But at this moment they distance themselves from him, try to change the subject, fearing to upset him or offend him. A young woman’s husband died, and her relatives say: “Well, don’t worry, you’re beautiful, you’ll get married.” Or they run away like from the plague. Why? Because they themselves are afraid to think about death. Because they don't know what to say. Because there are no condolences skills.

That's what the main problem: modern man afraid to think and talk about death. He does not have this experience, it was not passed on to him by his parents, and even more so by their parents and grandmothers, who lived during the years of state atheism. That’s why today many people cannot cope with the experience of loss on their own and need professional help. For example, it happens that a person sits right on his mother’s grave or even spends the night there. What causes this frustration? From not understanding what happened and what to do next. And on top of this all sorts of superstitions are layered, and acute, sometimes suicidal problems arise. In addition, children who are experiencing grief are often nearby, and adults with their inappropriate behavior may cause them irreparable mental trauma.

But condolences are a “shared illness.” Why bother with someone else’s pain if your goal is to make you feel good here and now? Why think about your own death? Isn’t it better to drive away these thoughts with worries, buy yourself something, eat deliciously, drink well? The fear of what will happen after death and the reluctance to think about it turns on a very childish defensive reaction in us: everyone will die, but I won’t.

Meanwhile, birth, life, and death are links in one chain. And it’s stupid to ignore it. If only because this is a direct path to neurosis. After all, when we are faced with the death of a loved one, we cannot cope with this loss. Only by changing your attitude towards life can you correct a lot inside. Then it will be much easier to survive the grief.

Erase superstitions from your mind

I know that Thomas receives hundreds of questions about superstitions. “We wiped the monument in the cemetery with children’s clothes, what will happen now?” “Can I pick up something if I dropped it in a cemetery?” “I dropped a handkerchief into the coffin, what should I do?” “A ring fell at a funeral, what is this sign for?” “Is it possible to hang photos of deceased parents on the wall?”

The hanging of mirrors begins - after all, this is supposedly a gateway to another world. Someone is convinced that a son cannot carry his mother’s coffin, otherwise the deceased will feel bad. What an absurdity, who else but his own son should bear this coffin?! Of course, the system of the world, where a glove accidentally dropped in a cemetery represents a certain sign, has nothing to do with Orthodoxy or faith in Christ.

I think this is also due to a reluctance to look inside oneself and answer really important existential questions.

Not all people in the temple are experts on matters of life and death

For many, the loss of a loved one becomes the first step on the path to God. What to do? Where to run? For many, the answer is obvious: to the temple. But it is important to remember that even in a state of shock, you must be aware of why exactly and to whom (or Whom) you came there. First of all, of course, to God. But for a person who comes to the temple for the first time, who perhaps does not know where to start, it is especially important to meet a guide there who will help him understand many of the issues that haunt him.

This guide, of course, should be a priest. But he doesn’t always have time; he often has his whole day scheduled literally minute by minute: services, travel and much more. And some priests entrust communication with newcomers to volunteers, catechists, and psychologists. Sometimes these functions are partially performed even by candle makers. But we must understand that in church you can stumble upon the most different people.

It’s as if a person came to the clinic, and the cloakroom attendant said to him: “What’s wrong with you?” - “Yes, back.” - “Well, let me tell you how to treat yourself. And I’ll give you literature to read.”

It's the same in the temple. And it is very sad when a person who is already wounded by the loss of his loved one receives additional trauma there. After all, to be honest, not every priest will be able to properly build communication with a person in grief - he is not a psychologist. And not every psychologist can cope with this task; they, like doctors, have a specialization. For example, under no circumstances will I undertake to give advice in the field of psychiatry or work with alcohol addicts.

What can we say about those who give out incomprehensible advice and breed superstitions! Often these are people close to the church who do not go to church, but come in: light candles, write notes, bless Easter cakes - and everyone they know turns to them as experts who know everything about life and death.

But you need to speak a special language with people experiencing grief. Communication with grieving, traumatized people must be learned, and this matter must be approached seriously and responsibly. In my opinion, this should be a whole serious area in the Church, no less important than helping the homeless, prison or any other social ministry.

What you should never do is draw any cause-and-effect relationships. No: “God took the child because of your sins”! How do you know what only God knows? With such words a grieving person can be very, very traumatized.

And under no circumstances should you extrapolate your personal experience experiencing death on other people is also a big mistake.

So, if you are faced with a severe shock and come to the temple, be very careful in choosing the people to whom you turn with difficult questions. And you shouldn’t think that everyone in the church owes you something - people often come to me for consultations, offended by the lack of attention to them in the church, but who have forgotten that they are not the center of the universe and those around them are not obliged to fulfill all their desires.

But church employees and parishioners, if they are asked for help, should not pretend to be an expert. If you want to truly help a person, quietly take his hand, pour him some hot tea and just listen to him. What he needs from you is not words, but complicity, empathy, condolences - something that will help him cope with his tragedy step by step.

If a mentor dies...

People often get lost when they lose a person who was a teacher or mentor in their life. For some it is a mother or grandmother, for others it is a completely outsider, without whose wise advice and active help it is difficult to imagine their life.

When such a person dies, many find themselves at a dead end: how to live on? At the stage of shock, such a question is quite natural. But if his decision drags on for several years, it seems to me simply selfish: “I needed this person, he helped me, now he has died, and I don’t know how to live.”

Or maybe now you need to help this person? Maybe now your soul should work in prayer for the deceased, and your life should become embodied gratitude for his upbringing and wise advice?

If an adult has lost an important person who gave him his warmth, his participation, then it is worth remembering this and understanding that now you, like a charged battery, can distribute this warmth to others. After all, the more you give away, the more creation you bring into this world, the greater the merit of that deceased person.

If they shared wisdom and warmth with you, why cry that now there is no one else to do it? Start sharing yourself - and you will receive this warmth from other people. And don’t constantly think about yourself, because selfishness is the most big enemy experiencing grief.

If the deceased was an atheist

In fact, everyone believes in something. And if you believe in eternal life, then you understand that the person who declared himself an atheist is now, after death, the same as you. Unfortunately, he realized this too late, and your task now is to help him with your prayer.

If you were close to him, then to some extent you are a continuation of this person. And now a lot depends on you.

Children and grief

This is a separate, very large and important topic, my article is dedicated to her “ Age characteristics experiences of grief." Until the age of three, a child does not understand what death is at all. And only at the age of ten the perception of death begins to form, like that of an adult. This must be taken into account. By the way, Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh spoke a lot about this (personally, I believe that he was a great crisis psychologist and counselor).

Many parents are concerned about the question: should children attend a funeral? You look at Konstantin Makovsky’s painting “The Funeral of a Child” and think: how many children! Lord, why are they standing there, why are they looking at this? Why shouldn’t they stand there if adults explained to them that there is no need to be afraid of death, that it is part of life? Previously, children were not shouted: “Oh, go away, don’t look!” After all, the child feels: if he is removed like this, it means something terrible is happening. And then even the death of a pet turtle can turn out to be bad for him mental illness.

And in those days there was nowhere to hide children: if someone died in the village, everyone went to say goodbye to him. This is natural when children attend a funeral service, mourn, learn to react to death, learn to do something constructive for the sake of the deceased: they pray, help at the wake. And parents often themselves traumatize the child by trying to hide him from negative emotions. Some begin to deceive: “Dad went on a business trip,” and over time the child begins to take offense - first at dad for not returning, and then at mom, because he feels that she is not telling her something. And when the truth is revealed later... I have seen families where the child simply cannot communicate with his mother because of such deception.

One story struck me: a girl’s father died, and her teacher - a good teacher, an Orthodox person - told the children not to come near her, because she was already feeling bad. But this means traumatizing the child again! It's scary when even people with teacher education, believers do not understand child psychology.

Children are no worse than adults, they inner world no less profound. Of course, in conversations with them, one must take into account the age-related aspects of the perception of death, but there is no need to hide them from sorrows, from difficulties, from trials. They need to be prepared for life. Otherwise, they will become adults and never learn to cope with losses.

What does it mean to “experience grief”

To fully experience grief means turning black grief into a bright memory. After the operation, a suture remains. But if it is done well and carefully, it no longer hurts, does not interfere, does not pull. So it is here: the scar will remain, we will never be able to forget about the loss - but we will no longer experience it with pain, but with a feeling of gratitude to God and to the deceased person for being in our lives, and with the hope of meeting in the life of the next century.

The death of a loved one is an irreparable loss. How to help another person get through this difficult period of life? And how to survive the death of a loved one yourself, when it seems that life has stopped, and happiness without him is simply impossible?

Nobody wants to touch the topic of death - it itself touches us! It happens suddenly and overwhelmingly. Then her blow is even stronger, and the shock from the shock she has experienced leaves scars not only in the soul, but also on the body. How to survive the death of a loved one and not go crazy with grief? How to help someone who is experiencing the pain of loss? The answer is given by System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan, which shows that our entire psyche, like a thin lace, is woven from two forces - the force of life and the force of death.

The death of a loved one is an irreparable loss

Why such unbearable pain? Empty inside and empty outside. You just don't understand how to live on. The death of a loved one seems to throw you into another reality: into a meaningless and empty world in which there is no person dear to your heart.

When a person is suddenly overwhelmed by the departure of a loved one, he forgets about everything. At this moment, the brain seems to turn off, and he walks like a somnambulist, bumping not only into the things of a loved one, but also into memories of him.

And the memories are overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, and the pain from the loss of a loved one arises in the heart again and again. And now the tears are choking, there is a lump in my throat, there are no words, my legs are simply giving way. How to cope with the loss of a loved one?

And if someone from your circle experiences a loss, you also feel bitter and hurt, but for him. I want to help, but I don’t know how to find words of consolation.

You see how his whole being resists the news of his loss. You seem to hear him mentally screaming: “I don’t believe it! This can't be true! It's unfair that such good man passed away! And then loneliness, melancholy, and uncontrollable grief suck him into their quagmire. I want to reach him, get him out of there. But how?

How to help another person get through this difficult period of life? And how can you survive the death of a loved one yourself, when it seems that life has stopped and happiness without him is simply impossible? Let's find out in this article.

Psychological aspects of the experience of death

Most people have a hard time dealing with death. Everyone reacts to death differently. Everything is determined by the unconscious characteristics of our psyche. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan classifies all these properties and unconscious desires, calling them vectors. And since people are not the same, recommendations on how to survive the death of a loved one also depend on the person’s psychology.

A person lives among other people. And we all have an innate set of vectors for fulfilling our role in society. Someone is given an excellent memory, another is given increased emotionality, a third is given a brilliant mind, etc. The mixing of different vectors creates a unique pattern of the psyche.

That is why Each person experiences loss differently. Some start, others uncontrollably, others fall into, and some confidently take on all the hassle of organizing.

As the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan says, a person is always a desire to survive and continue himself in time. In a state of overstress - and death, of course, is such a state - unconscious adaptation programs come into play.

These are unconscious reactions, and the person simply does not understand what is happening to him. Why is he drawn into the abyss of fear, why does he fall into a stupor or, conversely, begin to flicker?

What does this depend on? From those innate properties that nature has endowed us with. And they are all different for everyone. It will be easier to survive the loss of a loved one, to cope with melancholy and hopelessness when you realize what is happening to the psyche.

When a person feels guilty

There are special people among us for whom family, children, friends, gratitude, and justice are the most valuable things. All life events pass through this most important filter of perception for them. It is easy for such a person to plunge into a feeling of guilt, experiencing pain because he did not thank the deceased during his lifetime. Owners of these properties experience special, unbearable pain from the death of a beloved child - it is felt as a loss of the meaning of life.

Such a person also tends to immerse himself in memories, especially if they are pleasant memories. In this state, a person loses his point of support. He needs to be helped to regain balance. Death is a huge shock for him; he unconsciously tries to return to the past, when everything was good. In this state, he begins to live with memories.

The mere news of the death of a loved one makes such a person’s legs give way, his heart begins to pound, and he begins to feel short of breath. He may even become ill with his heart. It is especially difficult for the owner of the anal vector to survive the death of his mother. To adapt to the loss of a loved one and return to life again, the bearer of these properties always needs more time than others.

Who falls into hysterics from the loss of a loved one

Overcoming a sudden loss is especially difficult for people with a visual vector. Because at the heart of their psyche lies a root fear - the fear of death. It is they who, from the pain of loss, very often begin to cry, plunge into self-pity or fall into hysterics, that is, become isolated in the lower states of the visual vector. A sudden break in the emotional connection with the deceased is a huge stress for such people; they do not control themselves, do not understand how to survive this death and get out of difficult conditions.

As they go downward, they are drawn more and more into the vortex of fear of death. You can get out of such complex states only by understanding the entire mechanism and amplitude of visual states, to which Yuri Burlan devotes more than 20 hours to training.

It is people with a visual vector who risk plunging into a state of self-pity, which is actually very destructive, because it closes the sufferer on himself and once again on his unhappy self. And the visual vector belongs to the four extroverted vectors, for which isolation is unnatural and harmful.

This is one of the biggest mistakes that subsequently leads to health problems for the one experiencing loss. He begins to develop psychosomatic illnesses.

So how can you not lose your mind from grief, and also help others survive these states and not fall into unbridled self-pity and endless melancholy?

Tears help you cope with the death of a loved one

But tears are different. In a state of loss, when an unbearable tragedy clouds the mind, we begin to cry out of fear for ourselves. A whole circle of thoughts rushes through my head: how will I live without my loved one, loved one?

We often cry out of self-pity. But tears can bring relief if you are able to redirect the vector of attention from yourself to others, to those who are also feeling bad right now. Visual people have a unique talent for empathy and compassion: the desire to support and reassure another will bring you great relief in how to cope with the loss of a loved one.

Of course, the loss of a loved one is a very difficult condition. It's important to understand everything psychological characteristics these states, then you will be able not only to cope with the pain yourself, but also to help other people who have experienced loss.

When the death of a loved one is the greatest tragedy

But a person with an anal-visual combination of vectors experiences the loss especially strongly. For the anal vector the most great value– this is a family, mother, children. For the visual, these are emotional connections with other people.

When a person has such a connection, for him the loss is a huge blow to his supervalues, it is a severance of an emotional connection that can never be restored.

Here memories of the past and lost emotional connections are woven into a tight knot. He is simply drawn into a whirlpool of memories, where he remembers all the good things, and some grievances and disappointments. All this at the same time has a very bright emotional coloring, and he gets worse and worse, up to panic attacks and the inability to move his legs.

Naturally, colleagues, relatives and friends will learn about the loss. They, of course, always offer help and support. But a person immersed in grief often unconsciously pushes away the helping hand. Surely you have encountered such situations. It is important to understand here that a person still needs help. How can I help him?

A person in grief - a special approach is needed

You need to skillfully support your loved ones. System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan gives such advice.

Be sure to support the person sincerely and with all your heart, but don’t fall into lamentations like “how are you going to live now?”

Moreover, if you hear such notes, you need to be very attentive, make mental efforts and try to bring his melancholy into bright memories.

Do not allow impressionable and emotional owners of the visual vector to paint terrible pictures in their imagination.

Of course, in the first days he will be immersed in his grief, but subsequently he must be brought out into society. Help him see that someone else has it harder than him.

Those who love to live in memories can express their feelings through memoirs written for posterity about such a wonderful person.

So death is always a reason to remember the good things that were associated with this person. Remember what the deceased did in his life, remember the joyful, happy moments and understand that the person close to you left his unique mark on this world.

It is possible to survive the death of a loved one

First of all, if one of your loved ones is suffering from loss, when talking to them, tell them that life goes on and the best way to get through difficult times is in society.

After all, the loss of loved ones is a natural and logical stage of life. Life goes on! And only we choose what energy to fill life with: the energy of joy, light that will remain after us, or melancholy and grief, when everyone around you will shy away from you and try to avoid you.

This is what the training participants say who got rid of pain, and the departure of a loved one became for them a page of bright sadness instead of a terrible and unbearable heartache.

The death of a loved one - a tragedy or a new chord in life?

Man does everything to continue himself in time. And naturally, each of your loved ones leaves their mark. Some in their children, others in science or art, and some generally leave a deep mark on the soul of all humanity.

The tragedy of the death of a loved one is not the final chord of your life, but an opportunity to think about how your life resonates in the present. Are there any false notes in it, are you doing everything to leave your unique mark on the earth.

Life after death

Life is a cycle of energy, which, as we know, does not disappear without a trace. So in reality there is no death. The universe is structured according to the holographic principle. Even a piece of a small leaf leaves a holographic trace of the whole leaf.

So we don’t disappear into nowhere - we leave our mark: both material and spiritual.

People are actually much stronger than we think. It is much easier for a person to survive the shock of death when he has something to live for. When there is something that depends only on him, on his efforts and that is much greater than himself. And these are not always children or other relatives; sometimes a person is forced to live by an idea, the embodiment of which is the meaning of his life.

We can get rid of the pain of loss, and most importantly, survive it without loss of health, when we become aware of the unconscious mechanisms that control our lives. You can start getting acquainted with these powerful forces and restore their natural balance at the free online training System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Sign up now.

Spare yourself the suffering and heartache.

The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»

“The rescue of drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves”

(From the novel by I. Ilf and E. Petrov “The Twelve Chairs”)

A loved one died. The funeral and wake passed... And now the relatives and friends who supported and helped all this time are gradually returning to ordinary life, to your business. Their attention and care towards you is becoming less and less...

And you? You still bear the weight of the loss, grieve, and do not understand how they can continue to live when such a misfortune has happened. You miss a loved one who has left you, and it seems that this terrible grief will never end, and the lack of attention and care aggravates your worries.

If you have already started asking yourself these questions, then you understand that you need to change something in your attitude towards life with loss, that it is necessary to adapt to a new social and emotional situation of life loss.

And now the epigraph to this article becomes relevant for you. In this context, this phrase does not mean that you should “pull yourself out of the water” - forget the deceased, pretend that nothing happened. On the contrary, you must “learn to swim” and be able to take “water precautions”, i.e. do everything to live through your grief situation with the least physical and emotional disturbances.

There are no universal recipes for this; everyone has their own unique grief and their own unique situation in the family and in society.

Nevertheless, I will try to give some advice that, I hope, will help at some moments of this difficult period of life.

Try to realize in what aspects of life you have become most vulnerable- Is it a domestic sphere, emotional, perhaps professional? Once you understand where the “biggest hole is,” it will be easier to repair it. And How Small child gradually learns to walk, try to gradually learn on your own to receive what you previously received with the help of the deceased.

These can be purely everyday skills. For example, a woman who lost her husband, who did everything around the house, can learn to do something herself, or she can find a household service that will help maintain comfort at home at the usual level. A man who has lost his wife can study the instructions for household appliances (washing machine, modern smart stove, microwave oven) and ensure his previous standard of living. Someone will have to learn how to cook food. For some, learning to make decisions. This is especially difficult if the deceased previously decided almost everything for you. Remember that you should not strive to make a decision instantly. Do not hesitate to consult with people authoritative in this matter; you may need the help of a specialist in a particular area. In the first time after the death of a loved one, try to generally postpone solving global issues (buying/selling real estate, moving, etc.) for some time.

It’s more difficult with emotional gaps. The emotional sphere is the first thing that needs regulation.

Don’t listen to those who advise to “strengthen, hold on, take courage...”. Don't save up your tears. If you want to cry, cry, if you feel sad, be sad. And don’t feel guilty about it in front of your surroundings. Tears are a normal physiological response to pain, in in this case for mental pain. Tears are an emotional release. After crying, a person may feel exhausted, overwhelmed and empty, but he feels better. Remember that you have the right to express your feelings. And you don’t need to make excuses to others. Only to small children should you explain that your emotions are caused not by their behavior, but by grief for the deceased. Adults, as a rule, already understand this. If you hold back your tears, your child may try to copy your behavior without understanding the reasons for it, and will subsequently hold back any of his emotions. Just like yourself, allow the child to cry for the deceased if he wants to. Comfort him, talk to him, help him live through these emotions.

Think about who you can talk to about the person who left you.. If there is no such person in your environment, use modern opportunities for psychological support - the website memoriam.ru, helplines, psychological help services. The main thing is to talk. About loss, about loneliness, about feelings, about fears... Don’t be shy to show up weak person, grief turns everyone into little helpless children for a while. Talk about the deceased with God. Funeral prayer is your real help to the soul of the departed.

But do not try to talk to the deceased, he is no longer physically nearby . Do not turn to the occult, do not listen to everyone who tries to tell you about superstitions, omens, and so on. If you are a believer, you already know what happened. If you do not believe in God, then death for you is the end of your physical existence, then there is especially no point in performing superstitious rituals.

Helps many people soften intense emotions keeping a diary. Write about your thoughts, feelings, your pain of loss. Make it a rule to re-read what you have written after a while, and then try to analyze what has changed during this period of time? Which feelings have become more acute, which, on the contrary, have gone away? What have you learned? Such self-analysis will reveal to you your weaknesses and strengths. In the future, rely on what you are strong in, look for sources of support in those aspects where you are not confident in yourself.

Another way - write a letter to the deceased. Even if the death was not sudden, there is always a lot left unspoken and unspoken. Write. This is necessary for you, not for him. If you haven't said something important, you have the opportunity to say it now. Use it. Don’t be afraid to appear ridiculous because there is nowhere to send the letter; you can simply burn it. It is important that the letter will help you free yourself from the burden of misunderstandings that you carry by entrusting it to paper.

If you don’t like to write, but emotions and memories overwhelm you, try this method. Place it next to it two cans. Prepare a number of small multi-colored balls and small pieces of paper. When you remember good things about the deceased, place one ball in the jar. This will be your memory bank. If you remember some sad incident, an insult, a quarrel, write on a piece of paper what you remembered, literally one or two words, roll the piece of paper into a ball and put it in another jar. This will be a jar of your grievances. How long you will do this is up to you. When you realize that most of the warm and kind memories are already “lying” in the memory bank, close it and put it where you see fit. All the bright memories are now before your eyes. Look how many there are. When no new grievances are remembered, choose a day (perhaps it will be some date associated with the deceased) and burn paper balls - your grievances.

Deserves special consideration guilt before the deceased. Do not allow yourself to cultivate this feeling, it is destructive.

Another strong feeling that can accompany loss is fear. At night or during the day, alone or in a crowd, fear comes unexpectedly and literally paralyzes you. What to do in such a situation?

It is important to understand that your fear is not the fear of an adult in a real dangerous situation, but rather a “childish” reaction to the unknown that surrounds you after the death of a loved one.

I suggest a small exercise to regain your “adult” state, stay “here and now”, in reality.

When you feel fear, first look around, if there is actually no immediate threat to your life and health, highlight 5 colors of objects that surround you. What color is the ceiling? Floor? Armchair? Curtains? Your clothes? (Look at any objects, but you should not just “recognize” the color by smearing it with your eyes, but identify it, perhaps name it out loud). If fear creeps up at night, do not imagine that the ceiling is white (this is not your feeling of “here and now”, this is knowledge), at night it looks gray, like all other things, so either turn on the light, or distinguish the intensity of shades of gray in those around you things.

Now the sounds. 5 sounds - a clock, a bird, a car outside the window, a TV.... anything, but there should also be 5 sounds. In the silence of the night, this could be the sound of your breathing, the beating of your heart, the rustling of a blanket, the wind in the leaves outside the window, the sound of water in the pipes... Listen carefully, each sound also needs to be distinguished and named.

Then listen to the sensation of your own body. Your hands - where are they, warm or cold, dry or wet with sweat? Legs are the same. Back of the head and neck area. Back. Abdomen and groin area. Feel all these parts of your body. Carefully, slowly. Then look around again.

For people who are visually impaired or hard of hearing, the distinction of color or sound can be replaced by tactile sensations of objects. Touch what is next to you. Identify 5 different sensations - the wool of a carpet, the cool wood of furniture, the soft upholstery of a chair, paper wallpaper... Try to distinguish the subtle odors emitted by these objects.

Usually this exercise returns a sense of reality in case of irrational fears.

Be natural in grief. Don't let others force you into certain behavior patterns. At the same time, do not refuse the help of your loved ones if it helps you. Trust your family and listen to yourself at the same time.

Be patient. No one can say how long you will experience the pain of loss. Grief is like the surf - it will either recede, or rush in with renewed vigor. Holidays and family dates are especially hard to experience. For many years, the pain of loss can appear on the birthday of the deceased, on the anniversary of death, on New Year or Christmas. Don't hide from your feelings. Give free rein to your memories, order a memorial service in a church, pray at home, visit a cemetery. Even in a situation where one of the spouses has died and the other has a new family, do not be shy about it. The deceased is part of your life. The person who loves you must understand and respect your feelings. This is not treason, this is a tribute to memory.

Now a little about the physiological aspects of grief. Today everyone knows about the connection between the emotional and somatic (bodily) sides. Deep grief can cause illness in the body. Grief manifests itself in appearance person. The grieving person is muscularly tense, tense, and cannot relax.. Such tension can cause sleep disorders, which, in turn, leads to breathing problems, pressure surges, and heart disease. If you feel muscle tension, ask someone to massage you (usually the collar area is the first to suffer), or consult a massage therapist. Perhaps relaxing to the sounds of nature will help someone. Be attentive to your state while listening; if, instead of relaxing, you feel that, on the contrary, grief is “rolling up”, or the sounds have awakened painful memories in you, stop listening immediately. If you previously had experience in body relaxation, then you can return to it now; if not, it is better not to start without the help of a specialist.

Don't ignore your body's needs. Try, if possible, to maintain your usual daily routine. Don't skip meals, even if you don't feel like it - a small portion of food will help you support yourself. You only need a little, at least an apple, a glass of kefir or milk. Don’t go to the other extreme - don’t “eat up” grief. If the attacks of hunger are uncontrollable, try to understand - do you really want to eat, or just need consolation in the same way as in childhood: “Don’t cry, hold the candy”? If this is the case, the matter is the lack of emotional support, look for it from loved ones, friends, or specialists, and not because of excess weight.

The second vital need that must be satisfied is need for sleep. Take a cool shower before bed, don’t watch TV, and try to relax as much as possible in bed. If you cannot establish normal sleep on your own, consult a doctor for medication support. But remember that medications alleviate your condition, but do not eliminate the cause. Therefore, you seem to “freeze” yourself in a state of grief, prolonging the period of grief. And of course, You shouldn’t seek solace in alcohol.

Another important aspect is the pace of your life. It is possible that during the period of grief you will not be able to perform all those functions that you could easily cope with before. It's OK. If there is an opportunity to shift them to someone else, do it. Allow yourself to reduce stress, remember that the stress you experience negatively affects all areas of your life. Get more rest. Evaluate which vacation is better for you - active or passive? Don't be afraid to show weakness and don't feel guilty about it; when you can, you will return to your normal rhythm of life. For now, just take care of yourself.

Time passes, and what seemed insurmountable yesterday is overcome. Emotions that did not allow you to breathe weaken and are replaced by others. The feeling of loss does not go away, you will always miss the deceased person, it’s just that the acute pain will be replaced by sadness and sad memories, and then these memories will become bright. This means you have gone through the most difficult period.

Experiencing grief does not mean forgetting. To survive means to learn to live fully after a loss.