What worries a person? What do Russians care about? How does back pain originate?

" Very important topic

, VERY! Because it’s really difficult to communicate with some people - you talk for half an hour, and then you have to recover for half a day. They suck energy - and do it very effectively. The 7 techniques described below really work. The main thing is to remember them and observe them. And don't let yourself be offended ;)

The people who are the hardest to love are the ones who need love the most. ~ Peaceful Warrior (This is a book. And a film based on the book. Interesting)

Have you ever had to deal with negative people? If yes, then you know that it can be terribly difficult.

I remember a former colleague of mine who was just like that. During our conversations, she endlessly complained about her colleagues, about work and about life. At the same time, she spoke very cynically about people in general, constantly doubting their intentions. It was no pleasure to talk to her. At all.

After our first conversation, I felt completely exhausted. Although we only talked for 20-30 minutes, I had neither the mood nor the strength to do anything else. It felt like someone had sucked the life out of me, and it took about three hours for the effect to wear off.

When we talked later, the same thing happened. She was so pessimistic that her negative energy seemed to rub off on me after the conversation, and even left a bad taste in my mouth. And you know, this really bothered me. I would gladly refuse to communicate with her if I could.

Then one day I decided that I needed to develop an action plan on how to deal with negative people. After all, she is not the only such person I will meet in my life. I thought, “For every negative person I meet now, there will be thousands of people I may meet one day. If I learn to cope with her, I can cope with everyone else.”

With this in mind, I brainstormed the best way to deal with negative people. Eventually, I figured out a few key techniques to do this effectively. They can be very helpful in getting along with such people a good relationship

If you have someone like this in your life right now negative person, you don't have to suffer from it. You are not alone in your problem - I have encountered negative people often and have learned to cope with them. Let them try to bring you down - you can choose how to react and what to do.

So, 7 techniques that will help you deal with negative people.

Technique 1. Don’t let yourself be drawn into negativity

One thing I've noticed is that negative people tend to focus on the bad things and ignore the good things. They exaggerate the problems they face, making their situation seem much worse than it really is.

The first time you interact with a negative person, listen carefully and offer help if necessary. Provide support - let him (she) know that he is not alone. However, make a note somewhere. If a person continues to complain about the same problem even after several discussions, this is a sign that he needs to free himself.

First, try changing the subject. If he/she goes into a negative tailspin, allow him/her to continue, but don't get caught up in the negativity. Give simple answers like “Yes, I see,” or “Yeah.” When he or she responds positively, respond affirmatively and enthusiastically. If you do this often enough, he or she will soon understand what is going on and become more positive in their interactions.

Trick #2: Use Groups

Dealing with a negative person can be very tiring. When I had a conversation with my negative colleague, I would be completely exhausted for several hours, although the conversation itself lasted only 20-30 minutes. This happened because I took on all her negativity.

To solve this problem, have someone else with you when you talk to a negative person. In fact, the more people the better. Then the negative energy will be shared between you and other people, and you will not have to bear its burden alone.

An added benefit of having someone else around is that other people help bring out different sides of your personality. When others are around, they can help bring out the other, positive side of a negative person. I've experienced this before and it helped me see a "negative" personality in a more positive light.

Technique #3: Objectify comments

Negative people can be quite critical at times. They periodically make comments that can really hurt, especially when directed at you.

For example, I had a friend who was very tactless. She liked to make various disparaging and critical comments. At first I was worried about her words, wondering why she was so critical every time she spoke. I also thought maybe there was something wrong with me—maybe I wasn’t good enough. However, when I observed how she interacted with our mutual friends, I realized that she behaved the same way with them. Her comments were not personal attacks - they were her normal behavior.

Realize that a negative person usually doesn't want to hurt you—he or she is simply trapped in their own negativity. Learn to deal with negative comments. Objectify them. Instead of taking his/her words personally, consider them as another point of view. Peel away the chaff and see if you can benefit or learn something from what is said.

Trick #4: Switch to more pleasant topics

Some negative people get turned on by certain topics. For example, one friend turns into a “victim of circumstances” whenever work comes up. No matter what I say, he will continue to complain about his job, which is terrible, and will not be able to stop.

If a person is deeply rooted in his negativity, in his problems, the solution may be to change the topic. Get started new topic to set the mood. Simple things - a movie, daily events, mutual friends, hobbies, happy news - can make a conversation much easier. Support him in areas about which the person feels positive emotions.

Trick #5: Choose Who You Spend Your Time With Carefully

As Jim Rohn put it, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” This quote means that who you spend time with has a huge impact on the kind of person you become.

I think this is very true. Think about the time you spend with negative people - do you feel good or bad afterwards? It's the same with positive people. – How do you feel after spending time with them?

Whenever I spend time with negative people, I feel heavy and have a bad aftertaste. When I meet positive people, I feel a surge of optimism and energy. This effect remains after communication. By spending more time with negative people, you gradually become negative too. It may be temporary at first, but over time the effect will begin to take root in you.

If you feel that certain people in your life are negative, become aware of how much time you spend with them. I recommend limiting the duration - it may help. For example, if they want to hang out with you but you don't like their company, learn to say no. If it's a meeting or phone call, set a limit on how long it will last. Stick to the topic of discussion and don't let it go on for more than a certain amount of time.

Hack #6: Identify areas where you can make positive changes.

Negative people are negative because they lack love, positivity and warmth. They often behave in ways that create a barrier that will protect them from the world.

One of the best ways help them - bring positivity into their lives. Think about what is bothering the person right now and think about how you can help him/her. This doesn't have to be anything too complicated, and you definitely shouldn't do it if you don't want to. The key is to be sincere in your desire to help, and to show him/her a different perspective on life.

Some time ago, I had a friend who didn't like her job. She didn't like her surroundings and corporate culture. There was a vacancy at my (now former) workplace, so I offered her the opportunity. She finally got the job and has been doing it for 3 years now and doing it great.

Today she leads a much happier, active and optimistic life. She's definitely more positive than she was a few years ago. While I wouldn't bet on her being completely happy with her career just yet, I do feel satisfied that I helped a little at the right time. Besides, there is always something you can do to help someone else - look around and help in any way you can. A small action on your part can lead to big changes in your relationship.

Technique No. 7. Stop communicating with them

If all else fails, limit contact with these people or even completely remove them from your life.

Instead of spending your time with negative people, focus on positive people. In the past, I spent a lot of time with negative people, trying to help them. This took a lot of my energy and was often completely useless. I reconsidered my methods. Now I prefer to work with positive friends and business partners. It turned out to be both more pleasant and useful.

Remember that you are building your life and it is up to you to decide what you want it to be. If negative people make you feel bad, work on it using the 7 steps outlined. By taking the right steps, you can make a significant difference in your relationship.

We are all human and rely on each other to survive. In fact, in hunter-gatherer cultures, leaving the tribe means death. So it's no surprise that we worry about what other people think of us!

But if you allow this to affect you, you will limit your creativity, alienate people who lift you up in some way, squander your opportunities for financial freedom and, in the end, you will simply not be able to courageously follow your true goal.

Fearing what others think not only limits your potential, it even makes you sick. Fear will not only make you lonely, broken, and prevent you from realizing your calling, it will also increase your risk of dangerous cardiovascular diseases, cancer, autoimmune diseases, inflammation, chronic pain, diabetes, and even colds.

So how can you tell if you're too afraid of what other people think of you? Here are some significant warnings. Listen to them.

You can't tell the truth

How often do you stay silent because you're afraid that if you speak up, you'll jeopardize your job, lose your lover, alienate your friend, or be rejected by your parents? How many times have you swallowed your truth (and along with it your honesty, self-respect and openness)?

You are not asked to voice all your thoughts. But every time you fail to express what is meaningful to you, what you believe is right and necessary, you activate a stress response that weakens your body's natural self-healing mechanisms and puts yourself at risk. Plus, you're breaking your peace of mind. And if you do not learn to follow the cries of your soul, to say what you consider necessary in each specific situation, the Universe can deal you a crushing blow in the form of disastrous consequences.

You become a social chameleon

Do you know people who change their mood (and appearance, and their favorite band, and even political party) every time they enter a new social circle? Even people with feelings self-esteem become almost the same if they are surrounded by others who are not like them.

If you feel like you are trying to fit in socially, then you are probably afraid that other people will not like you, because you are not at all like that, you do not have common interests. And sometimes you're right. The whole truth is that you will not feel comfortable in any environment with your beliefs and views. But it's worth taking the risk, because it's only when you take risks and behave accordingly that you'll truly find your company.

You're lying

If you believe that your truth is not welcome, then you will have a tendency to distort the truth, hide the truth or hide the truth. It doesn't matter at all whether you are a man or a woman, but it is especially common among men who hide the truth from a woman because they are afraid that if they tell her everything, she will run away or reject her. He is sure that if he dares to tell the truth about what he feels or what he thinks, it will disgrace him.

Of course, women are often guilty of lying, and men are often guilty of being ashamed of their truth. It often happens that ladies blame their gentlemen for dishonesty. Excuse me, but how can they be honest if shame or a reprimand awaits them after this? This is a complete failure. It is better for us not to be afraid of the truth, but to find the courage to love and respect each other.

You apologize for everything you like

For example, you say: “Yes, I listen to bands from the 1980s, although that may be stupid.” And after this phrase you blush, feel ashamed, assume that the other person will judge you and laugh at you. Then you start pretending, saying it was a joke, apologizing, agreeing with the opinions of others.

And it happens that a person, for example, talks about his admiration for Lady Gaga. You immediately support him, admire him with him, although in fact you cannot stand her. It's just fear. The same situation can be seen in one of the scenes with Julia Roberts in the movie "Runaway Bride", where she does not know if she likes eggs for breakfast because she is copying the man she is dating. You forget that those who truly love you need you, and not some cheap copy.

You avoid social situations

If you're an introvert, you'll realize that not everyone enjoys nightlife. But introverts still crave company. But if they feel afraid, they will immediately leave even the most interesting company. But even the most ardent extroverts avoid social situations because they worry beyond measure about what others will think.

You can’t be afraid to be yourself, and wait for some kind of rejection all the time. It is necessary to overcome the fear of what others will think of you; it is important to always remain a full-fledged person.

You hide your quirks

Do you love hamburgers and pizza, do you like to overeat this junk food at night? Do you know all the best recipes for preparing these dishes and all the technology? But here's the problem - you don't understand fashion, as is customary in society today. If you are too afraid of what others will think, you will be forced to follow the crowd. It activates stress reactions, which will push your body towards disease. And by doing this, you are hiding your true interests, although perhaps there is another hamburger fan in your circle with whom you would find a common language.

You constantly wonder what the other person is thinking

You are very puzzled because you are constantly trying to read other people's thoughts to make sure who to be and what to say in a given situation. And you are not actually present at this moment during the conversation with your mind. And, of course, you don’t pay attention to your beautiful, unique soul, which rewards you with thoughts and feelings.

When you're dealing with your fear of what everyone else is thinking, try to stay in the present tense, try to be free from fear.

You become a perfectionist

The desire for perfection is a property of the soul, the desire to perform every task flawlessly. But perfectionism comes from the fear of being rejected, the fear of failure.

You hide your inner light

Think about the times when you had pleasant moments in your life. You want to shout it from the rooftops! But you don't. Because you're afraid it will sound like you're bragging. Or you worry that someone else will judge you. Or that you'll make someone else jealous. Thus, you are losing ground. But when you do this, you deprive everyone of the opportunity to see your inner light, your passion, your thoughts. Imagine how much more interesting and fulfilling life could be!

You are hiding behind a mask

You fragment your personality. When you wear a mask, you act in one direction. You do things differently when you work with your business colleagues. You behave very differently at church, at a dance club, and at a yoga class. If you let go of the fear of what others think, you will have the courage to respond. main question: Who are you really?

Then your whole life will become a love letter to this true self. You are too beautiful, smart and unique to hide behind a faceless mask that deprives you of your individuality. So, once you stop caring about what everyone else thinks, you can fully “step into” your true, authentic self.

— How does Stone Sour’s latest album “Hydrograd” differ from previous ones?

“I think on this record we managed to address a real rock and roll story. We deliberately flirted with the past, but not too seriously. We were able to create a kind of fusion of metal riffs with classical fifths, and I think this idea worked. We explored many different directions and this helped us create an album that was unique to the band.

— The deluxe edition contains a cover of the Soundgarden song “Outshined”, this is not your first tribute (the frontman of the group committed suicide in May 2017 - note by Gazeta.Ru). You also paid tribute to Linkin Park's Chester Bennington, who committed suicide last summer. In this regard, the question is: can music have a therapeutic effect on a person? After all, Chris and Chester, being great artists, ultimately failed to cope with their problems.

- I can speak for myself. Music helps me. With her help I dealt with depression. Music helps ease inner pain, and sometimes that's enough. Sometimes all you need is to take a short break, and it’s at these moments that music saves you. Many people struggle with depression through therapy, medications, and even drugs. But I believe that music in this case helps many people almost better. We have already lost many musicians who were never able to overcome depression, but I am convinced that music helped many, and that is why even more people did not leave us.

— On the official website of Stone Sour you can now see Russian words and even a portrait of Lenin. And you also have a tattoo with own name in Russian! Is this some kind of special attitude towards Russia - or do you like Soviet aesthetics?

— The reason why I have a tattoo in Russian is very simple: I really like the way the Cyrillic alphabet looks. I remember the first time I got a Russian visa about 12 years ago, and I liked the look of it so much that I then went to a tattoo parlor and asked the artist to stamp my name on the visa (“Corey Todd Taylor” - note by Gazeta.Ru).

As for our website, which is now designed in the style of the latest album, it contains Russian motifs. It's even in its name. And I wanted the design of the site to somehow reflect this.

— Slipknot released a new single on Halloween, “All Out Life,” and it sounds like the band’s early records like the Iowa album. Why did you decide to return to your roots?

- This was not a conscious decision. We didn't all sit down together and decide in which direction to move forward. We just followed our musical mood, and it turned out to be very heavy and gloomy. At that moment I myself felt the need to write something that would literally hit the listener right in the face with its aggression. And I can say that there will be a lot of this on the new Slipknot album. When I heard the recorded material, I immediately thought that this was exactly what I needed right now. It’s just that the circumstances during the recording of the album were such that, on a subconscious level, all band members needed a heavy sound.

--Tell us about the new Slipknot masks. What do they symbolize?

— I can’t speak for the other participants, but for me masks have always carried two meanings: they are a reflection of our music and personal rebirth. Wearing a mask makes me appear in front of the audience as a completely different person. We all change throughout our lives: we grow, mature, and reconsider our views. I'm different on every album. I change and evolve with the music. On the upcoming album my mask will be very dark. If I manage to correctly convey the mood of our new music, this will be the most severe and [fucking] mask of all time.

— Even “worse” than in 2005?

- Yes, even “worse”! Every time I come up with a new mask, there is a certain mood behind it. This time, I hope everything will be very, very good.

— What do you think about modern popular music? Now rap has risen to incredible heights, and many believe that hip-hop has already taken the place of rock music. What do you think about it?

- This interesting topic. And I have two views on this issue. On the one hand, a genre is a genre. Rock is still rock, and rap is still rap. On the other hand, nowhere is it said that these genres cannot influence each other. I'm obviously influenced by a lot of different directions. This is rap, punk, metal and even country. And I’m very proud of this, because I try to use my entire background in my creativity.

However, to be pedantic, all these names are just conventions. Both rock musicians and hip-hop artists can easily be called pop stars because they are popular, and technically this would be true. However, over many years, people have developed a certain coordinate system in their heads, and a rock star can hardly be called a pop musician, and the performers themselves working in the pop genre will also not be entirely happy. These conventions help us understand what to expect from a particular artist.

All these names are already formed in our heads, and when Kanye West proposes to be nominated in the rock category, it is insulting because it seems that it is easy for him to write a good rock song. This also works in the opposite direction, when rock musicians express confidence that they can write good hip-hop. I believe that any genre should be respected. And this is why many rockers or punks get so angry when one of the hip-hop stars begins to identify themselves as rock music.

My problem with Kanye calling himself the biggest rock star is that it sounds too egotistical.

He says such words about himself when he is alive and continues to make new music! Let's wait 30 years first and see if he does the same things they did at their age. You called yourself the greatest rock star you were alive! This is offensive.

— Is there any modern rapper whom you could call a rock musician?

— In my opinion, Tek Nine is a musician who simply blows everyone away on stage. He is my favorite hip-hop artist today.

— What other rappers do you listen to?

— On my playlist there are a lot of those whose music I grew up with - NWA, Ice Cube, . Of the relatively younger ones - . His last album ["Kamikaze"] is very good. There is some kind of anger and sincerity in it. I really liked his disses on all these young caramel and sweet rap stars.

— You came to Moscow for the first time more than ten years ago. Were you able to see the city then? And what did you like most about our capital?

— I managed to walk around Moscow a little. But, for obvious reasons, I devoted very little time to this. However, I was able to see many places in the city. In general, there are a lot of beauties in Russia, and not only in Moscow. St. Petersburg is simply magnificent. I love to travel, especially to visit different historical places. And I am very lucky that I became a musician, because I have the opportunity to visit so many countries and cities that many people can only dream of.

The Russian leg of the Stone Sour tour will open on November 13 in Rostov-on-Don and end with concerts in St. Petersburg on November 15 and Moscow on November 16.

Why are support hotlines needed and how do they help people?

Thanks to the #faceofdepression flash mob and public discussion of mental disorders and psychological problems It became obvious that many people need professional psychological help at different times in their lives - but not everyone can afford it.

Some people don’t have money for a paid specialist, others are ashamed or afraid to go to the doctor. For such situations, there are helplines, crisis centers and support services where you can speak out or ask for advice. Usually their employees remain behind the scenes: for those who contacted them, it is just a voice. Especially for Meduza, three specialists from psychological support services - including for children and HIV-positive people - told how their work works and what worries Russians most now.

Dina Valeeva - psychologist, coordinator of the first emergency telephone in St. Petersburg psychological assistance

Our emergency psychological help line is a social project of the Harmony Institute of Psychotherapy and Counseling; the service has existed since 1989. It's free, anonymous, confidential and 24/7: we don't identify the number or ask for a name if the person doesn't want to give it. The consultant also has the right not to introduce himself or use a pseudonym - this is also due to our safety.

Many people believe that you only need to call a helpline when something terrible has happened to you. In general, these phones exist so that people can share their experiences on less serious occasions. Calls in connection with emergency situations (for example, suicide or violence) - 1-3%. They don't happen every day. Most often people call us due to a crisis. Dismissal from work, divorce, separation - any event that can cause difficult feelings. They called us when there was an explosion in the metro in St. Petersburg in April. There was a lot of information both on the Internet and on TV - and, probably, at home or at work it seemed inappropriate for people to say that this information flow was traumatic.

Other topics for calls are health, love and family relationships. Less often - problems at work. There are calls about violence, addiction (including gambling), self-realization, and, of course, there are calls from clients with special needs. People with certain psychological characteristics or a psychiatric diagnosis, they call us all the time: often for them it’s the only way communication with the outside world. They don't need advice or instructions - they just want to tell you that they went to the store or read a poem. We give them the opportunity to share something, but there are time limits: the line cannot be constantly busy so that a person in a crisis also has the opportunity to get through.

I don’t have prepared answers for different situations, be it unhappy love or problems with parents. I try to tune in to one wavelength, even taking into account the pace of speech. If a person called the phone, it means he wants empathy, participation, support. And in conversation there is always an emphasis on feelings. I try to monitor the state of the interlocutor at the beginning and at the end. Did the tension (or despair, or sadness, or pain) go away because someone shared this feeling with him?

There are situations when the consultant has the right to hang up. For example, if a rapist calls and begins to savor the details of what he did. We don’t talk to drunk people: we explain that we are ready to provide support, but first the interlocutor needs to sober up. If the consultant realizes that he is being used for sexual purposes, he also stops the conversation.

I'm not a fan of written advice, although it exists. When you write, you have to formulate it, and it turns out that this is about the area of ​​thinking, not feelings. Live communication with a live person is more effective. I hear the voice, breathing, and track other points that may be important to me. In addition, if the interlocutor is in a state of acute grief, such hopelessness that there is no strength to even move, or, conversely, anger or rage - how then to type? Emoticons cannot convey all the emotions we experience. And yes, calling a stranger is an effort. But who said that psychological help should be easy? Internal changes often involve some effort.

St. Petersburg weather is the talk of the town, and we also happen to discuss it. It happens that a person not originally from St. Petersburg, who moved here to live, calls and says that at first he was very inspired by monuments of art and architecture, but gradually the dullness began to crush him. We rarely have sun. Then we begin to jointly look for a resource - each person has his own recipe for how to support himself when it seems that everything is bad.

There are bright calls during which I understand that my work is very important both for me and for the person. And this is not always something extreme. For example, one day a child called and asked to be escorted over the phone to his apartment while he was taking the elevator. My parents are at work, and I was ashamed to say that I couldn’t go into the entrance because it was scary. It was very significant for me.

Kirill Barsky - head of programs at the Steps AIDS charity foundation

According to official data, more than 800 thousand people with HIV infection live in Russia today. However, the all-Russian free state hotline for the prevention and treatment of HIV/AIDS, which operated from 2006 to 2013, is no longer operational. There is no funding for it. But there are numbers you can call and get information, help and support, for example, the number of our foundation, founded by HIV-positive people. We have a social information center where self-help groups are held and counseling, testing, and medical and social support services are provided. “Peer consultants” – that is, people with positive HIV status – answer the phone. Sometimes we receive up to 50 calls a day, especially if something happened: medicine was not delivered to pharmacies on time or a high-profile incident was reported in the media.

The most common reason for calls is difficulties in accepting a diagnosis. "What do I need to do next? Will I live? We tell you what HIV infection is and try to explain that no, all is not lost. The catchphrase: “We upset you, you will live, there is treatment.” Most often, callers don’t even know this. It is especially difficult for a person with HIV status in small towns with a population of ten thousand people, because the offices of infectious disease doctors at hospitals, Dermatology and Venereal Diseases clinics, and clinics are in plain sight. People are afraid to go there and decide to move. But even Muscovites do not immediately seek help and remain in prostration for a long time, because in our country there is no high-quality pre- and post-test counseling about HIV. At best, they find “peer consultants” or HIV-positive people. In the worst case, and there are many such cases, they end up in the hospital in very poor condition and take a long time to get out. People do not trust Russian medicine and cannot even imagine that there is free, high-quality treatment. Meanwhile, HIV infection is provided better than any nosology in the country.

We listen to other people's stories and tell our own. For example, I have been living with HIV infection since I was 18 years old and for a long time I did not want to accept my diagnosis. I ran from the AIDS center for more than seven months after learning about my status - I’m busy, I have university, I have work to do! And only when I realized that I could no longer climb from the first to the second floor without getting out of breath, I went to the doctor again. Now I am 26. I have been taking antiretroviral therapy for six years without interruption. I have more than a thousand immune cells, this is an excellent indicator, especially for the city.

Any people call us - everyone you can imagine. Doctors, academics, professors. I once counseled five priests in four months. Most calls are sexually transmitted. And most often people are in relationships: someone brought it from the outside, someone was infected before the relationship but did not know about the status, someone was abused. Very often people become completely helpless because they do not expect such a turn of events: “After all, I’m leading healthy image life, I have a stable relationship with my wife!” If necessary, we accompany people - we take them by the hand to the AIDS center and help them register.

If the other partner remains negative, there is a very high risk that the relationship will fall apart. Because people are scared, because in most cases it is not known where the virus came from. My personal example - I received HIV status while in a stable relationship, and we still don’t know which of us brought the infection.

Speedophobia is still very pronounced in our society. It happens that people call and ask: “I took communion, did I become infected with HIV?” One day, the mother of an HIV-positive man called and asked if she had done the right thing by cleaning the apartment with bleach and setting aside separate dishes for her son. XXI Century!

It happens that we get calls from people who deny the existence of HIV infection. If it is a call from parents, we try to motivate them as much as possible to contact a specialist who works with parents. If a person just wants to prove something to himself with this call, then we don’t exist for them and it’s pointless to enter into a dialogue. Most often these are people who have been diagnosed but do not want to accept it. Whether a person will contact services after the conversation or not is his decision. Our task is not to force or persuade, but to support and help the person to understand as much as possible. Unfortunately, there are times when at the end of the call the person still says: no, I won’t go. And here we can’t do anything, that’s his right.

I often hear from specialists: who can cry now from HIV infection, this is such nonsense. This is wrong. This is a chronic incurable disease, without treatment it is fatal. In addition, HIV in public consciousness is still associated with the marginalized - drug users, sex workers. Stigma has not gone away. Fortunately, it rarely turns into action. But discrimination still exists - even in Moscow. Recent incident: my colleague was severely bitten by a dog. We went to the emergency room, they calmly provided assistance to him, understanding his status. And then he had to go to the clinic to get a tetanus injection. The nurse called 20 hospitals in front of us, everyone said: “No, let him go to Sokolinaya Gora.” Why? What's the problem with getting an injection?

Unfortunately, free counseling is not available in all regions of Russia, because in state system they still don’t really understand where and how to support local NGOs, activist consultants and self-help groups, and there are practically no international donors left. Everything is relatively fine in Moscow, St. Petersburg and Yekaterinburg. But even then we survive on moral and volitional strength: 90% of our foundation’s work is volunteering.

Alina Gromova - manager baby phone Trust Center for Emergency Psychological Assistance of Moscow State University of Pedagogical University

Usually children call to talk about relationships - with peers or in the family. Frequent topics are conflicts with parents, emotional coldness. Less often - violence, cruelty. But since all calls are anonymous, even in this case we cannot directly influence the development of events. Everything is done through a conversation with the child: if he is ready to open up, he leaves contacts, and we contact the guardianship authorities or other services that can help.

However, convincing him of this is not easy, because the prospect of ending up in an orphanage is even more frightening. We explain that there are intermediate stages, there are crisis centers that work with parents. But usually children are not inclined to change the situation radically; they call because today is especially difficult, but it’s still tolerable. We, of course, say that being subjected to violence, both physical and psychological, is not normal. But more often than not, children from disadvantaged families are simply waiting to go to college with a dormitory and finally run away from home.

On the other side of the scale are children from whom their parents expect a lot - and they cannot withstand this pressure. Sometimes the story of “he’s an excellent student with us, everything is great” can hide too high parental ambitions, efforts for someone else and torment for oneself. Against this background, the so-called tunnel consciousness can even develop, when the whole world narrows down to the need to get an A on the exam. If it doesn’t work out, that’s it, life is over. And then we work to expand consciousness, we say - well, imagine yourself in ten years, what will this five give you, how will it affect your life?

Suicide is not a rare topic in general: children can call and tell you that they have thoughts, intentions, plans. Or it could even be an ongoing suicide - when the subscriber has already taken the pills or is standing at the window, near the road. Motivation is difficult to explain: sometimes it is fear, sometimes the desire to live, sometimes the inability to call a loved one and say goodbye. Sometimes it’s indescribable - you just want to dial a number and talk to this stranger. In any emergency situation, we try to find out the address and call an ambulance.

“Blue whales”, of course, also did not pass by our phone. Teenagers called with the words “I tried to join the group, now I’m scared, what if they kill my parents.” Anxious parents called, who leafed through all the children’s feeds and revealed all their passwords in order, if anything, to prevent suicide, which nothing even hinted at. There were a lot of border violations and unnecessary panic, but some parents paid attention to the lives of their children for the first time, and “blue whales” became a marker that there were problems.

It happens that parents do not notice, do not see difficulties, thinking that they are doing everything possible for the child. There was a call from a parent whose child is doing well at school and attends nine other clubs. Social communication no, because the family lives in a gated community. And everything seemed great, but then he joined the group and started talking about death... At first his parents tried to deny the problem: it’s still great, there are a thousand and one clubs, he’s getting straight A’s, why does he need these whales? Admitting your mistakes is not easy at all. But the feeling of guilt is still present, albeit deeply: maybe I’m doing something wrong, maybe I need to change my way of parenting, moderate my ambitions? IN in this case the conversation came to the conclusion that the group for the child was the only place where he could communicate on any topics that were interesting to him and he was encouraged there.

Younger children call with fears. I watched a horror movie with my brother, and now it seems like there are monsters everywhere. “It” is popular right now, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there are a million calls about a clown sitting somewhere waiting with that balloon. And one day one of the parents called and said that the child had a fear that someone was watching him, it seemed like a man. When we started to find out the details, it turned out that the child’s grandfather had recently died, he was not taken to the funeral and they explained that the grandfather is now in heaven and is looking down on you. Children have very concrete thinking. The child began to imagine a man in the dark corners.

Teenagers call with concerns that may seem frivolous to us. “My friend took it from me, and when the teacher caught us, she said that it was she who let it be copied. And she’s dating my boyfriend, she stole me, and behind my back she calls me a fool. But here she is my best friend. I don’t know what to do.” But it's important. At this age, teenagers determine for themselves what friendship, loyalty, honor, love, and justice are. And there is no point in saying: “Find yourself another girlfriend.” The psychologist, through leading questions, clarifies what the subscriber wants. Here is the best friend doing such actions. How are you feeling at this moment? What is friendship for you? Is what's happening now friendship? How do you want to change the situation?

One of the relatively new topics is blackmail on social networks. Girls call who met someone and sent naked photos. And the person is now blackmailing them: asking for a photo from a new angle or a video. If you refuse, all your friends will receive these photos (a screenshot of the list of friends is attached). Public shame is very scary for girls. And they don’t know what to do, how to tell their parents.

There are also pranks, but usually the consultants sense them well: you start asking clarifying questions, and the child “falls out.” Sometimes in this way children act out a traumatic situation that needs to be overcome. One day, children called us several times to tell us that they had killed a cat. We talked about this topic for half a day. At some point, the consultant asked what happened to them and where such cruel details came from. And it turned out that in the morning they saw a run-down cat. It’s a big company, you can’t openly show weakness or fear, but you need to comprehend the situation. Laughter is a normal reaction, it happens that in stressful situation you laugh, not cry. The consultant sympathized and said that accepting death is quite difficult and scary to think about. He voiced their experiences and possible emotions, and explained that a strong reaction to such an event is normal. The children's emotional stress subsided, the topic ceased to be exciting, and the calls stopped.