It's hard to find a common language with people. How to find a common language with your mother-in-law? Simple secrets of communication

Ability to find mutual language communication with people is sometimes necessary for each of us. This ability can be useful at work, in your personal life, and even in an extreme situation. However, how to find a common language with people, and especially in those situations when many people sometimes do not want to make contact at all?

1. Even if you are sure that you can find a common language with a particular person or even become his friend, still do not ask to be friends.
2. Focus on the person you are communicating with. Try to understand his motives and thoughts. You need to determine what he thinks about and what he strives for.
3. There is no need to be afraid to meet first. Pay attention to how easily children sometimes get to know each other. Take the initiative into your own hands if you see that the person is ready to communicate. Start a conversation on some popular topic that may be of interest to him (study, work, sports, cars) and just chat.
4. Don't forget to listen to your interlocutor. You should express your thoughts about certain things, but you should not forget to listen, especially not to argue, and therefore it is better not to start conversations on topics that may provoke an argument (for example, politics or religion).
5. Don't criticize your interlocutor. Even if you notice his shortcomings, remember that no one is perfect. Moreover, even if a thought flashed through your head about some specific disadvantage of your new acquaintance, it is better to immediately discard it and concentrate on the person’s merits.
6. Finally, don't forget about yourself. You probably have a lot in common with your friends, you just need to “grab the thread.” The main thing is that you feel that this person is ready to communicate with you. If not, then it’s better not to suck up; it’s quite possible that a little later your friends will start communicating themselves. Just give them time.

How to find a common language with your mother-in-law?

Very often there are cases when two loved ones and loving women they begin to divide one man. Moreover, their roles are completely different. One of them is a mother, the second is a wife. The constant struggle between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law seems as endless as the struggle between children and fathers. It makes no sense at all, since it can only destroy families, break destinies and leave people alone. Is it possible to find a common language between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law? Can. Let's look at some of the most common problems in their relationships and give them solutions.

1. Very often a wife does not want to share her husband with his mother. Many women believe that after marriage or even before it, after a certain period of time, a man should receive full custody from his wife. However, it should be remembered that a mother will always remain a mother. Therefore, you should not prohibit a man from communicating with her as much as he wants.
2. If you already have children, then you should not prohibit your mother-in-law from seeing them. On the contrary, leave your grandmother with her grandchildren more often. And she will be happy, and you will have more time.
3. There is no need to start an argument or conflict if a man decides to spend the weekend with his mother. Perhaps she needs his help, perhaps she just wants to see him. The best way out in this situation would be to spend the weekend together.
4. If you don’t have any special sympathy for your dog, try to understand her as a person, find common ground and make friends with her. Treat her well, help with housework, communicate with her. Perhaps your mother-in-law will make contact and you will build a good relationship

How to find a common language with your wife's parents?

Having considered the problems of relationships with the mother-in-law and their solution, one cannot fail to mention how to find a common language with the wife’s parents. After all, if a woman usually encounters only her husband’s mother, then a man more often has to find a common language with both of his wife’s parents, since they always pay close attention to him.

1. When meeting, be smiling, courteous, and respond to jokes with jokes. If you are invited to dinner or have lunch together, then at the first time you meet, do not rush to refuse, because they want to get to know you better. Try to make time for lunch and dinner together.
2. React calmly to reproaches and criticism from your parents, because there is nothing wrong with being criticized. If the criticism is objective, listen; if not, you can simply laugh it off or calmly prove that you are right.
3. Ask what hobbies your wife's parents have. It will be great if you give them gifts that suit their tastes.
4. It’s best to find out in advance what topics your wife’s parents like to talk about and what they don’t. Try to avoid controversial topics, such as conversations about politics, religion, war and conquest.
5. Don’t be shy to show off your knowledge or show that you don’t know or can’t do something. At the same time, never be arrogant or put yourself in a stupid position.

How to find a common language with your younger brother?

Usually, difficulties in communicating with younger brothers occur in cases where the latter are still teenagers. In fact, finding a common language with many of them is not difficult.

1. To begin with, it will be useful to find out about your brother’s interests and try to understand them. Even if you fail to understand his hobbies, you cannot criticize them unless they are dangerous for him.
2. Do not complain to your parents about your brother under any circumstances, do not constantly blame him.
3. Try to turn to your brother for advice more often. This will definitely flatter him.
4. Of course, you need to spend more time with your brother. Surely you will have common interests, you can watch films that interest him, play games together, play sports. Surely your brother can teach you a lot, and you can teach him a lot!

“The most important component in the formula for success is the ability to find a common language with people”
Theodore Roosevelt

We all know the role that the ability to communicate with people plays in our Everyday life, how important it is to have effective communication skills in various situations and in establishing contact with different categories of people.

Any communication process includes a verbal and nonverbal component. In the first case, speech is used to communicate, and in the second, they help us communicate. Have you ever wondered what the most significant difference exists between humans and other living beings? This is the ability to interact with verbal communication.

Possessing such wealth as speech, most people still experience difficulties in establishing quality contact with other people. Social Psychology and personality psychology have accumulated a huge knowledge base about styles, barriers, and communication mechanisms, which have become the basis for creating effective methods of communication. We learn to successfully communicate with people with the help of effective exercises and advice from a psychologist, which you will find in this article.

If you want to find a specific answer to the question of how to communicate with people, carefully study the psychologist's advice below. They will help you understand how psychology suggests establishing positive contact, as well as understand what mistakes you should not make in communication.

• Overcome your subjectivity. It is important for you to realize that each of them has an individual picture of the world. It is formed under the influence of personal life experience which we receive from the outside world through the senses. Each of us interprets all events based on our own views and beliefs. Take this fact into account in your conversation, try to consider the topic of conversation with different points vision.
• Talk less, listen more. Statistical studies show that most people like to talk much more with a person who pays more attention to the interlocutor, and not to himself. By showing sincere interest in the thoughts and feelings of another in a conversation, you gain their favor. You can be sure that this person will show reciprocal interest in you in the future.
• Ask open-ended questions. Try to ask more questions that do not require a simple monosyllabic answer, but give the interlocutor the opportunity to express his opinion. For example, instead of asking “Do you like this movie?” ask “What movies do you like?” Open questions will help you establish contact with a stranger in situations where, for various reasons, it is difficult to find a “common language.”
• Show that you can be trusted. One of the effective rules of effective communication is to make eye contact during a conversation. By looking into the eyes of your interlocutor, you let him understand and feel your interest and honesty. If you avoid direct eye contact or constantly lower your eyes, then the person regards this as a signal of uncertainty or lying.
• Favorite sound - sound own name. Psychology calls addressing the interlocutor by name an important element of effective communication. The name carries a strong energy charge and is an element of self-identification. By addressing a person by name, you increase his self-esteem and encourage him to have a more trusting relationship. If appropriate, you can use the name in a diminutive form. It’s much more pleasant to hear “Lenochka, do you know...?” instead of the usual “dry” question.
• Expand your horizons. Comprehensively developed person with a wide range of interests and deep knowledge in different areas is able to much more easily establish positive contact with people of different worldviews and professional orientations. This is especially true for people who, due to their activities, encounter a large number of different people.
• Relax and trust your interlocutor. Many people are held back from building trusting relationships by constant self-control or the desire to impress. The well-known rule “be yourself” has not been canceled, so in the process of interacting with other people, try to switch your attention to the interlocutor and his thoughts.
• Concentrate on the conversation. During a conversation, do not perform any other actions at the same time: do not write in a notepad, do not watch TV. Your interlocutor will definitely notice this and think that you are indifferent to him and will regard your behavior as a hint to stop the conversation.

Exercise “Learning to mute projections”

Professional psychology uses the term “projection” when a person tries to attribute to other people qualities inherent in himself. For example, you love the attention of other people and try to make a good impression. At the same time, you can assume that everyone is trying to do everything in order to “show off” in front of others.

All these are stereotypes that arise from the inability to consider a situation from different points of view and deeply understand other people.

It is impossible to suppress projections completely, but they can be muffled. Every time you feel that you are “imposing” your point of view, or in your conclusions proceed only from your own vision, try to engage in a comprehensive analysis of the personality of another. This will help you better understand his motives and desires. We learn to analyze personality according to the following scheme:

Character:

• individual character traits, their manifestation;
• attitude towards career, work and money;

Capabilities:

• Creative skills;
• intellectual level;
• technical ability;

Volitional qualities:

• persistence;
• determination;
• feeling of inner freedom.

Interests:

• common interests;
• hobby;
• destructive tendencies.

Moral qualities:

• attitude towards other people;
• the ability to love and sympathize;
• whether its activities benefit society.

Exercise “Overcome communication barriers”

Often in communication we experience a feeling of alienation and encounter “stagnations” when we simply do not know what to talk about with a specific person. All these troubles are often associated with fear of communication. It is a product of the fear of being rejected and misunderstood.

This is especially common for people who lead, and they need to communicate with people on a daily basis. different people. But the more you expand your circle of acquaintances, the faster you realize that these are empty fears.

Set a goal throughout the day to communicate with 15 different people through different communication channels:

• with 4 people - using a phone;
• with 4 people – via Skype (with webcam);
• with 5 strangers - in a store or on the street;
• with 2 close people about something very important.

While doing this exercise, use the psychologist's advice that you have already learned. This will help you realize that you can find a common language with any person if you master the principles of effective communication.

Some more tips for effective communication.

I seem to speak Russian. And there are no foreigners around me. And I feel like no one understands me. And it’s not clear how to communicate with them.

Take my husband, for example. Probably twenty times already it has dripped on my brain: “Vasya, fix the tap! Vasya, fix the tap!” Well, how else can I say it? Did I say something incomprehensible? Does not help. But I know for sure that about once every fiftieth time I risk waiting for him to just freak out and punch me on the back. There was already a case... This is how, in general, you can find a common language with this person, huh?!

And with my daughter it’s no better. Some kind of FIFA is growing, always “in character.” Getting ready for kindergarten every morning is a real pain. First, we change our blouses a hundred times, because “this one isn’t so pretty, and that one doesn’t have enough shiny rhinestones.” I explain in normal Russian: frost in the yard! What kind of rhinestones? A warm, practical sweater is needed. And she burst into tears.

The road to kindergarten is a real hard labor. What other words can we use to explain that we are late?! “Oh, look how the snowflakes sparkle here! Oh, what a cat is running, she’s probably cold, let’s take it home?” My teeth are grinding and grinding, but it’s not at all from the cold.

Mother-in-law is just another story. Unfortunately, not without words. There are just a lot of words there, rattling like a magpie. And it still languishes over my beloved, as if he had to get ready for kindergarten in the morning: “How are you there, Vasenka, my little darling? It’s cold outside, don’t forget to wear a scarf!”

Just now I tried to hint that an adult man no longer has to call his mom thirty times a day. His nostrils flared and his jaw stuck out: “How can you?!” It's MOM!!!" That's it, turn out the lights, I can't take it anymore.

In the swamp of misunderstanding

In fact, relationships between people often collapse precisely because of the inability to understand each other. Due to misunderstanding, the husband separates from his wife, or the children stop communicating with their parents. And understanding how to communicate with your mother-in-law or mother-in-law is completely beyond reality, a task not for the faint of heart.

It often happens that only sitting at the already broken trough, we begin to ask questions: “Why don’t people want to communicate with me? Why did my daughter stop communicating with me, or does my son ignore my calls? How to find a common language with your parents?

In such a situation, it can be very painful for us: after all, we are often talking about a break with the closest and dearest people.

Why don't we understand each other

Indeed, sometimes it seems that we are speaking different languages. Why is this happening?

The fact is that we are built the same only externally: everyone has legs, arms and a head. But a person lives by his thoughts and desires, values ​​and attitudes, innate inclinations and natural qualities. In a word, his psyche. And here we are completely different, since our set natural qualities and properties, which in Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan are called vectors, each has its own.

However, without a systematic perception of the psyche of another person, we cannot understand the reasons and motives of his actions; they seem strange to us. After all, we see them and try to evaluate it through ourselves. “For example, I would... If I were him, I would never... Doesn’t he really understand that...”

Of course, he doesn't understand. He is different and structured differently.

We simply have no other way but to figure out how we are structured. Want to know how to communicate with people? Then let's begin!

Vasenka the slow-moving

Here is Vasenka in front of us. By the way, the best husband and father. He was not caught in adultery, he blows specks of dust off his daughter. True, sometimes it sticks to its sofa so that you can’t get it off with pliers. And he always puts off fixing the notorious tap until tomorrow.

Vassenka needs a certain approach. This person is naturally slow and unhurried; it takes him longer to complete a task than others. But if you don’t tug him or rush him, rest assured that no one can do a better job fixing the faucet than he does. Because it works the same way: slowly, carefully and efficiently, “conscientiously.”

For such a person, gratitude and respect are very important. Especially within your family: after all, as Yuri Burlan’s system-vector psychology explains, it is vitally important for the owner to feel that he is the real master of the house.

Bullet wife

But his wife, the owner, sees Vasya completely differently. For her, he is a “brake” and “how many more times should I repeat this?” She evaluates him through her own qualities: she is naturally fast, dexterous, values ​​time and saves resources.

She endlessly tugs and urges Vasya, and this makes him even more stupefied. In addition, instead of gratitude and respect, he constantly stumbles upon the “chainsaw of Friendship” in the person of his own lifelong friend. When Vasya’s patience (very long, but not endless) finally bursts, his wife gets the dubious pleasure of seeing “ dark side anal vector” – assault.

The cotton-eyed daughter

And maybe both would have spat and run away, but children appear in the family. In our case, a sweet, unearthly creature with wide eyes.

“Oh, what a beautiful flower! Oh, what blue sky!” – the little owner observes life in such bright colors. Our “sweet married couple” has no idea that they have a future actress or artist, ballerina or designer growing up. With a favorable upbringing, such a girl may well grow into a deeply compassionate person, capable of actively helping the sick and weak.

But without systemic perception, a practical skin mother sees in her simply a fool unadapted to life, who does not even understand that in winter she needs to dress warmly, and not beautifully. And dad scares her from time to time, as a joke. True, after these jokes, the emotional and hypersensitive spectator is afraid not only of the darkness, but even of her own shadow.

There is no demand, but no one has canceled the consequences

In fact, until we realize psychological characteristics not only other people, but even our own, there is no demand from us. After all, no one taught us the basics of psychological literacy at school.

Nevertheless, we receive full negative consequences. We don’t know how to find a common language with a person, because we don’t understand how he lives and breathes. What features does it have by nature?

And we pay with the breakdown of the family, the loss of relationships with children, and even our social fulfillment. We also work among people.

The only alternative to these losses is our psychological literacy, the ability to see another person as he is.

Educational program for a happy life

The main result of the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan is the ability to live happily among other people, to easily find a common language. They have already left their feedback on how easy it has become for them to understand their children and marriage partners, friends and co-workers.

After the training, the barriers between us collapse, and communication begins to bring pleasure:

We understand the reasons and motives of our parents’ actions, and this helps us get rid of the long-term burden of mutual claims and grievances:

Relationships in a couple begin to be built on the basis of a deep understanding of the characteristics of the partner and bring mutual happiness:

We become able to understand our children, realize their innate properties and talents, and we grow into happy and fulfilled individuals:

Are you wondering how to communicate with an adult child? Or maybe you can’t figure out how to find a common language with your parents? Don't know how to communicate with your mother-in-law, mother-in-law or harsh boss at work?

System-vector psychology has answers to any similar question. Register for free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»

Why we do not understand each other- not otherwise, because we communicate in different languages ​​or dialects, then how to find a common language; or maybe I don’t understand you, because I’m mute and you’re deaf; or we are both deaf and dumb, and even blind... or maybe we just don’t want to, we don’t know how to understand each other...

One way or another, without understanding between two or more people, without finding a common language for communication and interaction: be it in the family, with parents, children and teenagers, at work, in society and politics, in love and friendship - people will not be able to constructively solve general, work and business, personal and family problems, establish harmonious relationships, simply, they will not be able to communicate normally: love, make friends, raise children, grow personally and build a career or business.

Why do people not understand each other, speaking the same but not a common language?

Problems of misunderstanding between people, frequent contradictions, quarrels and conflicts, can be not only due to banal psychological incompatibility, but also due to the inability to listen, and most importantly, to hear the interlocutor; inability to perceive children's speech; unwillingness to treat with understanding and empathy the desires and needs of another person.

Often, egocentrism left over from youth, or aggravated personal psychological protection“projection,” coupled with accentuation of character and differences in interhemispheric asymmetry of the brain, makes it so that people do not understand each other, although they communicate and speak the same language and dialect.

But the key place in this problem is occupied by the personal worldview of each individual person, his model of the world, deep-seated beliefs about himself, others and the world as a whole, as well as the main representative (sensory) system of a person associated with perception, i.e. vision (visual) , hearing (auditory), and touch (kinesthetic), to the latter you can add taste and smell.

How to learn to understand each other and how to find a common language

Often, trying to convey, as it seems to us, useful information, in the form of advice and recommendations, to the interlocutor, instead of gratitude we meet, at best, indifference, or even hostility.

This happens because we seem to drive our thoughts and ideas into someone else’s, sometimes closed consciousness, trying to break through someone else’s perception, someone else’s shell. Such an action is perceived as an attack, as a threat.

What to do? How to learn to understand each other and find a common language?

The first thing we can do is take our time and take a closer look at our interlocutor, or more precisely at his body language. With the help of facial expressions, gestures and postures, you can determine how a person treats your information.

Second, you need to determine its representative system, i.e. who is our interlocutor: visual, auditory or kinesthetic.

And based on the data obtained about your counterpart, you can build bridges of constructive dialogue and communication, i.e. You can solve joint tasks and problems, as well as introduce your thoughts and ideas.

But first, before studying another person, you need to determine your own language body and the leading sensory system.

If you learn this, you will be able to pick up, find a common body language and will correspond representative system interlocutor, then you will easily communicate and interact, i.e. understand each other.

In the next article, you will learn how to find

Everyone knows how to communicate, but not everyone knows how to do it correctly so that the conversation is easy, relaxed, but at the same time successful. It is important to know simple rules that will help you learn not only to communicate with people, but also to attract them to you like a magnet.

Why is it so important to be able to communicate with people?

A person needs communication first of all in order to remain human. A person is a social and public being, for whom it is important to be able to talk, to have culture, because only during constant communication does it happen social adaptation person to society.

The next aspect in which it is important to be able to communicate is the mutually beneficial exchange of knowledge. This exchange occurs throughout a person’s life, starting from birth. In addition, the ability to communicate is necessary to express emotions and feelings, which are important not only for psychological, but also physiological health.

Making connections, realizing a person as an individual, making friends - none of this can be achieved without the ability to communicate. By uniting in a group of like-minded people, people have a much greater chance of achieving all their goals and achieving something in life.

Communication cannot always teach you something good; often the wrong company can become a source of problems and negative situations. Therefore, it is important to learn to adopt only the good side from interlocutors and friends, while not forgetting to get rid of your negative character traits. Each person has the right to decide for himself what to adopt from others - advantages or disadvantages, but often people only adopt the good.

Friends play an important role in a person’s life, it is important to find friends who would always be there, regardless of the situation this moment, but without the ability to communicate, it is quite difficult to find good and loyal friends. Don't forget about entertainment - they are necessary in every person's life. Entertainment can be very diverse, from a noisy party in the company of friends and family, to a romantic evening with a loved one, but they are needed, and without proper communication it is simply impossible to achieve this.

Simple secrets of communication

When communicating with a person, it is very important to establish visual contact with him from the very beginning, since avoiding face-to-face communication can be regarded as neglect. The next aspect in establishing contact is the ability to listen to the interlocutor, occasionally inserting comments into the conversation, so the interlocutor will understand that he is being listened to attentively. If the topic of the conversation is boring, then you can liven it up a little by asking some question on this topic or smoothly and unobtrusively move the conversation in a different direction.

If communication occurs with a person you don’t yet know well, then it is important to keep your distance, not sitting down too quickly or touching him, as this may be interpreted incorrectly. With the help of a smile, you can melt the ice in any relationship, the same applies to conversation, since people are very pleased to communicate with positive personalities, the main thing is that the smile is on time and in the right place.

If possible, address the person by name. But you should not abuse and overdo it, since endless repetition of the name can, on the contrary, alienate the interlocutor. When communicating with a stranger or colleague, it is important to find common ground, common interests and topics for conversation.

When communicating, you should try to talk about yourself as little as possible and be more interested in the opinions and problems of your interlocutor. The exception is when close friends or girlfriends communicate; such communication usually takes place in a completely different format than a conversation between two colleagues or still unfamiliar people.

When establishing contact, it is important to grasp the mood of the interlocutor. To understand what mood the interlocutor is in, you can simply smile when meeting; as a rule, if a person is in a good mood, he will smile back, and, conversely, if a person is in a bad mood or is sick, then there will be no return smile. In this case, if the interlocutor knows you well, then you can ask if everything is fine with him. However, if this is an unfamiliar person, then you cannot ask any questions, but you need to talk to him in an even, calm voice, without showing any irritation or dissatisfaction, and what is equally important, in no case should you be rude.

When communicating with a person, you should not show negativity either towards him or anyone else. Even if something happened conflict situation, then you can’t get personal and insulting. You need to try to express to your interlocutor your feelings that were caused by his behavior. No matter who the interlocutor is, you should never speak to him in an orderly tone, as this will cause the person to experience psychological discomfort.

It's important to be. Therefore, it is necessary to try to develop comprehensively. As a rule, with stupid people there is absolutely nothing to talk about, it is very difficult to find a common language with such individuals, and even more so common points contact. Honesty and sincerity are always in fashion, so in any conversation and with anyone it is important to tell the truth, remain yourself and be sincere.