Correct debate. How to argue with your loved one? Love is born in argument

The common expression “truth is born in a dispute” turns out to be true only in relation to “correct” disputes.

An argument can spark an original idea, develop an idea in an unusual way, convince one or both participants to reconsider their views on a subject... or lead to a fight. Is it worth explaining that after a fight there is no longer any truth for the opponents?

By and large, what ultimately led to the fight was not a dispute as such. Most likely, it was a “showdown.” In order not to confuse one with the other, and also to avoid the emergence of destructive factors during the debate that turn the dispute into a showdown, you need to understand the basic mechanisms of the functioning of the dispute.

What the parties to the dispute must do

1. Express your point of view.
2. Argue your point of view.
3. Listen to the point of view of the interlocutor.
4. Give additional arguments to strengthen your position.
5. Give arguments designed to weaken the interlocutor’s position.

These five points form the backbone of any discussion. It is good if both opponents are aware of what the structure of the dispute looks like general view. It's even better if opponents know some details that can make the argument more productive.

How to make an argument more productive

1. Identify the topic and essence of the controversy.
It will not work if you discuss one subject but different aspects of it. It will be strange if, when arguing about, say, a house, one person will insist that the house is big, and the other that the house is green.

2. Decide on terminology.
Tell your interlocutor what you mean by certain words, find out what your opponent means by the words he uses.

3. Make sure you understand each other correctly.
No longer at the level of individual words, but at the level of statements. It is useful to use the technique of “active listening”: “if I understand correctly, you mean...” etc.

But even after clarifying the terminology and understanding own position, you risk leading to a massacre (or simply reducing the controversy to empty chatter) if you don’t remember what you should never do.

What disputants should not do

1. Get personal.
Everything is clear here. “Because you’re an asshole” is not an argument and in no context will it become one.

2. Be distracted by side topics that arise during the discussion.
Try not to get too carried away and forget about what all the fuss is about.

3. Talk about things you don’t understand, or about those things and phenomena about which you yourself are not sure of your position.
It is difficult to argue whether soft-boiled eggs cooked at full moon in an old abandoned cemetery, when you haven’t tried them and haven’t been to the cemetery on a full moon.

Finally, when you have both had a civilized and pleasant discussion, ask yourself - what started it all? And be sure to summarize the dispute. If it’s not true, then something must have been born in him.

Arguments don't have to be offensive, but if you don't deliver them well, they can become so. Fortunately, there are several techniques that can help you defend your point of view without turning the argument into a real battle. The ability to argue rationally and calmly is actually a real art, and besides, it can be very useful to you in a variety of situations. This skill will give you the confidence to stand up for yourself and defend your opinions. But don’t get too carried away with such discussions—some things are better left undiscussed!

Steps

Part 1

Play the game fairly. Let's say you know exactly how to manipulate another person, but it is important not to give in to this urge if you want to have an honest argument. Decide that no matter how upset he or she makes you, you will not say something that crosses the line.

Respect the other person. Respect what he says. The argument must be two-sided, if you fail to look at this argument from the other side, your opponent will return to this argument and will not listen to you. Of course, it’s great to refute your opponent’s opinion, but refusing to listen to him during an argument is simply stupid.

• You should always treat the other person with respect when arguing with them. Remember that he is the same person as you. Treat others the way you want to be treated. You shouldn’t immediately challenge someone else’s opinion just because it doesn’t agree with yours. Listen to your opponent and his arguments.

1. Try to challenge opinions and ideas without somehow connecting it with the person himself. When you argue with someone, you must remember that you are only arguing an opinion and not trying to humiliate the person. This means that in no case should you call a person stupid just because he thinks differently, and you also shouldn’t get personal and in any way touch on appearance your opponent.

   Admit if you're wrong. When you make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it. Do not deny that you did not understand something or understood it, but in a different sense. Mistakes do not make you worse, but the ability to admit these mistakes makes you a real person.

   Apologize if necessary. If you have offended someone with your argument or opinion, be kind enough to ask for forgiveness. Act like adults and be prepared to take responsibility in the situation.

   Be open to new ideas. The best way conduct an argument in an optimistic tone - be open and friendly. You don't want to get your argument wrong again, do you? Open yourself up to thinking differently and don't resist new ideas and points of view.

   Part 2

   Argue convincingly

   1. Make the person feel intelligent. When you make a person feel stupid, they withdraw into themselves and start making stupid, empty arguments. Make your opponent feel smart, and then you will have the opportunity to turn his arguments in your favor.

      Provide arguments and evidence according to the audience you are targeting. It is important that your data is from reliable sources. Reliable sources and truthful arguments about the subject of the dispute - the simplest and effective method win the argument. In addition, it is very important to adapt this evidence to convey it to your opponent, to make it more logical or, conversely, emotional (depending on what is closer to your opponent).

      Pay attention to logical errors and inaccuracies. If you find a logical flaw or inconsistency and point it out to your opponent, you will likely be able to influence his or her opinion. It can be quite difficult to learn to recognize logical errors, but here are a few of the most common ones:

      • Make sure that the arguments are structured and that the cause-and-effect relationship is not broken. For example, cases of autism have increased due to the use of cell phones. Thus, we can conclude that the risk of autism increases with the use of mobile phones. In this case, you may notice that the argument and conclusion follow the pattern “because A precedes B, therefore A causes B.”
      • Another common misconception is the idea that something cannot exist unless there is evidence for it. For example, when you are told that God/microorganisms/evolution/aliens do not exist because we have never seen or physically felt them.
      • The next situation is when the conclusion and conclusion have nothing to do with the argument itself. For example: “We can’t raise teachers’ salaries because police officers and firefighters don’t make that much money either.”

   2. Let your opponent become the hero or the victim for a while. People love to think of themselves as the protagonist of their life story. Let your opponent think so, and you act very carefully and push him to change his opinion by discussing the details of the problem.

      • For example: “I know that you really really want to help people. You are one of the most generous people that I know. But if you really wanted to help, you wouldn't donate to charity centers that might misuse your funds. Don’t you want to know that your money is directly saving someone’s life?”

   3. Enrich your speech. When you get into an argument, try not to get personal and avoid the words “I” and “you”. Say the word “we” instead. This way, your opponent will begin to perceive you and him as a single entity with common interests and goals, and not as enemies.

      Know when to stop. Sometimes it happens that your opponent is not ready to change his mind right now in front of you. In this case, the best decision would be to simply step back and give your opponent time to think about everything you said and reconsider his point of view. Of course, in some cases you also need to be persistent. This is an art in which you need to experiment.

      • In general, if your opponent seems really, really upset, you may not want to continue the argument any longer.
      • You can close the topic with the argument: “Okay, I understand that I can’t change your point of view, but just think about my words, please.”

   Part 3

   Be smart

   1. Don't provoke an argument. By challenging someone's opinion, you become an initiator, and this is noticed by the people with whom you argue. People won't take you seriously anymore because they know you just need to shout and argue with someone a little. If you want the argument to be useful and interesting, you shouldn’t start it just because of some little thing.

      Be sincere. Allow others to see you for the person you are. This way, you will appear more sympathetic and less selfish and aggressive towards the people you argue with. Just explain why you hold your opinion and be prepared to defend your own point of view, rather than being the devil's advocate by trying to justify an idea that is not popular.

      Don't change the topic. The fastest way to make an argument completely pointless is to avoid the topic. When you are having a discussion, try not to go off topic and return to it if your opponent begins to deviate from the topic. Coming to one single disagreement is better than disagreeing with each other on 20 different issues. Discuss only one topic per argument and talk about everything related to it. When you agree on an opinion, or the argument reaches a dead end, move on to the next topic.

      • Don't let your opponent change the subject. Perhaps the opponent will realize that he is mistaken and will want to change the topic of the dispute. When people are refuted in an argument, many of them try to somehow hide their mistake rather than admit it. If a person refuses to admit his mistake, he confronts you with the following argument: “It’s not important” or “Well, so be it, but this is my opinion,” and so on. Or the person directly says that he admits his mistake.

   2. Explain, explain, explain! Tell us why you are so confident in your point of view, how you reached it, how you came to your conclusions. This may lead to misunderstandings, but it may also influence your opponent's point of view and he will begin to agree with your reasoning. This is a pretty effective way to win arguments with people older than you!

   3. Don't try to make it so the last word was behind you. Of course, both opponents want to end the dispute and have the last word in it, but this can quickly lead the dispute to a dead end. Don't try to turn the discussion into a bottomless pit. In this case, just agree that everyone will have their own opinion and calm down.

      • If you've been arguing for a long time and neither of you has budged, consider that today is simply not your day. In fact, there are some arguments that are difficult to refute (no matter how true or valid your arguments are). Especially if your opponent is unwilling to rethink his point of view. If you control yourself and stop the argument in time, you can still maintain a normal relationship.
   • Your argument should be weighty and not aggressive if you are having an ordinary reasonable argument. Fighting differs from arguing in that in arguing, an argument is usually presented to solve some problem in order to choose the true solution, but in fighting, people give arguments to humiliate the other person.
   • Be kind and friendly towards other people. We are all different, and everyone has their own opinion.
   • Remember that people can be good friends even if they have different views on things.
   • Don't try to invent anything, just say it as it really is.
   • If you are wrong, admit it.
   • Sometimes each of us needs to spend a few minutes alone to think about what was said in a conversation. This is completely normal. If your opponent asks you to leave him for a few minutes, agree on a time and continue the discussion a little later. If you feel you need some time to think, politely tell your opponent so.

   Warnings

   • Sometimes it is better not to argue about political and religious topics (only if you are close enough to the person and know that he respects your opinion). Many people disagree on such issues.
     • If you are having an argument with an intelligent person, you can calmly discuss some political topics. However, it will be more difficult to reach agreement on religious issues because the risk of “losing” or “winning” the argument is high.

When you get carried away by an argument, don’t forget that your goal is to get to the bottom of the truth, and not to humiliate your interlocutor. Don’t get personal, don’t allow yourself to make unflattering statements about your friend’s mental abilities. You should not enter into an argument with a deliberately incorrect opinion and defend your point of view solely for the sake of humiliating your interlocutor. If you are a skilled speaker and can deftly manipulate arguments, you will probably succeed, but doing so will be bad for your reputation.

Precision of wording

Make sure both you and your opponent know the meaning of the terms you are using. Otherwise, by the end of the evening you may find that you have been arguing for several hours, although your opinions coincided.

If you don't understand your opponent's statements, don't hesitate to ask him to rephrase them in other words.

I know that I don't know anything

It's impossible to know everything. Even an erudite person who has reached unprecedented heights in his profession may not know some information that does not concern him. A nuclear physicist can get confused in the chronology of Tsvetaeva’s works, but a brilliant musician can, as they write chemical reactions. If in a conversation with your opponent you find that you have begun to “float” in the topic, honestly admit it and direct the dispute in a different direction. Or look on the Internet for the information you are interested in to continue the conversation that captivates you.

There is no point in arguing about something you have absolutely no understanding of. Eventually it will come to the surface and you will make a fool of yourself.

Cunning opponent

Playing with words is quite easy, especially if the interlocutor is good-natured and somewhat... If you come across a clever opponent, you yourself may not notice how he will turn your words inside out, and in the end he will be right, and you will be wrong. Pay close attention to your opponent's reasoning, and if you notice that he begins to interpret what you said incorrectly, do not hesitate to correct him.

Victories and defeats

You finished arguing, and now it became clear whose opinion was correct, who won and who lost. If you turn out to be right, do not rush to rejoice wildly and demonstrate superiority over your interlocutor in every possible way - this would be wrong. It’s better to thank him for the discussion, tell him that his hypothesis was quite interesting (if this is not flattery). If you lose, do not be offended or show dissatisfaction, but admit that you learned new information from the dispute.

Before the dispute flares up to serious proportions, take a time out and evaluate how interconnected you are in this conflict. Northwestern University psychologist Eli Finkel, author of the best-selling book The All-or-nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work, argues that the key to resolving a dispute is acceptance. conflict interdependence" - the degree of involvement with which solving a problem requires input from both sides.

A good example is buying an apartment. Let's say one of the partners prefers renovated or new housing, while the other is not averse to saving now, but investing in renovation over time. To be clear, the topic of the dispute does not have to be so serious - the point is that in such cases the problem will not move forward without a joint solution, and your interdependence is very high. You can, of course, yell at each other, but in your heart you understand that more flexible tactics are required here. Just like you can't single-handedly choose an apartment for the two of you, you can't go out to dinner until you agree on where to go.

Another thing is arguments with minimal interdependence, something related to selfish issues that relate to one of you. For example, your partner insists on leaving dishes in the sink instead of immediately putting them in the dishwasher. True, there is no need to seek a compromise here - it is obvious that he (she) is to blame, and the conflict would be resolved if the plates were sent to their intended destination?

Dr. Finkel conducted a study where 675 volunteers described their “chronic” argument with their partner. When the level of interdependence was high, the subjects tried to resolve the conflict from a position of cooperation, trying to come to mutual agreement. On the other hand, disputes where volunteers felt out of the problem were resolved by rigidly defending positions and demonstrating the partner’s shortcomings, which often sounded offensive and had a negative impact on the relationship. In general, in the first case, respondents were much more satisfied with the outcome of the conflict and felt happier.

“Healthy conflicts,” Finkel sums up, “are those that are temporary obstacles, not competition. The idea is to try to start arguments from an “interdependent” perspective.” Think about whether there is a way to rephrase the problem in your head (unless, of course, you dream of bending your partner into a ram’s horn) in order to stop the annoying conflict. Even going back to the example of the dishes in the sink, ask your partner what you can do together to break the habit that is driving you crazy?

Breadth of thought

Conflicts can develop and strengthen relationships if you accept the fact that even ideal partners learn to understand each other. This advice comes from something called relational theory of mind, an area of ​​research by Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Stanford. The bottom line is that people tend to approach life in one of two ways: According to Dweck's theory, those with a "fixed" mindset believe that a person's abilities and traits remain more or less the same throughout life, while people Those with a growth mindset believe that situations can change for the better over time.

People with a fixed or, as Carol also calls it, fatal thinking are sure that the meaning of life is the search for a soul mate, an ideal partner. The right choice does not involve disputes and conflicts - you are either compatible or not, and that’s it. Those who are endowed developing thinking, believe that the world is changeable and relationships are a limitless field where compatibility can be developed to the same limits.

In his book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Dweck explains: “In a fixed mindset, everything magically happens through ideal love. If you are lucky and have found a soul mate, conflicts are excluded. And if problems arise, then the system has failed and you will have another round of trial and error until you make the right choice. For those who look at the world from a developmental perspective, going through difficulties in relationships is not at all a signal of “oh my God, we are incompatible!”, but an opportunity to learn to understand each other and strengthen relationships through conflict resolution.”

Framing disputes as opportunities sounds positive—even though we know it's easier said than done. Even with very close people, sometimes it’s easier to admit failure life together than to enter a constructive phase of conflict. However, look at the argument from the other side: it is a good exercise that makes your couple better and more harmonious, actively promoting mutual understanding. Just try it.

Based on materials from elle.ru

In life you have to argue a lot, object, refute the opinions of others, and disagree.

A person shows his good manners best when he leads a discussion, argues, defending his beliefs.

In a dispute, intelligence, logical thinking, politeness, the ability to respect people and... self-respect are immediately revealed.

If in a dispute a person cares not so much about the truth as about victory over his opponent, does not know how to listen to his opponent, strives to “shout out” his opponent, frighten him with accusations, he is an empty person, and his argument is empty.

How does an intelligent and polite debater conduct an argument?

First of all, he listens carefully to his opponent - the person who does not agree with his opinion. Moreover, if anything is unclear to him about his opponent’s positions, he asks him additional questions. And one more thing: even if all the opponent’s positions are clear, he will select the weakest points in the opponent’s statements and ask again whether this is what his opponent is asserting.

By carefully listening to his opponent and asking again, the arguer achieves three goals: 1) the opponent will not be able to argue that he was “misunderstood”, that he “did not claim this”; 2) the arguer, by his attentive attitude to the opponent’s opinion, immediately wins sympathy among those who observe the dispute; 3) the arguer, by listening and asking again, gains time to think about his own objections (and this is also important), to clarify his positions in the dispute.

In the future, when objecting, you should never resort to unauthorized methods of argument and adhere to the following rules: 1) object, but not accuse; 2) do not “read the heart”, do not try to penetrate the motives of the enemy’s beliefs (“you stand on this point of view because it is beneficial to you”, “you say so because you are like that yourself”, etc.); 3) do not deviate from the topic of the dispute; a dispute must be able to be brought to an end, that is, either to the refutation of the opponent’s thesis, or to the recognition that the opponent is right.

I want to especially focus on my last statement.

If you conduct an argument from the very beginning politely and calmly, without arrogance, then you ensure yourself a calm retreat with dignity.

Remember: there is nothing more beautiful in a dispute than to calmly, if necessary, admit that your opponent is completely or partially right. This way you gain the respect of others. By doing this, you seem to call on your opponent to yield, forcing him to soften the extremes of his position.

Of course, you can admit that your opponent is right only when it comes not to your general beliefs, not to your moral principles (they should always be the highest).

A person should not be a weathervane, should not yield to an opponent just to please him, or, God forbid, out of cowardice, for career reasons, etc.

But to concede with dignity on an issue that does not force you to give up your general beliefs (hopefully high ones), or to accept your victory with dignity, without gloating over the loser in an argument, without triumphing, without offending your opponent’s pride - how beautiful that is!

One of the greatest intellectual pleasures is to follow a debate conducted by skilled and intelligent debaters.

There is nothing more stupid in an argument than arguing without reasoning. Remember Gogol’s conversation between two ladies in “Dead Souls”:
“- Honey, this is colorful!
- Oh no, not colorful!
- Oh, motley!

When the arguer has no arguments, simply “opinions” appear.